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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he jealous of my friend?

23 replies

Jelbo · 15/03/2021 12:31

Prior to lockdown my DP had what I would call an extensive social life, he works full time and would regularly play football (for a team) go running with a friend and go to the gym. He did all this on evenings and weekends, many times in the week he would work long hours then go to the gym meaning he would hardly see me and our child (now 2 year old) and at the weekend a football match would easily have him out of the house for 4-5 hours, then he would go jogging or to the gym too. None of this was ever planned with me, I was expected to look after our child and he did what he liked. We had a few discussions/arguments where I said it would be nice if he could try to spend more time with us and that him having 3 hobbies not giving me any time for any wasnt fair. This was never resolved and then lockdown happened so obviously he is at home more now.

Sorry for the long background but I feel like it is relevant to my problem now.

We moved house 6 months ago (not far but I now live close to a good friend of mine who has a child similar age to ours) in normal times I would meet this friend for soft play etc in the week when I could but owing to lockdown we meet for walks several times a week (around my pt job) and occasionally on weekends for an hour or 2.
My DP has started to comment more and more on this, it started off as jokes like oh off again for a walk while im hard at work. (While he wont admit it he very much thinks because i work pt from home and look after our child the rest of the time that isn't the equivalent to his full time job) but it's becoming more and more of an issue for him it seems and now I think he's jealous that I have somewhat of a social life, when my friend texts he comments oh is that so and so texting to meet up again sarcastically.
He's even tried to reflect it on me by saying well you said we never spend much time together, which I've explained was my issue a year ago prior to lockdown when I was literally left holding the baby while he did as he liked. I haven't mentioned it for ages so I don't know why he brings it up.
It's mostly the weekend he has a problem with, if I make plans to go out I'm 'leaving him on his own' yet he wont come walking with me (I've asked) and he isn't even interacting with our child anyway, he spends his day on the couch on his phone watching tv or whatever. We spend plenty of the weekend together and my walks with my friend include taking our child so I'm not leaving him home with a child for hours on end like he used to with me so what is his problem. Is he jealous or aibu to make occasional weekend plans with a friend for a couple of hours when I should be home giving him undivided attention!?

Sorry it's long!!

OP posts:

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 15/03/2021 12:39

Sounds jealous that you've now got a life and his is on hold due to lockdown measures.
If you've asked him to come with you and he refuses, carry on doing what you're doing. It's his problem.
Oh and don't be fooled that he won't go back to his old habits once he can. Keep
building your friendships.

Original poster

Jelbo · 15/03/2021 14:30

I already know that as soon as things are back to normal he'll return to doing things exactly the same.
I dont make friends easily and this friend of mine has made lockdown so much more bearable for me by getting out for walks but my DP is ruining it for me by making me feel I'm doing something wrong!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2021 14:35

You’re doing nothing wrong apart from having your own life which he doesn’t like because he’s lost all his hobbies and social life so he thinks you should too. He doesn’t sound like much of a partner

Ahmose · 15/03/2021 14:43

Breathtaking double standards there op, point that out to him.
Maybe you developed things to do with your child because he was never there?
Tell him to wind his neck in and give it a rest.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2021 14:44

Who cares whether he is jealous of your friend? He sounds like a bellend.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2021 14:48

A good partner would have

Automatically assumed equal leisure time from the outset. Non negotiable, and you shouldn't have to 'ask nicely'
Been happy that you have a friend and that you're taking your child out for exercise
Been grateful for the time to himself that you being out of the house allows. Reciprocated by taking your child out himself so that you too get a few hours peace and quiet
Interacted with his child

pepsicolagirl · 15/03/2021 14:51

Jealous of your friend? Perhaps.
Resentful of you? Most definitely.

Have it out with him and make him allow you to address your concerns and then either split or move forward. Don't less this stew.

WhoAreYah · 15/03/2021 14:54

Clearly the answer is to just have a conversation?

honeylulu · 15/03/2021 14:58

Eeewww the misogyny reeks!
He can do what he likes with his time and resources because he's a man.
When you do it (in a much milder way and taking care if your child at the same time) it's unreasonable because you're a woman.

pepsicolagirl · 15/03/2021 15:05

@WhoAreYah

Clearly the answer is to just have a conversation?

Perhaps the OP just needs a bit of moral support and a bit of reassurance that she is within her rights to feel the way she feels before her "partner" attempts to minimise her feelings?

