Mumsnet Life Coaching Required!!

[UndercoverIntrovert]

I’m going to ask advice here because I secretly love how brutal Mumsnet can be!
I need to pull myself together but I don’t know where to start.
I used to have a good job, good pay & perks, responsibility, pressure etc. Tried to do it part time once we had 2 children, but the stress took up too much space in my head, so (very happily) left work to parent. 15 years on, I’ve been working part time for the last few years in Finance in schools – it is the most isolating job I’ve ever had. Finance is always tucked away and I spend all of the time on my own. It’s like hearing next door’s party and not being invited. The people I work with are lovely, the work is ok (although underpaid and repetitive), but my job is stand alone and I naturally interact with no-one. (There's only so much I can bring up with my manager - schools are so limited for resources - I don't actually want to stay here that badly to kick up too much of a fuss.) Over the last few years I feel I’ve lost my social skills, my ability to make conversation, even rubbish small talk, and wherever I am I feel like an outsider (unless I’m with family and close friends). So I need to change job, that much is clear, but when I start looking, I find everything so overwhelming I could cry – I’m SO petrified of getting out there. I hate being on my own all the time at work, but there is a safety in that too. Help, I don’t know how to get out of this but I desperately need to.

Start by drafting a CV for yourself. List everything you do - you pare down later - so invoice prep, VAT returns, payroll, ordering.

Finance jobs - and you sound like you have a broad range of skills - are everywhere.

Thanks @LizzieMacQueen
I feel like that's the easy bit. I'm totally struggling with the change and I'm literally scared of having to talk to people, even though I 100% know I need to be amongst people again before I become a hermit :-(

Lots are like that at the moment with WFH.

I thought of another thing re drafting a CV, when you see a job advert you like look at the required skills and tailor your skills to fit

After many years of permanent roles I now work as a contractor so I have to join new teams and just get on with it. It was terrifying first time.

What I have found is that most people are nice or at least want a quiet life at work so are happy if you are easy going. You might not become instant best friends but everything is ok.
My suggestions are:-
Think about what you want to do.

Think about what you want from a job rather than what you don’t want.

Don’t expect to build a social life around work aim for reasonable levels of interaction.

Detail your skill set and remember nobody is doing you a favour by employing you, they are buying your skills and experience.

Start applying and interviewing to get your confidence up and also to start making the mental shift to leaving.

Once you start proper job hunting you will probably feel some detachment from current role creeping in.

If all else fails
JUST BLOODY DO IT!!!

Changing job could help, but why not address the actual issue which is lack of people contact, social skills, and confidence. Anything you do to boost those will help with changing jobs and will make you feel better during the job hunt.

I know during lockdown is hard to get out, but I think low stakes interaction is key. Is there anywhere outside of work where you can connect with others? Chat with a neighbour, volunteer etc. When clubs and sports open up find something you can go to.

Also just because you don’t have a natural reason to speak to other employees, you can still say hello and ask how they are on the way in. Even to the point of taking in a box of biscuits for other staff to share.

I’m not saying don’t job hunt, do that too, but if the issue is that you are too anxious to speak to people, you need to work in that do you don’t have same anxiety in new job.

Thanks so much @LizzieMacQueen & @ChazsBrilliantAttitude :-)
How can I 'train' myself into social interaction again? I'm so used to being on my own that I find myself with nothing to say most of the time (in AND out of work). Then I get so conscious of something to say that I can be really cringe! It's just not how I used to be!
I'm not really looking to socialise at work, but I just never appreciated how much talking meaningless cr@p with colleagues makes a difference to your day.

Urgh I keep going round in circles, I'm getting on my own nerves.

Thanks @Mycatismadeofstringcheese That makes a lot of sense.
I sort of tried the biscuit thing, and I do try and talk to people. I think people take my lack of confidence/shyness as lack of interest and aloofness. I try so hard to not to appear that way

Have a look at psycologies magazine- they do a kickstart your life course on line for I think it’s £29? Worth checking out.
Also what about volunteering? Try the do it website. Your skills could be really useful for a charity. Or volunteer at a food bank etc?
Might be worth trying cbt counselling too.

I think shyness can be really hard because people can misinterpret it.

There’s a quote that might help if you worry about what you say, “People don’t remember what you say, but they remember how you make them feel.”

Often others are feeling just as shy. When I’m feeling shy, I imagine the other person feels worse and think about how I can put them at ease.

You don’t need to entertain and be witty. People want to be recognised and acknowledged. Simple chit chat about how they are and then remembering about it the next time you speak to them makes people feel recognised.

The other thing I recommend is watching lots of comedy. One it cheers you up to laugh, and too it helps you see how comedians use language and timing to make people laugh.

Similar to mycats advice most people’s favourite subject is themselves. Make an excuse to go to talk to your colleagues. Ask them how they are, look interested in their response and they will think you are friendly. If someone mentions something eg a child’s birthday or a sick pet I will try to remember to ask them how it went. It all helps build a connection and show them that you are friendly

@LizzieMacQueen Women Returners - exactly what I need!! Might take me a while to get my head around it, but that's where I need to be. Thank you SO much, I'd never heard of it x