I'm going through therapy due to breakdown of marriage 18 months ago .
I am Trying to process what happened/ where it went wrong /how I contributed to it falling apart so I would appreciate objective opinions and need to get a feel for what type of a man I was married to and if you can relate please.
We may , got pregnant within months and moved in together after six months .
I received a tearful phone call one night from his ex telling me that he would cheat on me too.i ignored that as I had a new baby and couldn't go down that rabbit hole so to speak.
He was studying at the time part time in the evenings after work so there was minimal bonding time with baby . He was always working or studying . I fell into role of housewife pretty quickly. I did 100% housework/ admin/ parenting.
I believed that he was doing this for our future , to climb the ladder so to speak .
We married four years later . He is a quiet man but a ferocious temper . I never experience violence but I remember in play fighting, he got nasty and really kicked me hard, he also pushed me once .
He was shouty and angry. He punched the door one night when drunk as he felt undermined by a colleague when out socialising .
He then started to shout at the children when they misbehaved or didn't do as he said straight away . I always intervened as I would not have him shouting at the kids. They gradually became afraid of him , especially my only son , whom he threatened now and again.
When pushed, he would take them away to the park for an hour . They always without fail came back crying/ fighting / unhappy. It will s almost like he was unable to parent them.
He was tight with money and called all the shots regarding purchases in our house even though I was the main earner. I work full time . He kept changing goalposts about moving house/ buying a doerupper. Always changed his mind last minute.
He was sexually pestering .
He refused for sometimes months at a time to do household jobs that I couldn't eh plumbing/ light bulbs/fixing fixtures , yet wouldn't hear of me employing anyone .
He decided Tonkin the gym. Miraculously he could be home at sox instead of half seven but left after a shower and arrived home at nine when kids were in bed .
He didn't really speak or chat to me or the kids. He
Came home/ ate/ slept/went on his phone or watched tv .
Left late in the morning ( same time as us) but didn't really help out . He could have left much earlier to be home earlier .
He used his annual leave when he wanted to. He wouldn't use them for kids appointments etc.
Always had migraines at weekends... until a social event was mentioned. Then he would be fine and able to go .
I had a panic attack once . Our gp told us that this busyness has to end and he needed to step up essentially. He lasted one day . Back tfrom form day two.
Anyway to end up, he had an affair as he felt he could do nothing right in my eyes ( not untrue- he was useless) and of course I wasn't
As sexually interested as he was. He was quite coercive .... sulky and moody when he didn't get any action/ continuous groping and touching in front of kids ... until my son started to slap my bum too every time he passed me.
He left for his gf.i would have kicked him out anyway . I remember having a weird type a f smile on my face when he said he wouldn't try therapy or family therapy . We have two children with mild sn so I felt I had to try .
If you've got this far, thanks for reading . I'm trying to make sense of it all and I'd appreciate your thoughts .
I know he's done me a favour and I'm in a lovely new relationship with promise but I do need to ensure that I never allow my boundaries to be so eroded again and that I also take Responsibility for My part in the break up . Where was I unreasonable in all of this ? He would have said I was critical and thought I was superior to him . My overriding memory of him
As a husband and father was that I knew that if I asked him
To do something I couldn't , it would either not be done, half done or done
With lots of anger/ cursing and everyone walking on eggshells around him and then
He practically expected a party if this basic job was done eg unblocking a toilet . Sorry for rambling. I'm
Trying to get it all written down .
Sorry it's so long too
Thank you .