to say there has got to be more to life than this ?

[whattocallmyselfeh]

I'm married, 2 DC, financially secure, lovely house, several holidays a year (pre covid!), I work mon-fri. So why do I feel so unfulfilled, bored and lonely ?

Once everything is back to (the new) normal I can go where ever I want in the world for holidays (within reason). I have holidays with girl friends every year, me and my friends have lots of evenings out (when permitted under covid). Post covid we have SPA week-ends, eves out and holidays planned.

But ... nothing interests me anymore, nothing seems fun. I don't know why I feel like this. I sit here typing this in my big and clean, tidy house which I should be grateful for, but I couldn't give a toss about the house. I feel like I'm waiting for something, if that makes sense. But I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe this is the effect of lockdown and being stuck in the house. I really don't know.

Your update changes things your unhappy in your marriage which is why you are unhappy

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I completely sympathise. You've already made the decision that you want to end the marriage, now you need to take practical steps towards that. I mean you could try counselling and improving his appearance but it sounds like he is going to get worse not better.
Start saving every penny you can, sell things, build networks with women's organisations, if you can't afford a lawyer your local Citizens Advice usually have solicitors who volunteer their time - I used that service.
If you keep the children you would normally keep the house. If not look for jobs that come with accommodation (see the ads in the back of the Lady). Ask for a promotion or pay rise.
Financial abuse is real and your husband is exploiting you. Your life is your own. When you're dead no one is going to thank you for the sacrifices you've made, they don't even notice it.
I lost my home because my gas lighting husband came out as AGP. Going through the process at the time was the worst thing I've ever experienced and I would have given anything to stay, but thank god I didn't. Coming out the other end is so much better. I wasn't born to be somebody else's play doll to manipulate and neither were you.

[quote whattocallmyselfeh]@OnSilverStars - yes, yes, yes. This is totally it. Once I lose weight I will be happy. Once I get promotion and earn even more money I will be more happier. Once the finishing touches are done to the house I will be happy. Once the kids are older I will be happier. Once I have a wardrobe of new clothes I will be happier. The happiness is always future based .. but I'm still not happy even when/if the 'want' happens. I have my (within reason) dream house. We have a v good income between us. But it's never enough. Nothing is ever enough. I thought that moving to my dream house was the answer, but now I am in the house I'm still not happy and I've realised it's not the house, it never was. But I still don't know what it is.
@noego - can I ask what you gave up/dropped and how your life was and how it is now[/quote]
Have you aquired 'stuff' instead of a life? Surrounded by material possessions but not having the experiences you want to be having, perhaps because you spend all your time working to pay for the 'stuff'?

I don't want to give back to society/the world/volunteer (sorry if that makes me a bad person, just being honest).

It doesn't make you a 'bad' person but it means you will be an unfulfilled/unhappy one.

See the bigger picture and focus on playing your part in it. Self-transcendence is ultimately the goal of all complete human beings.

Lance the boil.

You need to get your kicks elsewhere if you are not happy in your marriage. I don't mean have an affair, but you absolutely must find a way to connect with feelings of fulfillment and happiness. It is essential to your well-being.

Of course you don't feel motivated to do anything much about it - it's a myth that motivation comes before action. In fact, it is almost always the other way round. Ask any Olympic athlete.

Something interesting I learned about the brain recently is that it's always seeking what is "familiar" and not necessarily what is best for us. That's why some people struggle to break free from anxiety and depression, and why people are described as "spiralling" into negative emotional states. The brain creates more and more of the same because it thinks it is doing us a favour. The good news is you can direct your brain's attention and spend time creating and ingraining positive feelings. Read anything by Rick Hanson for more insight on this.

The key message is that life is not just happening to you. You have so much control, even if you can't/won't change your situation right now.

This sounds a bit like depression. .
The brain needs certain chemical s and maybe it would help to resesearch. For eg i think its is dopemine is flooded in the brain when we acheive something and the brain gets a reward hit. So if you have no challenges then you get no reward. Apparently in lockdown many golks brain pathways are affected as they are not getting the stressors and rewards of daily life. This rings true to me to me .. so i am having to build in small easy tasks to complete such as dig a flower bed in order to get and see and feel i have acheived something which gives the feel good hormone to my pea brain!

You won’t find happiness within yourself whatever you do and the problem (ie your relationship) will still be there nagging away at you.

If you keep the children you would normally keep the house

Do not assume this.

It sounds like you are not fulfilled in your marriage and don't really love spending time with your children. If your family life truly brought you happiness you wouldn't feel the need to constantly chase hedonistic pleasure.

I second those who suggest volunteering. This is because a life of service can be rewarding in itself. Also you might consider learning meditation. I do TM but there are various types out there. It puts you in touch with your inner self if that doesn’t sound too pretentious! Can’t think of a better way to put it.

It’s not particularly surprising you are unhappy, lots of people in your shoes are.

