Be kind I’m so confused

[Thisisinmyhead]

My partner is normally a loving thoughtful person but today has blown me away with how a conversation went and I’m questioning everything! We had a conversation about the vigil last night and how women should feel safe, this part of the conversation we agreed on, then he started saying that he doesn’t like how I speak to him a couple of days of the month. I have PMS and have tried medication to try and stabilise my moods - this is something I have tried to fix and I apologise or take myself away from the situation if I feel I’ve been out of order. He knows all this and when I tried to explain that it’s a chemical imbalance, that he knows I’m trying to correct, his response was ‘all those men that kill woman have an imbalance too, otherwise they wouldn’t do it’. At this point I’m ashamed to say I just sobbed and left the room. I just want to know if I’m being over sensitive (or an arsehole) but please be kind either way.

Yanbu, he’s being a total arsehole. I’m so sorry he said something so cruel and insensitive

He sounds a bit thick, the two are not comparable, obviously.

Yeah, saying a couple of things abruptly is the same as KILLING someone

What a cunt

all those men that kill woman have an imbalance too, otherwise they wouldn’t do it’

That is a truly unforgivable thing to say. Has he apologized?

He should be fucking abject.

Honestly what a cuntish thing for him to say. In no way are they comparable. Unless you're trying to kill him once a month. I'd have lost my shit at him by the way. And it's not my time of the month.

I think what he is trying to say is that you can’t help what you do and a small minority of men can’t help their actions either. He’s just being clumsy and using a very bad parity.

C word comes to mind.

Men are being called out and unfortunately some are feeling defensive. Hence the #notallmen

His words are very revealing. There is no excuse for what he said and a lie.

How did he link what happened to Sarah with your PMS causing you to speak to him in a manner he doesn’t like and then using ‘chemical imbalance’ from PMS also being the reason men kill women I’d be very careful what you say to him from now on...

It is out of character but I’m just baffled by it. I actually considered just going to my sisters and not coming back (she only lives around the corner). We haven’t really spoken or spent much time together for the rest of the day so no apology yet, I live in hope!

@Thisisinmyhead I really hope he gives you a sincere apology, one that you feel is sincere.

So being a bit narky with your partner when you’re premenstrual is the same as grabbing a stranger off the street and murdering them? I don’t think so. A prime example of how men think their feelings are more important than women’s safety.

What a bizarre thing to say! I guess men are feeling defensive.

this is classic myth- that men kill us because 'they can't help themselves'- it's a moment of madness- the red mist descended- crime of passion etc etc
Whereas in fact violent men carefully plan their crimes.
If as you say your DP is normally kind and thoughtful I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, this time, after all these myths are sadly all around us so not surprising if he believes them.

But ask him to educate himself
eg www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/

He sounds like a misogynist .

Jesus Christ - not being perfectly pleasant all the time is not the same as committing a serious offence. I guess he was feeling narked and wanted to get the last word or something, but FFS. This is beyond a weird approach.

The fact he’s using your PMS symptoms (which you’ve said you have/are attempting to treat so they impact less on yourself and the people around you) as a stick to beat you with and something to compare to a woman being murdered by a man and violence against women generally, says a lot about him and none of it is very good at all. I would be expecting a sincere apology at the very least and even then I’m not sure that would cut it, but that’s probably because it sounds like the sort of thing my ex would have said to me to gaslight me so it does colour my view of men who say that type of thing.

[quote StillWeRise]this is classic myth- that men kill us because 'they can't help themselves'- it's a moment of madness- the red mist descended- crime of passion etc etc
Whereas in fact violent men carefully plan their crimes.
If as you say your DP is normally kind and thoughtful I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, this time, after all these myths are sadly all around us so not surprising if he believes them.

But ask him to educate himself
eg www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/[/quote]
Yes this.

Your dp sounds a bit defensive tbh.
I was criticised on sm for agreeing with the vigil and telling a man that most of the rights he takes for granted were got by someone in history breaking the law.

My dh and I have been talking a lot today about attacks on women.
I told him that whilst he, my df, db’s and ds are all good men they have never done anything proactively to help women fight male violence.
He agreed with me whilst we both acknowledged we don’t really know what good men can do.

I think that’s a truly unforgivable thing to say. It would make me question the type of man he was.

I think it boils down to most men simply not understanding how their behaviour affects us as they just cannot relate to the fear , emotions and intimidation men can make women feel.
I have felt quite off this week with my husband , who is a good respectful man , there are so many things he doesn't get about the topics that are highlighted at the moment.
We have been together ages and i thought i knew so much about him.
It has been a week of horror and great emotion , and i think a lot of us have been made aware of things we haven't faced or thought about until now .