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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends ex is saying she is a unfit mother.

25 replies

evelynina · 14/03/2021 10:25

My friend has a DD aged 8 our DDs are the same age. We had them relatively young. Friend and ex split when their DD was 6 months old. She hasn't had a long term partner since then until now.

My friend had a bottle of wine or so last night while her partner was at work, she was a bit merry but not that bad.
Her DD asked to phone her dad before she went to bed, her DD asked him about having a girlfriend to which he replied your mother is drunk and silly I'm coming round.
He came round and tried to gain entry to the property saying she is a danger and an unfit mother he wants full custody. He phoned the police saying she was an unfit mother , recorded her and waited outside the home the police came and asked her partner to come home which he did.

I'm really concerned friends ex has never had an issue with her parenting for 8 years until my friend got a new partner.

Her ex is now saying he will go for full custody and she is beside herself.
What is the procedure?

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/03/2021 10:35

I can only translate this as your friend got pissed on a bottle or so and got her daughter to call her dad asking personal questions. The dad was right to be concerned and I dont think it has anything to do with her having a new partner.

FeelthewrathofthesuperRad · 14/03/2021 10:43

You said the ex never has a problem with her parenting until she got a new partner.

Does this mean there are several recent things that the ex has been unhappy with?

It could be your friend being drunk and the only adult looking after the 8 year old is the final straw. Was she trying to get the daughter to fish for personal info?

AStrangerToHerself · 14/03/2021 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reinventinganna · 14/03/2021 10:50

I assume that it was more than a ‘bottle of wine or so’ of the police asked your friends partner to come home.

PicaK · 14/03/2021 10:53

Tell her not to panic.
So. It's a good thing the police came - for those kids that really need it a bit of overkill is fine. Breathe and let it go.
How drunk was she? If she regularly drinks then 1 bottle over an evening shouldnt have had that affect. She drank more than that. She needs to own her own mistake.
Are there any other instances recently where she feels she's let herself down? Can she be honest with herself? Can you be the kind of friend thats still there even where your friends mess up?
If any of those statements ring true then into school tomorrow (ring/email) to talk to the Head and ask for signposting to Early Help.
This will be she gets a bit of help steering herself back on track. We can all do with help. And her twat ex off her back with not a leg to stand on.
I've been there. You know what - social services are bloody lovely when you are honest and engaging. They want to help.

FeelthewrathofthesuperRad · 14/03/2021 11:01

Out of curiosity how would your friend react if her daughter called from her dads asking personal questions whilst he was drunk?

minniemoocher · 14/03/2021 11:10

If she drank a whole bottle of wine alone whilst her dp was at work it indicates to me she may have alcohol issues or something else going on. Her ex wouldn't know she had been drinking unless her behaviour worried her dd or was obvious via the phone. If I was the dad I would be concerned too.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/03/2021 11:34

I can only presume with the child's age that this happened really early on before her bed time or the child was kept up way after a reasonable bed time. Either way its worrying.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 11:40

Your "friend" fucked up. And I wonder if this isn't the first time and if the child maybe mentioned mum drinking before

ArtfulScreamer · 14/03/2021 11:52

She drunk a full bottle of wine alone before her 8 year old was in bed! I think her ex has a right to be concerned.

nimbuscloud · 14/03/2021 11:58

She drunk a full bottle of wine alone before her 8 year old was in bed! I think her ex has a right to be concerned.*

This
And possibly she was feeding the questions to the 8 year old - it’s not ok to do that to a young child.

Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 12:01

My exh left 3 under 10's home alone every night he had them. Went back pissed. No authority gave a shit...

pointythings · 14/03/2021 12:05

Your friend acted very irresponsibly. She was the sole adult in the home with a child and she got plastered - that is not OK. If this is a one-off her ex won't get anywhere, but if this is something that happens regularly then it is absolutely a cause for concern. It's perfectly possible for the ex to be unreasonable re her having a new partner while having genuine concern for his DD, being left alone with a mum who is drunk.