It sounds to me like you don’t know yourself very well, so I would commit to a period of being curious about yourself and what you want from life. If you have the cash a therapist or a life coach would be really helpful - but you need to find someone who you feel can help you find out more about yourself and the life you want to live: maybe aim for 10 sessions, then a break and another 10 sessions etc. A book like the artists way might be helpful as a starting point also.

As you are quite disconnected from yourself and from life, I would just commit to trying different things - can be anything but think about things that you might be curious about (or if you aren’t curious about anything right now, what might the younger you have been curious about), or curious and a bit nervous about... go away on your own and do a climbing course, a retreat weekend, join a art club locally, or yes go to your local volunteer bureau and set something up.

Don’t expect to be lead by current interest or curiosity as that part of you is in a coma right now - just start getting out and letting the world in with new people and new experiences. Expect to feel uncomfortable - and avoid doing things that are just buying experiences and won’t demand anything from you - it’s a cliche but the reason volunteer work often ends with people feeling better is that it forces them to connect.

Get a notebook and write down all the stuff you could do. A therapist or a life coach will help by challenging and encouraging you.

It will take a while, but you will start to wake up and re-discover yourself and from there interests will flow.

Also - it does sound to me like you have a mild case of depression, it should lift if you start to take action as above, but if it doesn’t go see your GP.

... and finally - people will tell you to volunteer / try meditation / get a creative hobby / spend time in nature etc, because that’s what works for them. They are all things people very often find helpful - but the point is you have to get curious about yourself and figure it out for yourself.

Re your marriage - can see you don’t want to change that right now, but the advice to start a savings account is a very good idea - even if you want to wait till the kids are gone, you might want to make a change after that.

It sounds like you are in a catch-22 situation. You rely a lot on a nice lifestyle, holidays and going out to help you cope with an unhappy marriage, but then you can't imagine giving all that up and so you stay trapped in an unhappy marriage.

This was me, only i was unhappy in my job rather than in a relationship. It took me years to work through it all out.

Haven't read all the thread but just to say I had all the same things - very nice lifestyle - it took me a long time to work out it was my marriage that was unsettling me. I ended up leaving, I've since found love again. I have a lot less, holidays are a forgotten dream, I have to work more and friendships have disappeared (got to love divorce!) but I am 100% happier.

Maybe it depends on how you're surviving this unhappy marriage. If you're doing it by shutting down your emotions, switching off your feelings, to prevent you from feeling overwhelming negativity towards him/the marriage/your situation, then you're not going to be able to find true happiness by eg taking up a hobby, because it tends to be the case that everything is switched off, not just the bad feelings.

Read a squash and a squeeze. The philosophy is great.

@rose69 one of DS’s favourites atm, reading it every night at bedtime for the last week

@AmberItsACertainty

Maybe it depends on how you're surviving this unhappy marriage. If you're doing it by shutting down your emotions, switching off your feelings, to prevent you from feeling overwhelming negativity towards him/the marriage/your situation, then you're not going to be able to find true happiness by eg taking up a hobby, because it tends to be the case that everything is switched off, not just the bad feelings.

Yes, this is absolutely what tends to happen

Think back to what you used to do or enjoyed as a child, these are usually the hobbies we revert to. And practise stoicism :)

To answer your title question, there is more to life than this, yes.

But life takes effort. And by that I mean sometimes doing things outside your comfort zone to get the rewards of a fulfilling life. Like living in a tiny house/large flat in a rough part of town or in an area of the country where you don't know anyone, and living a more frugal life.

You say you can't afford to rent or buy if you divorce - I don't believe you. You sound like you've got a job which brings in the equivalent of a full time job at minimum wage. What do you think all the other people with that amount of earnings are doing, living in a cardboard box? They're not. It's true you wouldn't be able to maintain your current lifestyle, the children probably wouldn't have one bedroom each and you might have to return to full time hours.

Bear in mind if your husband doesn't want a divorce it's in his interests for you to believe that you could never manage by yourself. Maybe you've got stuck in a "can't" mindset? You "can't" do xyz because (reasons) and you genuinely believe that's true. You're not necessarily right.

If you write the reasons down and start ripping them apart, challenging every aspect of the "can't" you could find yourself getting somewhere. You might need outside help to do that though, someone to help you see past your own beliefs. A counsellor, citizens advice bureau, sensible friends, or outrageous friends with a habit of seeing things from an unusual perspective. I've lived in a prison without walls, trapped by somebody else's mind games and my own messed up beliefs. It's possible to get out.

I suppose it comes down to what's going to annoy you more, not being able to have the lifestyle you're accustomed to which meets a lot of your superficial needs but not necessarily the deeper ones, or not having your freedom to pursue a different kind of fulfillment. What's the lesser of the evils?

I feel like this every day, just without all the niceties.

It's always when this, that or the next thing happens I'll magically be happier. I never am.

I would never ever kill myself because I have a family/children but I often fantasise about dying and how wonderful it would be to just not exist anymore. Never having to live another day through this mundane, crap, existence. Sounds heavenly.

@rose69

Read a squash and a squeeze. The philosophy is great.

Haha yes. "Take in your hen!"