AIBU to just not engage

[ItsMarchNow]

2 1/2 years ago, my DD's dance teacher was a real bitch to my DD (she was 5 or 6 at the time). Not in the way that dance teachers often are - tough love and all that. My parents are ex-services so I know all about straight talking. This definitely erred into bullying.

It was really quite hurtful because at the beginning there was something we had actually personally bonded over - and DD was getting private lessons as well as the class lessons (I run my own business so really wanted to help her make sure it worked) so I felt her treatment of DD, in the general class, in front of all the other kids and parents, when she really didn't deserve it was quite awful.

Anyway, all this time later she has now decided to get in touch to apologise. So far, within just over 12 hours she has not only added me on social media, she has tried to get in touch through messenger, contacted a mutual friend who's now overseas to relay the message and called.

As another bit of background to the teachers nature, she told me that she had felt various close family members of hers had not supported certain decisions she made and she just cut them out, and stuck to her guns even when they then reached out. Fair enough. But it shows how cold she can be when she choses.

I feel very strongly about bullying and I know it was a long time ago but I just feel that she should get the message that actually she doesn't just get her way because "she" has decided it's time to make up. In fact, I think this pestering is bullying in a different way.

On the other hand, there is the "life is too short, just make up" option.

So, should I ignore or be the "bigger" person?

Frankly I wouldn't bother with her.
She can totally do one.
People like that don't change.

You owe this person nothing, just ignore.

I’d talk to her but tell her what a bitch she was. An adult in a position of power bullying a child is totally unacceptable

You don't owe her anything. I personally would want to listen to her to see what she had to say. But if she was trying to seek forgiveness in anyway or make it about her I'd just block her again with no response or tell her her apology was disappointing and far too late. But that is just me.

Absolutely no way would I accept any get over someone who had bullied my DC.

As others have said, you owe her nothing. Clearly she feels guilty and is trying to make some sort of amends.

Leave her in the past where she belongs!

Oh yes, it's all about forgiveness for her. I listened to the message she left on my voicemail when I didn't answer the call

Ignore - if she can bully a child she is all sorts of crazy , just block .

What is being the “bigger” person, about letting some now effectively random person now get in touch with you?
Even if she’d been nothing but sweet to your daughter, she’s just an ex ballet teacher of your kid - why would you bother? She’s nothing to you, surely?

She’s not your friend - even without the bullying. She just wants something 🤷🏻‍♀️ possibly MLM?

No, I wouldn't engage. I'd tell mutual friend that if she contacts again, to tell her that I'm not interested in making her feel better about herself, and will not be giving her the forgiveness she's asking for.

She bullied your 5 year old daughter? 😳

Would I fuck engage other than to tell her what a horrible, bullying cow she is - the shit she pulled could affect your daughter throughout her life - how dare she contact you? you owe her nothing.

I don't think I could act rationally if a grown woman bullied my young child so well done you if you got through that period without retaliating, I would've made her life hell - fuck be kind!

As an aside, I'd dump the mutual friend too if she knows what she did and done nothing! I couldn't be friends with someone who was quick to pass on messages from my child's bully.

@ItsMarchNow

Oh yes, it's all about forgiveness for her. I listened to the message she left on my voicemail when I didn't answer the call

Thought so! I'd just ignore then. Or ask her to stop contacting you.

I would respond with something that closes the topic off, like "Whilst I acknowledge your efforts, we have all moved on now, so I think this is best left in the past. There is no need to contact me again".

Thanks all. Just blocked her.

Sorry to come back to this but I asked DD last night very casually if she wanted to start dancing her again. Her response was an unequivocal ‘No, I don’t want the dance teacher to pick on me’.

Right decision made there then!

If you do speak to her, tell her you don’t forgive her them she might actually think twice about bullying a 5 year old.

Glad you blocked her - I would never forgive an adult who had bullied my child. If she doesn't back off, I'd send her a solicitor's letter making it clear that I considered her behaviour as harassment. Did you speak to her organisation's governing body about her behaviour towards your child - an adult who bullies kids shouldn't be teaching them.

Your description of her would make me thing she wants something, it's not about forgiveness. If it was she would have made one communication expressing her remorse and left it up to you about whether you forgave her.
A sincere apology is about unburdening ourselves of guilt, forgiving is about relieving ourselves of resentment. Either can be done without the validation of the other party. It is not your job to make her feel better if she is genuine about her apology.

Don't engage and block.

Letting an adult back into your life that bullied your 5 y/o DD - what message does that give to your daughter, the person she is supposed to trust the most to protect her, is allowing her bully back into your lives and your daughter has no choice or control over this?

Gauging opinion on this would not have even been on my radar tbh. She’d have been blocked at the time it happened.

Kitchenfairy - your rage about my DD's "choice" or "control" seems a little over the top. DD has had no contact with her since I took her out of the class and at no point have we come across her in any way shape or form, on any level.

You might want to calm down, you'll give yourself a nosebleed.

It’s not rage, it’s bafflement, but sure, ok.

I would also not engage.
Blocking is best.
I would lay the facts out very clearly to your friend too, exactly how appallingly she behaved.

Pass the word around too about her.
She shouldn't be near children.