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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

23 replies

Goodytoshoes · 16/03/2021 18:20

So last year I got engaged when I was 7 months pregnant. In all the excitement I stupidly asked 3 people way too prematurely to be my bridesmaids.

2 of the choices are my sister and future SIL, which I'm happy with, another was my best friend.

Ever since I've had my child almost a year ago, I haven't seen my best friend. Before the first lockdown I offered to meet her in a car park so that she could see LO socially distanced, she wasn't happy with not being able to hold LO, so she said that there was no point in her coming up to where I live (30 minutes from her home). I was a little disappointed, but I told her it was fine.

Then one day I was planning to visit my family (again, socially distanced), and I told her early that morning that I would be driving past where she lives on my way home that afternoon, and she told me to text her when I was leaving my family and on my way to hers. I was excited for her to meet LO for the first time.

I texted her when I was leaving and got no reply for hours.

She never asks about my child or makes any effort with me since I had DC. It's all fine, I understand that she has her own life to live, but I've actually become extremely close with another friend of mine who has a child, we'd been friends for a long time and used to be extremely close, but we lost touch for a bit, until I had my DC and now we talk most days.

I was planning to wait until I book the wedding venue to do this incase things change, but I'm seriously considering asking my current bridesmaid to comes as a guest since we aren't very close now, and asking the friend that I'm now closer to to be my bridesmaid instead.

I know that this is entirely my fault, as I should not have asked people to be bridesmaids so soon! I know it was incredibly stupid and I'm paying the price now.

Do I switch, or suck it up and have 4 bridesmaids?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 18:25

It sounds as though this friendship has run it's course, which is not unusual when a party involved has a child, but your friends treatment of you has been awful. I wouldn't be wanting her in my wedding, that's for sure.

GoddessKali · 16/03/2021 18:28

If you ask her to step down as bridesmaid be prepared for the end of the friendship.
It sounds like you’re ready for that anyway?

To be honest, if someone wanted me to drive to meet their baby but prewarned me I wouldn’t be allowed to touch or hold their pfb it would totally change how I saw them and I would distance myself - which it sounds like this friend has done to you.

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 16/03/2021 18:29

@Aquamarine1029

It sounds as though this friendship has run it's course, which is not unusual when a party involved has a child, but your friends treatment of you has been awful. I wouldn't be wanting her in my wedding, that's for sure.
Would you still invite her as a guest?
OP posts:
Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 16/03/2021 18:30

@GoddessKali

If you ask her to step down as bridesmaid be prepared for the end of the friendship. It sounds like you’re ready for that anyway?

To be honest, if someone wanted me to drive to meet their baby but prewarned me I wouldn’t be allowed to touch or hold their pfb it would totally change how I saw them and I would distance myself - which it sounds like this friend has done to you.

It wasn't personal, it was because of the pandemic. DC was a newborn and I couldn't risk him getting ill with covid.

I did explain that too her.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 16/03/2021 18:31

I think you need to have an honest chat with her tbh.

blueluce85 · 16/03/2021 18:33

I can't understand why someone would distance themselves because they couldn't hold your newborn baby in a FUCKING PANDEMIC

ffs, precious much?!!

I would 100% change the bridesmaids in your position.

Birdslovesinging · 16/03/2021 18:34

When I got engaged I excitedly told my nieces & my goddaughter they'd be my bridesmaids.

5 years later & two kids of my own, my plans changed. My DS & DSIL were my bridemaids & my daughters flower girls. Do were a little upset but things change.

I would just keep it as your DS & DSIL. Friends come & go. She'll be in your photos forever.

stackemhigh · 16/03/2021 18:34

You have a golden opportunity to use the pandemic as an excuse to not have her as bridesmaid and not have her as a guest.

Just tell her that due to Covid you can only have 6 guests so unfortunately it's a family only wedding.

Marvelwife123 · 16/03/2021 18:39

Sorry I wouldn’t have let anyone else hold my baby either she’s being completely unreasonable. It’s a pandemic!!!

