Trigger, feel really shaken up after Sarah Everard case

[Gruffaloandmouse]

Trigger

Not sure if this is allowed here, but I hope so as I feel I need some support.

Is anyone else really shaken up by the tragic Sarah Everard case?
I’ve been thinking about it constantly for a couple of days, worrying I’m getting a bit obsessed!
This case feels close to home for me, Sarah was a year older than me, we look similar, we seem to have a similar background from what I’ve read about her.
I can’t stop thinking about how scared she must have been when she was taken, I know we don’t know the details just yet, but she would obviously be terrified.
Over the past couple of days, I’ve had several memories come back to me that I’d pushed to the back of my mind. When I got flashed by a random man walking home in broad daylight when I was about 15 or 16. And when on a train home at about 11pm from my ex boyfriend’s house when I was around 18 an old guy in a suit started feeling up my legs in full view of the entire carriage (which was basically empty except one young guy) I didn’t report either of these incidents at the time, but in hindsight I wish I had. There’s also been plenty of near misses, when I was curb crawled at night while walking to a friend’s house and asked if I wanted a lift. Luckily he didn’t pursue it, but it could have been very different. I was fortunate in that instance, unlike poor Sarah.
I really hope I can raise my 2 year old DS to have respect for women from an early age and if others do the same then we can hopefully end the fear women have about simply walking home, something that should be a given right.

I think it’s completely normal to feel like this

This is going to sound disgusting, but I really like crime documentaries so initially starting following Sarah’s disappearance due to that. However seeing the investigation unfold in real time and the literal human cost has put me off watching crime documentaries going forward. It’s not entertainment. There’s real people and families behind them and Sarah’s disappearance has shaken me too.

I have regularly walked home at night, in London, with AirPods in and thought nothing of it. I literally leave my house every day and haven’t stayed at home all day since I was in school. I’m 23 so that’s 7-ish years. On Tuesday and Wednesday I didn’t leave my house at all as I was that shaken up over this. That’s major for me. The situation just felt very, very raw and I couldn’t stop thinking about Sarah.

I’m starting to slowly feel more comfortable venturing out, albeit I have been taking Uber everywhere. Hoping you’ll start to better soon too.

I think it might help to stop dwelling on it and instead, think about the future. Your DS will one day class as 'men' so focus on bringing him up to be a decent bloke. I think that's what they mean by 'be the change you want to see in the world'.

What is the point in distressing yourself with 'what if'? It solves nothing and it'll turn you into the frightened little dormouse they want you to be.

It's absolutely horrendous (speaking as a stranger rape victim) and just awful to think about. These cases resonate with me.

It can be a horrible realisation op, that women are really vulnerable to male violence. Sometimes I think we build up a thin veneer of feeling safe (especially if anything bad hasn’t happened to you for a while) then cases like this shatter that veneer.

Many women in the Feminist chat board are feeling exactly the same way and there are a couple of good threads with suggestions for action to help us feel less powerless in the world.

Many women doing little things like writing letters and finding ways to make our voices heard and get our safety taken more seriously will be a powerful force for change.

@ViciousJackdaw

I think it might help to stop dwelling on it and instead, think about the future. Your DS will one day class as 'men' so focus on bringing him up to be a decent bloke. I think that's what they mean by 'be the change you want to see in the world'.

What is the point in distressing yourself with 'what if'? It solves nothing and it'll turn you into the frightened little dormouse they want you to be.

Completely agree with this. I felt the same as you OP for a day or so this week, then started thinking bigger - 2 women die a day at the hands of men a day, I think. I have 2 sons to raise well. Every woman has been in a situation where they have felt threatened by men. So let’s act on things instead of being scared into perpetuating the current situation.

Thanks for all the kind responses. I feel really uneasy leaving my house at the moment and I live in a very low crime area. I just hope poor Sarah didn’t suffer too much

I'm really disturbed by it also. For some reason I keep googling it and looking into it.
I can't stop thinking about it, imagining what she must have gone through and how terrified she must have been.
I have a really vivid imagination which really isn't helping matters.
I just can't understand what must go through the mind of a people who is capable of carrying out such a disgusting, horrible act on another human being.

I also can't stop thinking about it, I've been wobbly and on edge for days. Also have noticed that memories have come back to me. I've had discussions about it with friends, we've never talked about these experiences before but we all have them in common. It's also affecting me how little men seem to care about it.

I’ve been wondering how the attacker overcame her. We have to assume everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but I just have this horrific feeling that the attacker - if he was a policeman - used that status to overcome her natural defence. He could simply have jumped out and overpowered her, but that would have been highly likely to have been seen in well lit London streets full of cameras. I cannot bring myself to think of the detail of her ordeal - the point at which she realised she was in extreme peril. Unless her attacker confesses those details I suppose we will never know. I think the memory of her is best served by her friends and family remembering positive things about her life, and the rest of us continuing to campaign to make the streets safer.

