Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Following through with my warnings - 4 year old

20 replies

Maddie2019 · 17/03/2021 19:45

Hi all, I’m very much at a loss here and sat ready to cry feeling like the worlds worst parent. As some backstory I work full time and enjoy the evenings with my little one, we always eat dinner as a family and play/talk about our day. My DS is usually a joy and overall very good.

DS has been stubborn lately over trivial things, and I always eventually give in because I don’t like seeing him sad (I know, this really needs to change) so tonight...

It’s bedtime and we always have two stories of his choice. DS was reluctant to go to bed so it took some convincing and then he thought it would be fun to hide behind his door instead of choosing some stories (I asked him about 10 times to choose and even picked up some myself). Eventually he chosen two without even looking and jumped into bed - great! We sat down and as I started reading he hid under the covers and refused to look and join in. I gave him a handful of warnings that unless he sat properly and paid attention I would stop reading and it would be time to sleep. Anyway, he continued so I left the books in his bed and said goodnight and went downstairs.

DS was very upset and angry, came downstairs 3 times throwing a tantrum wanting his stories and I carried him back up each time, tucked him in and said goodnight. I basically tried to stick to my word.

I’m now feeling beyond awful. Did I choose the wrong argument to hold my word to? Does anyone else find it difficult to stick to their word? I don’t want to be a mumzilla with crazy high expectations but don’t know where to draw the line!

OP posts:
Misspacorabanne · 17/03/2021 19:47

I too get the guilt! I think we all do, but yes absolutely did the right thing in my opinion.

CreosoteQueen · 17/03/2021 19:48

I think this may be a case of ‘pick your battles’. Does it really matter if he’s paying attention while you read, for instance - it’s not worth picking up the rope and getting into an oppositional situation at bedtime imo.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 17/03/2021 19:49

@Misspacorabanne I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels like this! I really dislike ending such a lovely day on a negative note. Sad

OP posts:
CreosoteQueen · 17/03/2021 19:49

I don’t think you’re a terrible parent btw! Just wondering if you could sidestep the battles entirely if that’s an option.

berryhead2013 · 17/03/2021 19:50

I did this last night neither of the kids were listening to the story so I said righto nobody is listening in to bed (stunned faces) I them said I'm not reading to two peopl who aren't listening tucked them in and said goodnight
They were not happy but they listened to their story tonight
Don't feel bad you are teaching them manners

Cakequeen1988 · 17/03/2021 19:51

Mean what you say.

It’s ok for him to say he doesn’t want the stories but not to ignore you then tantrum when you have wanted him and he doesn’t stop. No means no and a warning is just that.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 17/03/2021 19:51

@CreosoteQueen thanks lovely, I would def prefer to avoid any upset at all costs. I think the whole not listening to me is driving me a little loco, especially when he’s a little angel to his dad 🤣 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddie2019 · 17/03/2021 19:55

@berryhead2013 thanks for commenting, I feel far less of a mumzilla now! You hit the nail right on the head there to, it’s the manners! I would rather him
Argue back than just ignore me! X

OP posts:
PeggyMoo · 17/03/2021 19:57

Oh this is driving me mad with my nearly 3 year old! I feel like it’s all delaying tactic but there’s nothing more disheartening when you are knackered reading a story to someone who isn’t paying the slightest bit of attention. I try and pick my battles but definitely always end up telling my toddler off for the same thing.

I agree with the pp it is about manners - although whether I am teaching that is another story!!

Haydugi · 17/03/2021 20:01

You did exactly the right thing (and sound like you have a lot of patience)

Lollypop701 · 17/03/2021 20:04

If you never follow through then how do they learn? You have to start early, less of a battle long term, because they understand you mean what you say. It makes for a great relationship with your child... at least in my experience

frazzledasarock · 17/03/2021 20:08

I’ve done that too, when DD was being silly wouldn’t listen to warnings. So I said goodnight and went and had a cup of tea. She’s not done it since.

