Sadness and loneliness/sibling estrangement

[conversetrainer60]

This is not an aibu as such, but I guess I felt I had nowhere else to turn to with this but it's something that not a lot of people understand. I never post on forums so am pretty nervous and reluctant.

Pretty much since I was born my sister (43) has hated my (38) existence. When I was just 10 days old, she pushed my pram down a hill which resulted in me getting a blow to my head (thankfully surviving) which I still have a scar from to this day. I made constant efforts throughout my childhood to get on with her, but she pushed me away and seemed to enjoy watching my cry. Our parents were pretty young having children (19) and didnt really have much awareness. My father was always depressed and emotionally distant and my mother was always exhausted. The effect of how my sister treated me really took it's toll on me and by the time I was 12, I was already on antidepressants and had developed an eating disorder. My parents brought me to see one child psychologist after another and in their own way, maybe they thought they were helping, but they failed to see my sister's behaviour had any part in any of it.

Sometimes when I visit my parents home,my sister is there. If I didnt engage with her, she wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. She thinks of my birthday out of obligation, but that's it. I have always tried to support her and often text her when she has something significant going on in her life, but I have never recieved the same back, and I realise now that it's just better to have no expectations.

The whole thing is causing me a lot of pain and anytime I have brought it up to others they just say that she won't change and to ignore her behaviour. I speak to a therapist about it and he has been wonderful and very supportive, but it still doesn't take away the pain that I feel.

I have also attracted women like my sister as friends-those that are abusive or just throw me away when I no longer have a purpose to them. I feel incredibly alone and have even thought of ending things. The sad thing is that I frequently dream that I am close to my sister and that we are chatting and laughing like other siblings.

I just don't know where to go with all of this. I guess my biggest question is if anyone else has been through sibling/other family estrangement and how you have coped and also if there are perhaps any support, services in dealing with something like this as I feel that's what I really need

Apart from the physical violence I'm in the same situation.
Acceptance and distance is the key to peace of mind. She will never be who you want her to be. You can't fix her.

I understand you're in pain from this situation, but with the greatest kindness, you need to listen to what your sister is telling you, what your therapist is telling you and what others have told you.

She does not like you and is not bothered about it.

You sound like you're asking 'what else can I try to get the result I want?', and the answer is that you need to change the result you want.

Your sister won't change. She is who she is, and it's down to you to respect her choices.

Her attitude towards you is not a reflection on you in any way. It's only a reflection on her. I'm sure you 'know' it intellectually, but maybe you haven't accepted it as the truth yet.

If you want to be free of the pain you're causing yourself by chasing after an impossible outcome, change your expectations for your sister's behaviour.

You sound like a very sensitive, caring person and it's a shame for your sister she's missing out on getting to be in your life, but that's her call.

So sorry for your pain OP.

Just want to add this: Firstly, is she someone you think you could have a conversation with and ask if you did something wrong or just tell how you feelings? Perhaps, this may open up a channel of communication between you two - even if it's something you write and give her to read, so you can avoid the pressure of a difficult face to face chat.

Do you think you're 'holding on' to her because she's your sister and based on our social conditioning, you're "supposed to" love each other?

Think of it this way: If she was just a friend (so not someone you're 'supposed to' share a bond with as 'family'), what would you do?

I'm assuming/hoping you'd realise it's not healthy for you and walk away, no matter how sad you feel about it. That's what you need to do with her for your own sanity and safety (If the communication thing won't/doesn't work). It's her issue, not yours

*tell how you feel?...not "tell how you feelings?"

I have little contact with siblings. It’s best. They are just not my kind of people.
But my parents are getting older and need more support and input to I’m kind of forced into it at times.
I do not engage much beyond the essentials.

You really shouldn’t try to force a relationship with her, just forget about her. You have a fantasy in mind of the way you want things to be, and she doesn’t want that. It seems like you’ve fixated on the one person you can’t have.

I think that this kind of sibling relationship is sadly more common than people like to admit and stems from sibling rivalry which is arguably ' natural.' It is very sad but she clearly saw you as competition and has treated you badly. I am not close to my sister and it hurts...in my case it is partly my fault as the older, jealous sibling though.

This sounds really tough. Societal expectations are high for siblings (and any family) and it can be hard to accept when the reality of the relationships don't marry up to the "norm".

I suspect your sister has a lot of deep negative feelings in general. To feel angry, jealous or resentful towards a sibling forever is very extreme and I suspect it says an awful lot more about her and her feelings than it does about you.

The advice you've been given is true, albeit not particularly helpful if you're looking for a way to improve the relationship. She won't change. I don't think the relationship will change.

I think the way to gain some acceptance around this is to try to see this for what it is. It's not personal to you. You've done nothing wrong. You have tried more than the average person would. She has deep problems.

I think maybe concentrating on other relationships (partner, friends, colleagues parents etc) would be more helpful than trying to change your sister.

Please also remember you're not alone. Lots of family relationships are tense or estranged. Lots of friendships are fickle and transient. It's hard but definitely has no reflection on you and how likeable/lovable you are 💐

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. I’m in a very similar situation, but with my older brother. He was awful to me as a child, driven by jealousy, and it had a profound effect on me and my self-esteem long term. As an adult, he was a nightmare to be around- aggressive, nasty, just angry at me for existing. I went NC a few years ago and it was a great decision. I’m now in a difficult position of feeling like I have to get back in touch as we are both having babies soon. I really don’t want to.

