Feeling incredibly lonely /sibling estrangment

[conversetrainer60]

Not really an aibu as such but I just didnt really know where else to turn to with all of this. I'm not someone who usually posts stuff online because I'm quite a private person so am a little bit nervous about this.

Basically I have had an on/off estrangment with my sister (43) ever since I was a child. I'm 38 and from the beginning, she took an instant dislike to me. When I was only about 10 days old, she tried to push my pram down a steep hill which resulted in me developing a massive bump on my head that I still have a scar from, but thankfully I survived.

When we were little, I tried and tried to get close to her, but she would physically push me away and she almost enjoyed seeing me cry. Neither of our parents ever seemed to intervene. My father was depressed for all of our childhood and had a stressful job whereby he tended to forget his family in the process. My mother was overworked and exhausted and just didnt seem to know what to do. Both of them were pretty young (19) when they had children and didnt seem to know how to parent properly.

As I've gotten older, this seems to be eating at me more and more and making me more unhappy. Sometimes when I visit my parents home, my sister is also there and unless I engage her and try to speak with her, she will not acknowledge my existence. I have always taken an interest in her life and text her to wish her luck when she has a big event on, but she has never once done the same. I have given up having any expectations, but the hurt runs pretty deep.

I think I tend to also attract female friends that are like my sister and have ended up pretty battered and bruised so now I find it hard to reach out to anyone. I have found lockdown hard when i see others have siblings they can reach out to, and I feel more and more alone. The really sad and tragic thing is that I frequently have dreams where I'm close to my sister and we are chatting and getting along like other siblings.

I speak to an amazing therapist and that has helped to get things out of my mind, but it doesnt take away the pain and the sense of loneliness I feel.

I guess I just wondered if anyone else has dealt with estrangement from a sibling or other family member, how you have coped and also if there are any organisations or supports that help with something like this?

That sounds tough. You might want to investigate the Stately Homes threads. They are usually about parents but the people there are wise.

It sounds like you have made amazing progress in identifying the patterns of behaviour and your own vulnerable spots (eg friends who behave like her.)

I can only share my own experience - not with a sibling but a parent. I worked out they would never love me, notice me or value me. Realising that was a huge weight off my mind because I stopped trying to win them over.

Just stop with her. Accept you can't have something you badly want. Don't make an effort with her. Preserve yourself and your sanity. Don't pay her attention, don't go out of your way. Just focus instead on worthwhile relationships. If she's around when you visit your parents, focus on the parent who is most attentive to you. If you feel yourself weakening, go out for a walk, to pick something up from the shops or take a phone call.

She might get interested and try to goad you into replicating old behaviour. Just show zero emotion and change the subject.

It is possible that she also suffers from deep depression, like your dad. If so, that could account for her inability to pay you attention, remember your birthday or key events etc. Depression is very self-centered. It doesn't account for her meanness in childhood but you might want to give her benefit of the doubt. She might resent you appearing to live so well if she struggles with daily life and social interaction. But don't rule out that she's just mean. Either way, preserve your own mental wellbeing.

In social situations observe people who treat their friends well and try to befriend them. If you get it wrong, back off fast. Gradually you will surround yourself with people who make you feel good, happy, valued and replenished by their company.

I totally get this. I gravitate to sibling like relationships with work colleagues all the time. I accepted very young that my sibling had no interest so I gave up with them. I think you're doing what I did with my mother . The more I tried, the more she retreated & was emotionally abusive . The interesting thing was the one time I moved away & didn't contact her so much she couldn't stand it & started showing an interest. But she still tested me poorly when I was around. We had a row to end all rows, she crossed a line & we've been NC for years. I know it's hard but you're sister isnt going to change, for whatever reason. You are stuck repeating a toxic dynamic because it's your learnt norm . Therapy is a great way to realise this & address it. You can find that sibling like closeness elsewhere. Mourning what could have been is normal but at some point accepting it is the only way to move on.

I was estranged from my brother right up until he took his own life just before Christmas. He treated me very similarly to the way you're describing. I had to let it go in the end end because it used to eat me up. He's dead now so I'll never know exactly why he hated me. It sucks

Did you post this twice ?