To say you are only as happy as your happiest child?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Regardless of their age?
I believe this to be true of myself. If my adult kids are unhappy, I am not happy either.
Yet I know of people who have kids who are deeply unhappy and yet the parent/parents say they feel very at peace and happy within themselves despite that.

Very much so. I have had to work on switching off sometimes as one of my adult children suffers from depression, but yes I feel their pain keenly.

I agree with you. I only have one dc (teenager) but I feel that my happiness is very closely linked to hers. Fortunately, she is generally very positive and happy, but I cannot imagine being happy myself if she was really miserable.

However, maybe the parents of children who are deeply unhappy have to find ways of detaching themselves emotionally, just to be able to cope? It's hard to imagine how I would actually react in this scenario.

I agree with you OP. It doesn't matter how old the DCs are, they are always your babies and their happiness is the thing that gives peace of mind for me.

Yes. Owing to lockdown y teen is fairly unhappy ATM - she tends to take it out on me and her father (but mainly me) - and it's really got me down of late. At a certain point though, you have to step back and not follow them too far down the rabbit hole of misery, as you have to be their emotional mainstay, and if you get too worn down, they have nothing to hang on to. If at all possible you have to model good self care and resilience.

Don't you mean, you're only as happy as your UNhappiest child?

Yes, I think it’s ‘as happy as unhappiest child’.
This rings very true for me.
Though I also know of parents who are constantly being confronted with adult children who would, if they didn’t find strategies to detach, make them miserable.

My mum has this printed and stuck on her kitchen cabinet. I was in a relationship that she didn't approve of (and did turn toxic and I am much better out of it, but at the time was happy) and it felt like another way of her passively asserting control over my situation and feelings. So I've never been able to see this as a 'helpful truism'.

Not if the parent is narcissistic!

I don't think it's our job as parents to always alleviate unhappiness; better to help our DC confront it and deal with it. I think this is where a lot of parents go wrong tbh. Life is difficult and "curling" parents constantly try and sweep the path ahead of their DC to clear any detritus in their way. Far better to hand them the broom!

Similarly, sometimes it's easier to ring up that teacher ourselves or sort out a difficult situation that makes your teen uncomfortable, but we are not doing them any favours allowing them to avoid discomfort. Same for sorting things for them which are causing them stress but to which they have applied no effort themselves! (Bit of a bugbear of mine!)

Yes was meant to say 'Unhappiest child.'