I’m sending hugs, please know you aren’t alone. Your sister’s behaviour isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a strong reflection of her.

This things start in childhood, probably when you were a baby/toddler.

I have the same with my older sister, she's been ridiculously jealous of me since I was tiny.

I'm late thirties and went NC, it's incredibly freeing.

Stop texting her, stop acknowledging her birthday, just go cold turkey.

I am NC with my sister and her Dh . They have treated me so badly. I do understand how you feel, l have been in mourning for my Sister for 2 years now ever since we had a massive row. l have been so sad and have missed her so much but l realise the sister l thought l had never existed. So l am now looking after number 1 and as tough as it is l am trying to self heal from the abuse she has done to me by watching videos on You tube and l have a lot of FB groups who help me . I also read the relationship threads here, they are invaluable .

This is so sad to read that it's had such an effect for you. Me and my sister have the same age gap and had a terrible relationship until I had a child then we became close but we still aren't like those lovey dovey sisters you see - ie don't put kisses on texts or tell each other we love each other or big each other up. I am no contact with my brother. I was close to him when I was younger but he cheated on his wife and in the fallout OW Doesn't like him seeing his family so he doesn't. It was very painful at the time but now I have accepted it and some time has passed it no longer upsets me. I would suggest going no contact with her as she only ever seems to have caused you pain. Also work on your self esteem so that you can find and be rid of this tendency to have toxic people in your life. I used to do this too but I now have lovely people in my life and boundaries with those I cannot avoid who aren't so lovely. The pain is in the resistance to something, once you accept it then you can ultimately get rid of the pain in my experience. The in between bit isn't great but once your life has decent people in it you will be so much happier. I can't believe how bent out of shape I used to make myself over people who didn't care for me, family or not.

Thanks for all of the very kind and supportive comments, it has meant a lot. I'm sorry that there are so many of us who have been through the same thing. @ChangeOfMNScenery I think the reason I have held onto things for so long is indeed societal-because someone is in our family, that we automatically must get on with them which i know doesn't apply and so many people have family members they can't stand. I think if I were to address things with my sister, she would be very well the kind of person who would turn everything around and blame me/someone else for our relationship. She has always been the kind of person who will never apologise or admit that she is wrong and tends to think that the problems lies with everyone else, not potentially her

I suspected as much but thought to give it a shot.

Then, there's really nothing left for you to do - As the saying goes, you can't help/change others (especially when they don't think there's anything to change), you can only help/change yourself.

I hope you find the strength.

I recently stumbled across some advice in the comments section of a you tube video about a similar topic.

I've found this very useful.

"Don't expect to buy Donuts from the Hardware store"

I agree with you OP, I’ve often felt judged by friends and partners who’ve told me they think my relationship with my brother is ‘weird’. I had a lot of guilt about it for a long time & tried to nominally be ‘friends’ with him, & I hated every minute.

My siblings are like 2 peas in a pod and I'm the odd one out. They're abusive and I'm not and I grew up in hell because of those two. As soon as I had enough money I bought my first house at 21 and went nc with both of them (one of them was still living at home). Best thing I ever did was drop them. They're toxic and I don't need people like that in my life.

In my opinion, bad sibling relationships often come out of bad parenting, or at least bad parental management of sibling problems, and in my experience it's very difficult for adult children to roll back the years and repair the damage themselves, even when everybody wants to. If your sister is uninterested in meeting you half way, I think any attempts you make to fix things singlehandedly are likely to be doomed, I'm afraid, which I appreciate is hard to hear. I think a better course of action for you is to work on your own feelings in counselling or therapy if you can afford it, or with self-help books if not. It might help to understand that your sister is also a victim of your parents' failure to deal sensitively with what probably started off as pretty normal sibling rivalry. Although it won't change anything as such, laying blame at the right door can help you move away from 'why is she always like this' and towards 'neither of us is to blame for the damage that was done'.

I come from a very fractured family and really relate to what you say about repeating patterns in your friendships and relationships. I was in my thirties before I realised that most of my oldest friends were quite lofty and dismissive types and that my needs and feelings were almost never taken very seriously. I found that waking up to that realisation was all that was needed to change my habits, and I shed the whole lot of them practically overnight and have much, much better friends now. Interestingly, my family urged me not to walk away from longstanding friendships - people who don't have your interests at heart almost always push back against change. I am in only very distant contact with some of my family members now and not at all with others, and my life is immeasurably improved as a result, which is not to say it wasn't a painful process. People who have never had issues like this don't really understand those of us who have severed contact with family and tend to be judgemental in my experience, so watch out for that and don't let it get to you if that's the path you take.

You mentioned that you dream of being close to your sister and I wasn't sure whether you meant you actually have dreams in which you're close, or whether you just meant that's your wish. If you're regularly having dreams, that must be incredibly upsetting for you. In your shoes I would perhaps start keeping a journal - of your dreams and also of thoughts, memories and self-observations. I'm a big fan of writing as a way of gathering thoughts, and reading back over journal entries at some distance can be very illuminating.

I really wish you well.