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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU over friend ignoring my birthday

22 replies

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 15:29

Bit of a backstory - I’m having a hard time of it of late. Issues TTC, failed rounds of IVF, developed very bad health anxiety, suffering from insomnia and now in counselling. I’ve been open with this among my friends. I have one friend who got pregnant when I was having a really rough time around a failed cycle. I told her I was v happy for her, lovely news etc but that I was just having a hard time myself. We have been texting and keeping in touch and I do ask after the pregnancy and how she’s feeling bit we’re definitely not in as much contact as usual and obviously with lockdown haven’t been meeting up.

Anyway fast forward to my birthday. Lots of my friends went above and beyond with lovely thoughtful gifts - fluffy socks, relaxing candles, bed scents to help with sleep etc. This friend sent nothing - not even a card. It’s the first time since we met in uni over ten years ago than I haven’t gotten a card or gift from her on my birthday. She did text saying happy birthday and I thought maybe it was delayed in the post but now it’s been a few weeks and nothing.

I am feeling very hurt and like it was intentional that she didn’t send even a card. Because I am struggling with the whole pregnancy thing and know it’s not my friends fault I had picked out a lovely mamma to be box with mother and baby treat things to send her near her due date and also picked some v expensive designer baby clothes so she would know while I am not there for her like I usually would be I am trying in my own way and am happy for her.

But now I feel like what is the point of even doing that. She hasn’t asked me how I am in a long time when I’ve asked how she is doing and feeling and while I’m sure there are difficulties to being pregnant (although her pregnancy has been fine and low risk thus far) I am really struggling and think she could have checked in with me.

But I also don’t want to start a tit for tat as i fear it will just spell the end of the friendship.

AIBU or what to do next?

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/03/2021 16:31

I’d be far more happy with the support via text than a gift but I don’t equate gifts with how much someone values a friendship.

Most adults don’t bother buying friends birthday gifts unless a special one. Birthdays with gifts are more for children and between adult partners.

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 16:56

I agree most adults don’t but in this friendship we always have done @IceCreamAndCandyfloss - I don’t actually care about having a gift or not. It’s more the change this year when our friendship is going through a bit of difficulty to then stop sending a gift/card. It feels quite pointed.

OP posts:

LilaButterfly · 15/03/2021 17:01

I would do everything the same way you usually would with sending her gifts etc.
Maybe she just feels a bit uncomfortable and unsure how to talk to you? She probably doesnt ask how you are because shes worried to upset you?
Maybe just keep in touch the way you have. Still send her the planned gifts and see how it develops.

SeasonFinale · 15/03/2021 17:09

With being locked down none of the friends and I who usually exchange gifts have been doing so. Noone suggested we shouldn't. We have just sort of drifted in to not doing so because noone is out an about and picking up things that x may like etc. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Tal45 · 15/03/2021 17:11

I would keep going as you are for now, send the gift and see what happens.

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 17:15

@LilaButterfly I suppose I don’t see how that precludes her from posting me a happy birthday card. I just had planned to spend nearly 200 on her between pre-baby gift for her and gift for the baby to make up for me not being my usual self and now I’m wondering if I’m just being a mug.

@SeasonFinale I could understand that but I sent her a gift for her birthday a month before mine and she loved it, thanked me several times and then sent me photos of it on display in her house. It’s very odd she wouldn’t even then get me a card back which is why I’m wondering if it’s personal.

However all here seem to think I am just being a sensitive so it’s possible I am.

OP posts:

MidsummersNightie · 15/03/2021 17:16

Similar thing, my friend of 30 years didn't send a card or gift this year, for the first time since we started exchanging them. She did text though. I figure it's simply the pandemic/lockdown, everything's just a bit strange for us all. It's not bothered me at all. Don't overthink it.

PawPawNoodle · 15/03/2021 17:18

She didn't ignore your birthday though did she, if she text you?

I say this kindly but you say you are open with your friends about the issues you're having. Does she need to specifically ask if you tell your friends about what's going on already?

I wouldn't expect any friend to send me a gift or card in the current times, much less a pregnant one. She may have a low risk pregnancy but going to the post office to post a present is exposure that isn't needed. Maybe she is trying to save for her baby. She could of course send you a moonpig card or something but that's no different to a text really.

LilMidge01 · 15/03/2021 17:19

I would try not to read too much into it. Friendships have lulls over time and it sounds like you've both been through a lot and its likely she feels awkward about the pregnancy, knowing about your situation.