I felt no guilt either. She’s safe, warm and very loved. One night of no story won’t do her any lasting damage.

dontcrowdthemushrooms · 17/03/2021 20:11

I used to babysit a couple of kids aged 4 & 6 who would pull the same mischief at story time. One night I gave them a final warning and said if they messed around again there would be no story. For once I stuck to my guns and an ALMIGHTY strop ensued.
I went downstairs to drink wine with my boss :D and the munchkins never put a foot wrong at story time ever again!

Pumperthepumper · 17/03/2021 20:17

I don’t think it’s good to never back down. Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment or in stress and it’s ridiculous to then stick to your guns. It’s absolutely fine to say ‘I shouldn’t have said that and I’m sorry’.

So would it have been the end of the world to keep reading to him while he’s under the covers? There’s a lot going on for everyone just now and he sounds a bit overwhelmed. Why add to it?

BabyPotato · 17/03/2021 20:22

I don't think you're a mumzilla. If you're going to tell them that you won't do the story if they piss about, then you'll have to stick with it. I can't be bothered with any additional nighttime tantrums so if my child isn't listening I just skip to the last page and finish the book and usually they're too busy mucking around they don't even notice. Grin

steelserenade · 17/03/2021 20:28

If you'd never been told no, you'd probably be extremely confused and upset the first time it happened. It's a bit unreasonable to expect him not to have reacted (to a situation of your own creation).

I also agree with a pp that knowing when to back down and apologise rather than doubling down on a mistake is important. Otherwise you just become a tyrant.

FreiasBathtub · 17/03/2021 20:34

I think you did the right thing too. And tomorrow I'd follow it up, not at bedtime, at some other time, when you're both calm. Talk to him about your expectations are around story time, and what will happen if he ignores them. Let him tell you why he was messing around, and find a solution together. For example, my DD was a real messer around at bedtime, and we figured out it was because she wanted to have silly play with me. So now she gets five minutes of silliness in exchange for one story, and then she has to behave for the other ones. I think often as parents we assume our children know how we expect them to behave and they don't always!

missymousey · 17/03/2021 20:36

You did the right thing. Not unreasonable at all, except I would say you gave too many warnings. Why would he believe there would be a consequence of there hasn't been before? He'll try this again, just reduce the number of times you tolerate him ignoring the request or instruction. Be clear how many warnings he gets (removing some kind of tokens can be useful if he's not getting the idea). He will learn pretty fast if you are consistent.

Donteatpurplebroccoli · 17/03/2021 20:37

First off give yourself a break - Flowers
It’s impossible to get it right all the time and we’re all learning as we go!!

My ds 3 when he is really tired or hyped up just does not have the ability to hear / process / follow instructions / accept no. Most of the time he is pretty good at this so we choose not to push him at these times as it will escalate and we try alternative tactics for eg if he won’t choose book or settle down for story I just say I’m reading this book then it’s sleep time and I read the book out loud to myself , making sure I pick a favourite! 9 times out of 10 he’ll either climb onto my lap to join in or lie down in bed and listen. Either way I’ll only read the one book that night. But we follow this with bed time songs which invariably calm him down.
With regards to following through warnings as hard as it can be it really is a good habit to get into as he needs to know he can trust you and in the long run this means you will do what you say but I would definitely pick your battles and try and avoid turning bedtime into battle ground for both your sakes !

Now go and get a cuppa / wine and remember tomorrow is a new day Flowers

happinessischocolate · 17/03/2021 20:37

I think you did well, but you gave too many warnings, there's a brilliant book called 1,2,3 magic, i think it's by Dr Thomas Phellan. I started using it when my kids were 2 and 4 and it absolutely saved my sanity.

The main difference between that and what youve done at this stage I think is that the book tells you to explain to the kids exactly what's going to happen beforehand, and then later you give the warnings. So if you haven't carried through on warnings before, then it was unexpected for your ds that you would now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page