What makes us resilient?

[MakeMineALarge1]

I am genuinely interested in this topic
As someone who has worked exclusively in covid for 12 months I have seen a lot of my colleagues go off sick with stress, but others haven't - what is different?

Why do some people cope and not others.

This is not intended to be a goady thread - I hope I have worded it in a way that promotes discussion not judgement

What makes someone get PTSD from the same experience, but someone else doesn't.

I recover from setbacks quite quickly. I can adapt quickly in changing circumstances. I am fairly realistic. I am self reliant. (probably too much so)

I think things like bereavement are on a different scale though and not coping in those situations isn't a reflection on resilience, it's a very natural response.

The current situation is so hard as I'd normally be able to find a way to work my way out of feeling frustrated and powerless, but the normal coping mechanisms of laughing with friends and family, going on a relaxing holiday etc just aren't there due to COVID.

The back ups aren't nearly as satisfactory and I wonder if this is contributing to burn out.

@Lacucuracha

I learnt at a young age to be self-reliant. It has its advantages but it means I’m chronically incapable of asking for help, even from family.

100% this for me also

Well firstly don’t assume that the staff who aren’t off sick are actually coping or doing ok - lots won’t be. Appearing to cope or be “resilient” can actually be worse for some people, it can be harmful in the long run. You give the impression that coping is somehow admirable or a strength, well it isn’t always a positive thing.
Being able to admit you are struggling and need help is very difficult for some people (such as my Doctor Dh), and they feel an enormous pressure to “cope”. Trouble is that may come back to haunt them badly in the future.

Contrary to what lots of people seem to think, I don't believe a hard life makes you resilient, I think quite the opposite. If you had a loving secure upbringing and have strong relationships as an adult (see also upbringing), you have far more reserves to draw on when faced with testing situations IMO.

@yoyo1234

Sometimes an ability to (healthily) forget things that you see as having been done wrong to you. Someone once described this to me as a "fuck it bucket" put what is in it and toss it out.

See this I would describe as practically the definition of resilience.

The question is still how do you get to be like that?

I think you do need to be able to believe that [this thing] is not the end of the world; so having experienced and come through some other things will probably help.

(Though of course so will the objective knowledge that actually [this thing] really isn't the end of the world; which is why some people cope really well for ages, then a whole load of awful stuff happens all at once and they collapse. Not because they're not resilient, but because their lives really are shit right now.)

I also think that the baseline surety that I am loved and that life is generally ok (even if I grew to realise that objectively that might not be true for large swathes of the world) has been helpful.

Other people appear to draw strength from the knowledge that they got through their more-or-less shitty childhood.

@IHateCoronavirus sorry for your loss

OP, I have been taking part in a study about effect of covid. From time to time, they send a questionnaire for me to answer

Several of the questions are about the following, so i assume these have been identified as protective factors - how much support do you have, do you feel able to seek support, do you feel you have control over your circumstances, are you optimistic that things will improve in future

@Chuckitout

Contrary to what lots of people seem to think, I don't believe a hard life makes you resilient, I think quite the opposite. If you had a loving secure upbringing and have strong relationships as an adult (see also upbringing), you have far more reserves to draw on when faced with testing situations IMO.

@Chuckitout I agree. Surviving adversity is not the same as thriving

I also think that the baseline surety that I am loved and that life is generally ok (even if I grew to realise that objectively that might not be true for large swathes of the world) has been helpful.

I have a strong sense of belief in myself probably because I'm loved & supported by family & friends. This gives me the ability to brush a lot of things off. However I'm not sure how resilient I would be in certain circumstances eg bereavement or terminal illness.

As someone with mental health problems in the middle of a medication change its really hard not to take your post as goady. But to give the benefit of good intentions. I think your op positions a lot on the individual. Why can't the just bounce back. When I think most of it is circumstance and experience with a bit of personality which it at least partly formed through nurture.

So somone who has an unsupportive partner, a sick parent and then past trauma from bullying for example will likely be less resilient.
Personally I'm not overly keen on the word resilience as I feel it places a lot of blame and responsibility where actually reactions are out of our control.

@Chuckitout

Contrary to what lots of people seem to think, I don't believe a hard life makes you resilient, I think quite the opposite. If you had a loving secure upbringing and have strong relationships as an adult (see also upbringing), you have far more reserves to draw on when faced with testing situations IMO.

This.

My job is high pressure and colleagues are often stressed. I am cheerful and pragmatic and not a lot gets to me.

As a child I had little support and low aspirations. I somehow worked out that I needed to do things on my own if I wanted to achieve anything. This couple with my appalling stubbornness makes me very resilient, though as a PP mentioned, chronically unable to ask for help.

I also have experienced what I would call my rock bottom. Not much that happens now is likely to be worse than that so I have that to draw on.

By contrast, DH and I raised DS entirely differently to my upbringing and he has enjoyed a calm and supportive childhood. He is by nature an anxious child, but due to a lifelong participation in Scouting and input from us is the most resilient teen I know.

I'm also fortunate that I am in a position to cope well with setbacks. I sleep well and am in good health (as are DH and DS) We are not wealthy but we are comfortable and I am in a job I enjoy that is almost 100% secure. Therefore my figurative "bucket of shit" is really quite empty when it is called on.

@Okbussitout

As someone with mental health problems in the middle of a medication change its really hard not to take your post as goady. But to give the benefit of good intentions. I think your op positions a lot on the individual. Why can't the just bounce back. When I think most of it is circumstance and experience with a bit of personality which it at least partly formed through nurture.

So somone who has an unsupportive partner, a sick parent and then past trauma from bullying for example will likely be less resilient.
Personally I'm not overly keen on the word resilience as I feel it places a lot of blame and responsibility where actually reactions are out of our control.

@Okbussitout I hope your medication change is successful. FWIW, I didn't think the OP was goady. I took it at face value ie if two people have the same experience, why might one struggle more than the other? And it's useful to know this, in order to provide better / more support to those who need it

Goady would be "A is coping fine, therefore B is making a fuss and needs to stop moaning"

Agree that resilience shouldn't be a badge of honour / stick to beat you with, and if you are resilient, it's likely down to luck and experiences, not personal virtue