I can see why you;re feeling hurt, but I would try to not assume it was personal...continue as you would have done, and don't lose a close friendship over this- its always harder to get back in touch after a long time (and once she has a new child) than it is to just at least maintain basics for now

justforthis7 · 15/03/2021 17:21

I think possibly she forgot before the actual day and felt bad/embarrassed so hasn’t mentioned it? If she were upset with you then it would be very odd behaviour to gush over the gift you got her and send photos of it in her house. If she were upset/whatever, she’d just say thanks and leave it at that, surely?

LilMidge01 · 15/03/2021 17:22

[quote Downinahole]@LilaButterfly I suppose I don’t see how that precludes her from posting me a happy birthday card. I just had planned to spend nearly 200 on her between pre-baby gift for her and gift for the baby to make up for me not being my usual self and now I’m wondering if I’m just being a mug.

@SeasonFinale I could understand that but I sent her a gift for her birthday a month before mine and she loved it, thanked me several times and then sent me photos of it on display in her house. It’s very odd she wouldn’t even then get me a card back which is why I’m wondering if it’s personal.

However all here seem to think I am just being a sensitive so it’s possible I am.[/quote]
Will you consider yourself happy to have not been a potential "mug" (as you put it) if in several years time you don't really talk much or know her child? I doubt a long time friend is actively trying to "take you for a mug", and surely the friendship is worth more to you than trying to "win" or "not be a mug"....

Candyfloss99 · 15/03/2021 17:24

Does she usually post the card and present though or does she give it to you in person? Maybe she'll give you your birthday present when she next sees you. I don't know why but some people think it's a major trouble going to the post office.

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 17:24

Thanks all for your feedback. I do feel hurt by it and also like she is stopping to care about the friendship but I guess in the case that I’m being over sensitive I will just carry on as normal for now. I think I won’t send the pre-baby gift for her and will send a normal gift for the baby when it arrives rather than an expensive one.

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 15/03/2021 17:25

It sounds out of character for your friend so I would wonder if something was going on with her that you dont know about rather than immediately assuming the worst.

I forgot a friend's birthday this year which caused her to go off on a rant abouy me to a mutual friend. Shame she didn't bother to find out that the reason was my dad had just had a stroke.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/03/2021 17:25

You say she got pregnant recently, did she had the baby yet?

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 17:29

@Candyfloss99 last year she got me a present virtually so it came direct from the website. I wasn’t seeing her around my birthday so she didn’t give it in person.

@LilMidge01 I meant more if I am being a mug considering spending hundreds on her and her new baby when she has now changed and didn’t even send me a birthday card when we usually alway exchange gifts. We are still communicating and chatting and I always ask how she is doing and feeling whereas she never asks anymore how my treatment is going so I suppose I’m wondering if this is the start of her checking out of the friendship now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 17:31

@AfterSchoolWorry no the baby is due in summer. I’ve just been thinking ahead for gifts as I wanted to get something special.

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 15/03/2021 17:35

@Downinahole ok, I see. Well IMO you are not being a mug. You are a thoughtful friend who is just a little bit hurt right now and she might not even be aware how you've taken this. It sounds like a one off so far, I would continue being a lovely friend if I were you. You were happy to spend that before the card incident so that shouldn't have changed it

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 17:38

My first thought was that with lockdown a lot of people are not doing presents/cards. She's send you a text so try not to overthink it.

I would maybe rethink your spend on the baby as she will get other gifts and if you do drift apart you don't want to resent it.

She might be struggling with her pregnancy or have complications at any point and may not want to share these with you. She knows you are finding it tough but her pregnancy will be the main thing on her mind and she might be struggling to know what to say.

Original poster

Downinahole · 15/03/2021 17:46

@MuddleMoo thanks for your post. I think you are right. I will look for something else that is nice but not as much as I was going to get before.

I’ve actually realising after posting this thread I’m just very upset at the thoughts of losing the friendship but I don’t know how to fix it as I’m struggling from not being able to get pregnant and she is pregnant and that’s not her fault! It’s very difficult.

OP posts:

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 17:48

@Downinahole I completely get it. I've been in similar situations and there's not an easy answer.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/03/2021 17:50

She's a long term friend, you don't want to lose the friendship, so why aren't you just talking to her?If she's back-pedalling on the relationship, surely you want to know why?

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