Lacucuracha · 15/03/2021 15:11

He doesn’t sound very engaged with home life and your toddler. What does he do at home? In the end of childcare etc?

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/03/2021 15:16

He thinks you should not have any interests that fall outside of his needs.

You are not his emotional support human. He needs to stop sulking.

Original poster

Jelbo · 15/03/2021 15:18

@WhoAreYah I have tried and all i get back is him saying what i said a year ago about wanting us to spend more time together. But he fails to remember the part that it was because he was constantly out of the house with his hobbies and coupled with his job me and our child were never seeing him.
I only wanted him to cut down on some of it, not to have no social life at all.

@shoxfordian that is exactly it, when he used to be out for several hours on a weekend he had no problem if i went out on my own for a walk, but now he can't do the things he wants to he's annoyed that i can and especially more so that i am doing it with a friend.

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 15/03/2021 15:21

Next time mentions about you saying you should spend more time together, tell him 'yes I remember that conversation, and you chose to ignore me. Your double standards are eye watering dh. Maybe you'll remember how it feels when lockdown has finished and you dump us again for your mates'

Iloveacurry · 15/03/2021 15:32

Ignore him and crack on. Obviously there’s one rule for him and another one for you.

WhoAreYah · 15/03/2021 15:33

It sounds to me that a lot of the time you are having away from him is during the week when he is working? So his argument doesn’t really stand does it. One walk for an hour or two on a weekend is hardly in the same league.

He is not jealous of your friend or your life. He just doesn’t want you having a life.

Wellpark · 15/03/2021 15:45

You are living with a teenager/manchild. Imagine not wanting to interact with your own child! Get rid of him! You are too good for the fud

Alexandernevermind · 15/03/2021 16:02

He is jealous, controlling and selfish. Is there anything about him that makes him worth keeping?

Original poster

Jelbo · 15/03/2021 23:01

@Alexandernevermind honestly not really....

OP posts:

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 15/03/2021 23:38

It sounds like you are generally too soft on him OP. He was leaving you alone to do his share of the parenting and chores for most of the week and instead of demanding he did his share, you said it 'would be nice if he could try and spend more time with you'. Not that you would be going out Monday and saturday and he would be looking after your child then, and if he wanted any sort of relationship with you then he better pencil in some couple time as otherwise what's the point in being together.

He liked you being at home facilitating his life, he was perfectly happy you having to stay in every night because he was out, he didnt mind that it wasnt fair then. And any idiot can see now that the situation is not the same in reverse, you are seeing him for hours and hours more a week than you did previously. You were asking for some time of his before not 100pc of his time. Did you ever ask him to cancel all his hobbies and friendships and spend 100pc of his time with you? No so then what's his problem? Either he is controlling and doesnt like you having a life outside him and your child, or he is petty and jealous and thinks because he cant have fun well then you shouldn't either. Neither of which shows him in a good light to be honest.

I think I'd either ignore it, if he asks sarcastically if you're going out again, a cheery 'yep, bye!' completely ignoring his passive aggressive message. Otherwise you have to tell him to pack it in with the PA messaging and the deliberate misrepresentation of what you said about wanting to spend more time with him and only talk to you about the issue when he is ready to be honest about what his actual problem is with you going on a walk with a friend once a week, and if he is just going to make out he was 'joking' or he suddenly wants to spend every waking minute with you (because that's not what you said to him) then you don't want to hear it.

And also set some ground rules about what happens post covid. Eg he does bath time for your child every other night and sunday afternoons are family time, and you get every other Saturday to yourself or whatever.

billy1966 · 16/03/2021 00:06

He sounds like a waster.
No interest in his child and no interest iñ you.
I hope your contraception is sorted.
Do not get pregnant again with him.

You and your child deserve so much better.

Krazynights34 · 16/03/2021 01:06

OP - be very careful with this man.
He sounds dangerous, controlling and cruel.
I am married to one just like it.
For all the money in the world.. don’t ever discuss with him what you are doing or going to do. Just do it.
Tell your friend (don’t dump it on her if you see what I mean), so she’s aware of it.
I’d actually suggest leaving but I’d be a hypocrite because I’m in exactly the same situation (though my DD is severely disabled so I’m waiting til she goes to school to leave)

GammyLeg · 16/03/2021 01:10

He thinks you should be waiting to service his needs at home, and bring up his child without him having to do any of the heavy lifting.

Please don't let your child grow up thinking this is a normal and functional relationship!

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