If she’s upset at that I would definitely cut her out the wedding, everyone might have different ideas but we have to respect everyone’s boundaries during this Covid rollercoaster. Sounds like the friendship has come to a natural end regardless

MrsWhites · 16/03/2021 18:41

Just say you’ve decided to only have 2 bridesmaids now and the fairest way to do it is to have both sisters. Hope you don’t mind blah blah blah but obviously the pandemic has made us rethink plans and obviously we haven’t been as close this year anyway - hope you can still come to the wedding as a guest’.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 18:47

Would you still invite her as a guest?

Not a chance. She's not your friend anymore, op. It's sad but it's the truth.

cptartapp · 16/03/2021 18:52

I wouldn't have either of them either. Unless you've been friends all your life I would stick to family.

Floralnomad · 16/03/2021 18:58

Just tell original bridesmaid that plans have changed due to Covid and you are now having a smaller wedding with only 2 bridesmaids , don’t ask the other friend to be a bridesmaid , just have them as guests if you want .

Lizadork · 16/03/2021 19:01

I'd just have two bridesmaid rather than looking like you are replacing one friend with another friend. Just blame covid restrictions, family focussed or keeping costs down etc.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2021 19:04

The thing is, bridesmaids should be people who mean a lot to you, not just people who mean a lot to you in that moment. Could this just be a temporary gap? Just like your other friend had. No one has done anything malicious.

If you haven’t been friends very long then fine but if this is a friendship of many years I wouldn’t says it’s over just yet.

She may be going through stuff that you don’t know about too. I think you just need to reconnect. The wedding isn’t even booked yet so I’d see what happens first.

Cam2020 · 16/03/2021 19:10

To be honest, if someone wanted me to drive to meet their baby but prewarned me I wouldn’t be allowed to touch or hold their pfb it would totally change how I saw them and I would distance myself - which it sounds like this friend has done to you.

Really? Even in the face of a pandemic, back when we were watching the news on Italy and Spain and just waiting it to hit here?!

Is there a, reason she, might be behaving like this OP? Been trying for a baby, had a bad break up etc?

Holly60 · 16/03/2021 19:51

@GoddessKali

If you ask her to step down as bridesmaid be prepared for the end of the friendship. It sounds like you’re ready for that anyway?

To be honest, if someone wanted me to drive to meet their baby but prewarned me I wouldn’t be allowed to touch or hold their pfb it would totally change how I saw them and I would distance myself - which it sounds like this friend has done to you.

But surely the whole point was for her best friend to show support for her- the woman who had gone through labour and delivery, not to get her hands on a newborn baby, who really only wants mummy at this point. In the middle of this pandemic, showing support for your best friend who has just given birth means turning up and admiring your friends beautiful baby from a safe distance. Sometimes it’s just not about you Hmm
Holly60 · 16/03/2021 19:54

OP just be honest with your friend - things appear to have changed and it’s probably best if she comes as a guest. Try to have the conversation in person though, as awkward as it may be. Possibly go into it open mindedly and start by asking if she is ok, if anything has been going on etc. If it becomes clear that you have both just drifted then it will be appropriate to suggest that in the circumstances it might be best if she isn’t a bridesmaid.

nitsandwormsdodger · 16/03/2021 20:21

Of course you haven't seen your friend in a year , you are not supposed to have , I would not want to see someone's baby if there was even the slightest chance of even giving a cold
Have you found out what is going on in your friends life ? Maybe she is going through something? If you sack her as bridesmaid and and promote another it will be end of friendship ... have a good chat before you make any decision

underneaththeash · 16/03/2021 20:24

Just ask your sister and SIL and don't complicate things.
I'd definitely ask your friend to the wedding though, friendships wax and wane and you may become closer again. Just say you've scaled down the wedding.

RandomMess · 16/03/2021 20:24

Just have Sister and SIL as bridesmaids easily explainable due to costs.

How much have you checked in how your friend is?

PlanetPuddle · 16/03/2021 20:43

Just have the 2 bridesmaids. Blame costs if you must.

Brefugee · 16/03/2021 21:01

Would you still invite her as a guest?

Do you have limited numbers? Is she likely to come? Just explain to her that you've decided only to have the 2 family members as bridesmaids, but that she's welcome to come to the wedding.

Don't give it headspace

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