'Mean' mum at school

[Pollythefrog]

I wanted to post, as I feel like I'm probably overreacting and being silly but the other half of me is genuinely worried.

A child in my DCs class (year 4) is always so miserable looking. I just can't help but notice the huge contrast between them and the happiness of the other children. I know their mother and although perfectly pleasant to make small talk with, she comes across as quite a 'mean' mum. I have never heard her say anything nice about her child, she's not affectionate at all, her child just trudges along while she barks at them all the way through the gate. The child is prone to not speaking, and is getting in trouble at school for bad behaviour. Then the school speaks to the mother, but I have a feeling this just makes it worse for them at home.

We have had them over to our house to play a few times and they have been fine but prone to getting in sulks and not speaking if something upsets them.

They have made the comment 'I wish I could go to your house everyday after school' etc.

The child is always telling me nice things thet do with their dad, etc. She has two younger children from two different relationships that she seems to treat a lot better (maybe because they are only small).

Some might say that she's just stressed from being a single mother but I just think there is more to it than that. In 5 years, all I've heard her do is complain and moan about her child. She is always making digs about how not clever, how overweight.

I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right. I am far from the perfect parent but I have never treated my DC like this.

I am so worried that if she behaves like this in public, then she is probably far worse behind closed doors.

Sorry for rambling...just trying to get my thoughts out.

Poor child. It might be worth a call to your local childrens services to run your observations past them.

That's the thing- I feel like you can't raise a concern or report someone for just being 'mean'. Also, what if I'm overreacting?

If you lay out the facts, they will make a decision on whether to act but I very much doubt they would be upset with you for raising it.

I know it’s not easy with covid at the moment but could you try and make friends with the mother? Maybe she is having a difficult time, you could talk about some positive things you’ve noticed with her child and see how she reacts.

If you still feel uneasy I would report your concerns but it’s worth trying to understand better

So it appears that at the very least she is emotionally abusive towards the kid? And the kid is different with You?
Absolutely report this.

Safeguarding training would always tell you if you think it, report it.

I mean, who makes comments in public to their child about them being overweight or not clever? The child sounds really troubled. It is sad, I think you are kind to consider intervening.

You could contact the DSL at school. Your little piece of information may contribute to a wider picture.

My first thought was to say something to our Dcs teacher but then I don't want to be seen as an interfering busybody or get my child brought into any drama at school.

I also know that she presents herself very well and so I don't think telling the school or anyone else will achieve anything.

@ElephantsNest

I mean, who makes comments in public to their child about them being overweight or not clever? The child sounds really troubled. It is sad, I think you are kind to consider intervening.

You never met my ethnic parents....they used to do this to me both as a child and as a teenager. (Say I have no friends, not that clever, not good at sports...)

They think its motivating. (Just the way they were)

I also feel incredibly guilty that she may just be a stressed single mother ad I would be contributing to making her life more difficult. Also, I think she sees me as a friend somewhat and it would tip me over the edge knowing what I'd done.

this is a clear long term issue that is quite likely cause future mental health problems for the child. try to contact child services and im sure theyll have a solution. good luck to you and the child :)

If she is stressed out, she needs support.
This is not going to happen if everyone keeps quiet and she is afraid to ask (or has been told there is nothing that can be done because it’s not ‘serious’ enough).

If you are ‘reporting’ her, this is about finding some help for her rather than punishing her imo.

I have spoken to the school before when I had some concerns about a child’s home life (it was complicated, the mum was very ill and older children were struggling to cope looking after the younger ones) and they were very supportive and they should have a safeguarding policy.

Report it please. Go with your gut.

You are concerned about the child’s well-being.
YANBU to raise that concern with an appropriate person. You have observed concrete examples of the mum’s behaviour and the impact on the child. As other posters have said- she may need help.

Some people talk like that because they lack confidence themselves. It feels to them that they're boasting if they don't underplay. But only you know if it's more than that. You could always have a quiet word with the school.

Talk to the school and come from angle that you’re worried they may need support and you want to share your concerns with them. They won’t share their concerns with you, so you might come out of speaking to them feeling a bit ‘empty’ but it will help school build a bigger picture and they may well be picking up on it anyway.

Are the younger kids boys? My Sisters DH’s ex has a daughter with an ex and the ex has 2 younger boys. She treats the boys much better than the daughter. She’s very emotionally manipulative with the daughter (who is now an adult). Daughter has no relationship with mum now and was (still is a bit) very messed up with it. When she (daughter) was old enough she was used as a free baby sitter pretty much 24/7 as well. Report.