Your friend needs to get her act together.

BronwenFrideswide · 14/03/2021 12:11

My friend had a bottle of wine or so last night while her partner was at work, she was a bit merry but not that bad.

A bottle of wine or so, how much had your friend had to drink?

Her DD asked to phone her dad before she went to bed, her DD asked him about having a girlfriend to which he replied your mother is drunk and silly I'm coming round.

How did he know your friend was drunk and silly?

He came round and tried to gain entry to the property saying she is a danger and an unfit mother he wants full custody. He phoned the police saying she was an unfit mother , recorded her and waited outside the home the police came and asked her partner to come home which he did

What was he recording, what was your friend doing or saying?

For the police to ask the partner of your friend to come home from work suggests that your friend was more than a bit merry.

It may well be that the ex has only had concerns since the new partner arrived on the scene, why would that be? Has her parenting changed?

The ex was right to be concerned and your friend has given him ammunition to use against her if he is really going to go for full custody but the decision for full custody will not be made just on this incident.

purplecorkheart · 14/03/2021 12:26

Sorry but surely you can see that your friend messed up big time. She was in solo charge of an 8 year old and got drunk.
Was your friend bad mouthing her ex and new partner to the 8 year and that is why she rang her dad to ask. Was the 8 year old scared of her drunk Mom and called her dad for help. Was she shouting in the background while the child was on the phone? How did the ex know she was drunk?
Honestly I think he did the right thing. This has to do with his child's safety (both physical and emotional) not his new partner.

Changeforchangessake · 14/03/2021 12:29

@minniemoocher

Yes. If the child was ill etc how is she going to know - basically would you be happy if the babysitter got pissed and then got your daughter to phone and ask personal questions (!) of you. I’m guessing now and I would be worried too!

HauntedPencil · 14/03/2021 12:31

Sounds to me like you are missing a large part of this story.

user1471462428 · 14/03/2021 12:34

I’m a single parent and I don’t drink at all as I don’t think you should have any alcohol on board whilst looking after them. Your friend needs to completely give to reassure her 8 year old that kind of manipulative drama will never happen again. It’s not much to ask if she loves her child.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/03/2021 12:38

Drinking a bottle of wine by yourself in one evening is problematic. Unless she is willing to accept that then the road ahead is going to be tough.

I imagine the police will make a referral to SS.

What contact arrangement is in place?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2021 12:50

It;s a poor choice of thing to do but as long as she isn't an alcoholic/drunk every night I think splitting up a child from her mum or attempting to is a much worse thing to do. And all that posturing is ridiculous.
An 8 year old is quite old enough to take herself to bed for one night.
i think both woman and girl must have been very scared by his intimidating behaviour.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 13:01

i think both woman and girl must have been very scared by his intimidating behaviour.

Mum is so drunk, police comes and calls partner to come home, but it's ex and his behaviour which is wrong and scary...

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/03/2021 13:03

I can understand her ex drinking a bottle or so of wine before 8 year old goes to bed is an issue. If i was ex i would also bevwondering how often this happens.

I had a friend who did this she had a fire in her house when she passed out.

We are not friends now as I am not going to collude with that behaviour.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/03/2021 16:52

i think both woman and girl must have been very scared by his intimidating behaviour

Really?

NailsNeedDoing · 14/03/2021 17:12

Honestly, if I knew my coparent was drunk and alone with our 8 year old child who was now saying unusual things, I’d be concerned enough to go round and question their parenting as well.

Your friend fucked up, she deserves a bit of a shake up. It’s unlikely that the ex will go to court for full custody if your friend acknowledges that she was stupid, apologises, and doesn’t do it again. He had every right to be upset, he probably just needs a chance to calm down and some reassurance that it won’t happen again.

Hollanda40 · 14/03/2021 17:20

@evelynina how much had she really been drinking?

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