Mother’s Day and judgement from going no contact...

[Opal93]

I’ve posted a good bit already about being NC with my mother, and this is the first time I’ve done it successfully. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I am finally enjoying the calm that I’ve never known. Today is Mother’s Day, a day that celebrates the “ideal” of what a mother should be but for some of us that’s just not the case. I have come under fire by a lot of family members today, apparently my mother has been on the phone to them all so hurt that I didn’t send her anything for Mother’s Day. I’ve had a lot of “this is the only mother you’ll ever have type comments” and “I can’t imagine treating my mother like that on Mother’s Day”. Yes, that’s because yours didn’t abuse you!! AIBU to feel judged by others for going NC? It seems to make many people very uncomfortable and comes with a lot of shame.

No personal insights to add but just to say hold firm. If going NC is the right thing for you...(you mention abuse) then quite frankly dont change your decision because of pressure from family members. Though I appreciate that must be tough. Good luck.

Sorry that Mother's Day is making you sad by reminding you of the inadequate parenting you suffered.

Ignore the negative comments from others, some people just lack the imagination and empathy to see that others may have different experiences. You've done nothing wrong.

Just because someone gave birth to you doesn't mean they get excused all bad behaviour. You do what's right by you

I'm in a similar situation @Opal93. I've accepted some people will never understand, both other family members, some of whom know why but are worried about how it looks, and also friends. I find the friend part much harder actually. Going NC or even LC is really really tough. I haven't read your other posts but I'm glad you've found some calm.

Tell them to fuck off snd enjoy your freedom.

Escaping from abusive family is something to be celebrated - well done OP.

Look up “flying monkeys”... this is what these people are doing. “Medium chill/grey rock” every time. Don’t offer any explanation or any emotion from you. Be light polite and offer no explanation or emotion. Takes some practice (I still skip bast medium chill to deep freeze sometimes ) but so effective it feels like magic once you’ve mastered it.

No you have to do what’s right for you. People that came from a home without bad behaviour or outright abuse find it hard to relate to! But at the end of the day, if they can’t even imagine it clearly they didn’t have to live with it!

You need to stay true to yourself. Remember that the people saying these things are being said by people who are presumably still close to your mother despite knowing she abused you. Therefore they will be making a lot of excuses to themselves. You know the truth and you don't need to apologise for doing that is right for you

I have come under fire by a lot of family members today,

Ah. Family members, aka flying monkeys

Flying monkeys (I wouldn't normally quote Wikipedia but this is a good short summary)

Don't let them get to you. They're not you, they didn't go through what you've been through. Don't respond to them, they'll just know they've got to you in a small way. Ignore and leave them to it. Hang on to this that you wrote in your OP: I feel like a weight has been lifted and I am finally enjoying the calm that I’ve never known. Keep hold of that calm, don't get sucked back in.

I couldn’t empathise with you more. I do not understand the belief that you should tolerate a person’s behaviour simply because they are family. I’m sorry your extended family have put this on you; it’s utterly cruel.

OP,

Do not allow these people to take your peace.

They have absolutely no right to force their opinion on you.

Be very selective of who can contact you going forward because you do not need their negativity.

Your choices are none of their business.

First MD here too after going (almost) NC for a year. I did cave and send a card from my son to ‘nanny’ though. It’s been such a relief not to have to steel myself up to call her.

I firmly believe that being a mother is a privilege and that you earn your child’s love and respect through your behaviour, not demand it automatically through the act of giving birth.

DH is NC with his mother so the DC and I are also NC with her. Based on experience, it gets easier with time as it slowly sinks in to the other party that NC means NC. Stay neutral in front of the flying monkeys because everything you do say will be fed back to her, if she tries to make contact ignore it, think of the reasons you went NC in the first place.

Block the monkeys. Job done.

Ah the 'you only have one mother' bollocks. Had that one many a time, shame the one mother I had wasn't fit to hold the title.

Being a parent is a privilege not a right. Being loved and shown care from your children is the same. You fuck up, you lose those privileges, including being remembered on days like today. That's what happens when you treat people, especially the ones who rely on you the most for love and care, like shit.

Enjoy your continuous peace and toxic free life, @Opal93.

YANBU at all OP.

It's so draining isn't it, when others feign disbelief at your decision not knowing the half of what you've been through.

Totally understand .

Have these family members been on the phone, texting or how are they relaying the disappointment to you? Any phone conversations just cut them off straight away and change the subject. If by text, ignore. You don't need to give a response or justify your decision. And they won't have any tales to bring back to your mother either.

I think I must be on about 12 years NC now, I remember before that trying to find an appropriate Mothers Day card that just said Happy Mothers Day nothing too gushy or wonderful as that’s how I felt. I’ve tried to stay off SM between all the gushing posts, your in an odd place when your NC you grieve because you don’t have that Mum relationship but your Mothers not dead, you want to ask why did you get the one you did? I turned my focus to my own DC instead.

It does get easier OP, other family members stopped asking after a while.

They didn't live your life. They don't know your life.

Everyone will get used to it. It's your business, not theirs. Well done for standing your ground!

I remember before that trying to find an appropriate Mothers Day card that just said Happy Mothers Day nothing too gushy or wonderful as that’s how I felt

DH was like that the last year before we went NC. We were looking at the cards in the shop and they were all "special mum" and "wonderful mum" which he grumbled was pushing it a bit far and said he wanted one that said "well done for doing the bare minimum and fuck all else".

Oof! This talk of researching for the "right" card has really hit home as that's exactly what I did yesterday

Good luck to you OP. A courageous decision. There's many that don't/won't understand it but they haven't lived your life.

Just ignore them, OP, change the subject if you are chatting or just delete any stupid texts. They haven’t walked in your shoes.