So I will start by saying I was sexually assaulted approx 9 years ago. I was in college and it was at a party. I got too drunk, passed out and woke up whilst the assault was in progress. This person was known to me as I went to school with them although at that point they went to a different college so luckily I did not ever have to see them again.
Obviously this was very traumatic, at the time I didn't really understand I had been assaulted due to being so young but I just knew I felt very upset about what had happened and I didn't want to speak about it ever again. Gossip spread that me and this person had 'hooked up' and it was brought up a lot, people making jokes / comments about it. This was really hard to deal with but luckily my friend group was very supportive and shut people down when it was bought up.
I definitely didn't deal with it well for a long time, I started self harming, binge eating and could not stand people physically touching me. I've worked hard over the years to try and put it behind me and I no longer use those coping methods. I'm in a relationship with a lovely man who respects me and I'm now very happy (as you can be in lockdown!)
With everything that has gone on recently I have seen so much on social media about people talking about past traumas & assaults. Some people I know have also shared their stories of their own assaults which I am very proud of them for having the strength to do so.
However this has all left me feeling really emotional. All of the memories and emotions that I have pushed down for all these years are resurfacing and I am struggling to deal with it. Part of me feels so angry that this person has gotten away with so much harm to me and I want to speak out and let people know what he did. It hurts knowing we have mutual friends and these people don't know what kind of a person he is. I also want some kind of revenge I guess? I want to publicly call him out so that he can feel some small part of what I went through.
At the same time I'm really not comfortable with everyone knowing what happened, I still feel so embarrassed and ashamed and the thought of telling everyone is terrifying.
I'm not really sure what my AIBU is, more of a WWYD really as I can't carry on like this, I feel like I need to do something but I don't know if just trying to move past it is the best thing.