To get involved...

[weddingwhattodo]

NC as this is outing.

So I’m getting married in a few months, it’s a small wedding.

My mum is incredibly important to me, if I was only allowed one guest, she’d be it.

So a family member who is supposed to be coming to the wedding has fallen out with my mum. They made her cry and she’s still upset a couple of weeks later. They haven’t spoken since. I’m on my Mum’s side, I think the other person has been a dick and they have history for being this way, arguing with people.

So it’s coming to the point when I need to think about sending invites, probably by end of April at the latest.

I don’t want this person to come unless they resolve things with my mum and make up essentially. I wouldn’t usually get involved but it’s my wedding and I don’t want any tension on the day, for my mum or anyone else.

I’ve been thinking of messaging them to express my thoughts. I don’t think they’ll reach out to my mum to sort it out, it’ll just get swept under the carpet. That’s what has always happened in the past.

So am I being unreasonable to get involved?

Just don't invite them. They're a dick, and you know it, and they've upset your mother.
Fuck them.

Yep, just don’t invite them

Unless the family member is your dad or a sibling, just don't invite them and don't get involved.

seconded, or thirded? Just don't invite them.

I would talk to your mum about it first before getting involved.

I spoke to my mum and she wants me to speak to them. They are a sibling so I guess that's what is making me question whether to get involved.

If they're a sibling, it gives you more of a right to get involved to be honest. Just be aware of the situation being blown out of control if you do get involved though so if you truly want them to make up and both be at your wedding, be careful what you say and how you say it. Do you think the argument could be resolved on its own by the end of April without you intervening?

Yeah true, I didn't think of that. I was hoping it could be resolved without me involved but they ignored Mother's Day for her and in the past, they haven't spoken to her for months. Sometimes because of an argument but sometimes, they just don't contact her and she has no idea why.

A piece of advise from someone who has been in the same position as you with a sibling who is totally unforgiving...if you talk to them, I find it best to acknowledge their point of view and meet them half way (you don't have to agree with them but just say you understand). This can stop them flying off the handle and having a row with you, so they don't feel 'ganged up on'. It just helps them to open up and maybe see it from the other side. It's a hard position to be in, you have my full sympathy.

@weddingwhattodo - I'm sorry but I'd have to advise you to stay out of it, particularly after you've posted that this sibling has done this before and they haven't spoken to your mother in months as a result and your mother claims to not know why. I'd say she has some inkling of an idea why but she doesn't want to deal with it herself and wants someone else to do her bidding for her.

Time for your mother to tell this sibling that she doesn't know what it is that she has done/said wrong and that she is hoping that for your sake and the sake of your wedding that they can all be adults and show up and leave whatever baggage this issue is at the door so that the wedding can go ahead without any aggression or black clouds hanging over you all on the day. It would have to be your mother saying this to her child though (even though the child is an adult themselves).

You need to stay out of it. You're not involved now, don't get yourself involved.

Agree with lookitsmeagain - if your mother has no idea what the problem is - she needs to write that down and dentals to or speak to sibling about it as how can it be resolved it shes either flossing over the problem or not saying she does t know what it’s about. Ridiculous how can you (your DM) even think that a problem she doesn’t know about can be resolved is she doesn’t know what she needs to resolve

Meant - Send it to and glossing over

@weddingwhattodo

I spoke to my mum and she wants me to speak to them. They are a sibling so I guess that's what is making me question whether to get involved.

Sibling relationship for most people is the longest in time relationship you will ever have. You could permanently damage yours over something that your sibling and mum will probably get over. I wouldn’t not invite a sibling over an argument you are not part of.

Thanks for the advice. It's definitely giving me a lot to think about.

My mum does know what this current argument is about but I meant she hasn't known in the past why he doesn't speak to her for ages.

I do agree that I shouldn't get involved in some ways but I just can't see my mum having the guts to speak to him about it. He's quite manipulative and a bully so she gets upset, then flustered and doesn't know how to reply. So he just gets one over her every time.

So it's that she wants you to do her bidding for her. She just needs to go 'broken record' and ignore what she doesn't want to or like to hear from your sibling and keep repeating the same message. They can't get one over on her if she keeps repeating the message that she is hoping that for your sake and the sake of your wedding that they can all be adults and show up and leave whatever baggage this issue is at the door so that the wedding can go ahead without any aggression or black clouds hanging over you all on the day.

Again though, you need to stay out of it and you need to keep saying that to your mother - "Sorry mum, I'm not getting involved. I'm not taking sides and I'm not getting involved".

Yes, you're probably right. I will encourage my mum to speak to him, she'll be anxious but she needs to do it. If it gets to end of April when I really need to send invites and there's no progress, I guess I'll have to have a rethink.

Actually if it gets to the end of April and she hasn't had the conversation with her own grown up child, then you still don't get involved. You prompt your mum to have that conversation but you don't get involved. You need to then go 'broken record' on her and repeat the same message until she understands that you're not going to do her bidding for her and that your brother understands that you're not getting involved and he should want to be at his sister's wedding and be adult about it.

Can I just suggest that you could always elope and then you wouldn't have to deal with either of them!! :D

Just wondering how you're getting on @weddingwhattodo? Has there been any progress??

Hi @LookItsMeAgain
There's not been much progress, the ice has thawed a little between them but they haven't spoken about it properly. I've just cracked on with sending invites, I'll seat them apart and that'll be it I expect. I can imagine they will slowly go back to normal and act like nothing ever happened.