This has bought back some very hairy memories for me as well. Of course we can't speculate as such but I'm thinking exactly what you are @Dexysmidnightstroller wrt how it happened. Not the point here but I find it extremely galling when men wheel out the "can you tell us what to do / not do (to protect you)."

Thank you so much to you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I have felt exactly the same; triggered and suddenly can't escape all the bad memories of things that I haven't thought about in 20 years. I feel constantly on the edge of tears and very shaken and distressed. As awful as it sounds, I'm a bit relieved that others feel the same and that it is not an unusual response to what has happened.

I think it’s struck a chord for a lot of women. Although this sort of thing is rare, a lot of women can put themselves in her shoes and it taps into our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. I’m the same age as Sarah and don’t live too far from her in London. I have found myself going cold listening/watching the news as the story has unfolded. It makes me feel quite physically ill. I’ve found myself thinking of her a lot.

I think some high profile cases like this really stick with you and I imagine many of us will still be thinking about Sarah in years to come.

When I was a teenager I didn’t live far from Sally Anne Bowman who was murdered just outside her house. That’s really stayed with me my whole life, it’s meant ever since that I have always waited for friends to be physically inside their houses before driving off and have asked taxi drivers to wait even if my friend has the key in the lock - just in case. These sorts of cases really stay with you and tap into something very raw.

I’m the same it makes me so sad to think of what happened to her and I can’t stop thinking about it . The Libby Squires murder doesn’t seem so long ago and the trial was fairly recent and that was another heartbreaking story . Sorry I don’t have anything constructive to add but Sarah Everard keeps playing on my mind too .

Libby Squire’s story was devastating. I’m a year older so could closely relate. I used to feel embarrassed about an occasion where I was paralytic and my friends looked after me all night; after Libby’s disappearance I felt so relieved they had the presence of mind to do so. Her family are so strong for everything they’ve contended with since 2019.

Keeley Bunker too. Another recent, tragic murder where she did everything “right” - chose a trusted childhood friend to walk her home and was betrayed in the worst possible way💔

Both offenders had previously committed “low level” offences and both victims got decent media attention yet nothing has really changed

I felt like this in 2008 after the brutal rape and murder of Moira Jones in Glasgow she had parked her car and was heading to her flat when she was dragged into Queens Park. She was beaten to death and raped. She was just walking home too...I lived very close to where it happened a few years beforehand.

A while ago I watched the Ted Bundy Netflix documentary. Time and again he used his natural charm, looks etc to put women off their guard. It was I think a more innocent age but it was just hideous thinking of how he was able to get away with it. Sarah’s attacker obviously had some way of getting past her natural caution as I said and that is what makes me feel physically ill every time I think about it.

She was just walking home too...

I think this is why I’m so incensed by Sarah’s murder. Walking home a normal, staple thing to do, yet you frequently see commentary like “she’s such a daredevil for walking home late/alone/wearing that/doing that/not doing that” etc which makes it seem like the victim was “fair game” to get pounced on. Sarah’s death was just one too many.

I'm still terrified about this whole thing. I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me really jumpy etc. I'm even scared in my own bed at night, I just can't stop thinking about what Sarah must have gone through.

I’m glad it’s not just me, I’m incredibly jumpy at the moment. I don’t like being in the house by myself but my DP and DS are both at work and nursery atm so I’m very hyper aware. I live in a low crime area, but I’m on edge a lot at the moment, if I have to go out at night I really don’t like to at the moment, even to just put the bins out!

@PrincessandthePeach I’m the same, I can’t sleep at night and very jumpy. Every tiny noise sets me off.

You're not alone and it has made me think of things that's happened to me in the past too. Things that I had just put to the back of my mind.
One thing that was by far not the worst in what happened but when I think about what happened after I feel furious and wish I was stronger and more confident at the time to have questioned it - I was about 18 and was on the way to my boyfriends house, I had a bag of my stuff and was heading to the bus stop. A dirty old man pulled up beside me and asked if I was doing "business" (meaning am I a prostitute) I was horrified and said no that I wasn't, he then tried to get me to get in his car, when he finally realised I wasn't going to he drove off. About 5 seconds later the police pulled up beside me and asked what was going on, I was so relieved as I was so shaken up. They said that there is a problem with prostitution in the area and had seen me talking to the man through the car window.
I explained that he had actually approached me and tried to get me in his car and I'm clearly not a prostitute with my overnigt bag and bus pass out and could they go after him and deal with it.
They told me in no uncertain terms that they didn't believe me and I had to give my name and fingerprints to a machine they had so they could make sure I wasn't wanted or anything.
Eventually I was sent on my way but I will never forget how I felt, I expected the police to treat me as the victim in the situation and protect me but they dealt with Me like I was the criminal and the pervert got away with it, I was dealt with at the roadside in full view of anyone going past like I was in the wrong and the man got off Scott free.
Sorry for the long story but I've never actually said this out loud to anyone and I'm still upset by it all these years later.