AIBU to still feel a failure

[CheckMate2021]

Wasn’t sure if I should post this, but I think I need to share this somewhere, as I’m feeling pretty rubbish about it all.
My mental health isn’t great, but I’ve been doing so well this lockdown, however I’m now sitting here feeling like a failure and awful.
My youngest dc is 6, with both of my dc I wasn’t able to exclusively breastfeed, from tongue ties, premature births and crappy mental health I managed nearly (not quite) a year mixed feeding (pumping as never managed to master latching).

I hated this both times, last time it was the reason my mental health spiralled downwards.

Anyway, it’s been so many years I thought I was ‘over’ it. Today, after hearing of the brilliant news that a close friend has finally managed to go from mixed feedings/pumping to exclusively bfeeding (baby 3 weeks), it’s like I’m back there hating myself for not being able to do so. I’m now questioning whether I really am an awful mum, and maybe I just didn’t try hard enough, and maybe I’m a quitter...I feel so sad for my dc

I guess I’m asking, AIBU to feel like this?

You are definitely being unreasonable.

Breastfeeding is great. Formula feeding is a scientific marvel and an amazing thing. Pumping is hard and time consuming, but you did that as you felt it was best for your babies.

You loved them and worked hard for them. Give yourself a pat on the back, or at the very least a break.

I'm sure all of us know moms who never even breastfed for one day and their children have grown up brilliant. I certainly do and it's the last thing that comes to my mind when l think of them as mothers. I breastfed all mine quite easily but my oldest took to drugs in his teens which absolutely devastated me. All my wonderful breastfeeding didn't protect him. Luckily he came to his senses but let me assure you breastfeeding does not guarantee perfect children. You, as a mum are the sum of many things. Let it go and be proud of who you are

You did an amazing job of feeding your babies. You are not remotely a terrible mother! Please put this behind you, you’ve done more than brilliantly

Yeah you’re being unreasonable because you are sat there years later giving yourself a hard time over something which has been and gone.

You did the best with what you had at the time OP. That is all you ever need to do. That is all anyone can ever do.

You have the choice to move away from these low feelings by choosing to stop believing in fake thoughts you’ve made up.

The truth is you DID YOUR BEST.

Stop making shit up about yourself. If you can’t stop making shit up then at least stop putting any value onto those thoughts. They aren’t true or real.

Look into mindfulness and try to start living your life for now. Learning to tune out from this unnecessary “noise” will breathe happiness into your life I promise.

Did you starve your baby? Because that would make you a terrible mother! but there is no shame in not breast feeding! My milk never came in properly so I couldn't feed. I think this issue is probably deeper than this and I think when your feeling down you will look at all you self defined failures as a way to punish yourself!

Look at your DC now. I bet they are very loved, and happy (or at least relatively given covid, etc, which is not your fault), and healthy. That's all that matters. No parent has everything go exactly the way they had hoped with parenting. Life isn't like that. Don't waste energy feeling guilty about the past. Just enjoy your DC in the present.

@CheckMate2021 would you tell me you thought I was a failure for FF my baby? Would you pity my baby?

I bet you wouldn’t. So don’t do it to yourself.

You sound like a great Mum who managed to continue mixed feeding against the odds and persevered with pumping to nourish your DC.
It sounds like your friend’s situation has triggered the emotions you felt 6 years ago and that is understandable. Even so, you can celebrate for her and say it is brilliant- truly the sign of a good person and good friend.
Acknowledge your feelings from that time then let them go and focus on your lovely DC

You have not failed. Expressing for nearly a year is an amazing achievement and gave your DC the advantages of breastmilk.

Don't beat yourself up. It's like interviewing for a job, you always think you would/could have done more. You did what you thought was best at the time x

Thank you so much everyone.

I will be looking into mindfulness, as I do need to focus on now and not what happened.

@NormanStangerson you’re right, I would never think badly or negatively of anyone who FF their baby, I think that really struck a chord, thank you.

@Pollypudding I will definitely be cheering my friend on, and won’t be sharing these feelings with anyone (in real life).

@2ndtimemum2 yes, you’re right, tomorrow it might be something else.

I’m so grateful for all the replies,

@NormanStangerson you’re right, I would never think badly or negatively of anyone who FF their baby, I think that really struck a chord, thank you

I’m glad. Be nice to yourself. Our children are happy, loved and healthy. We haven’t failed.

It doesn't matter whether you fed your children by pumping, breastfeeding, or formula feeding, the important thing is you kept them fed.

Honestly, the fact that you so obviously love your children will give them far more of a headstart than exclusively breastfeeding ever could.

Please don't beat yourself up OP, you have done nothing wrong .

(And the 'breast is best' movement has a hell of a lot to answer for.)