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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you meet up with her ?

29 replies

LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:05

My boyfriend has a good female friend, he had thought me and her would click and i was looking forward to meeting her.
I did and she seemed very open and friendly, she kept suggesting stuff that her and I should do together, and was very open with me telling me about her life, her ex etc, and she seemed genuine. However I'm quite quiet and introverted and at one point she made a remark at how she didn't like quiet people, so I was a bit hmm.

She suggested we meet up one to one even as we lived very close to one another.

I met her about 3/4 times with my boyfriend all in all.

After a couple of months, I hadn't seen her for a while. I decided to ask her if she fancied a coffee and a walk me and her, I was a bit nervous but decided to go for it.

She replied saying yeah sure, what day etc. And I replied, but she never replied to my next msg and the coffee never happened.

I wondered if it was Covid, but it appeared on social media that she had met up with some others.
I presumed she hadn't wanted to. After about 2 months she messaged saying sorry she hadn't been in touch but she had been stressed during the pandemic. I replied saying I understood and asked how things were etc. But again no reply from her.

I casually mentioned to my boyfriend that I had heard from her out of the blue and he said that I had come up in their conversation the day she messaged, and he had said something along the lines that I was always looking to make new friends.

Anyway I figured she wasn't interested for whatever reason. It hadn't seemed to match up with her words and behaviour when I met her. Anyway it's no issue, nobody is entitled to a friendship. My boyfriend says she does that quite often, she will give the intention to somebody that she wants to be friends, then will say behind their back "Why on earth would I go for a coffee with him/her."

With the rule of 6 thing approaching I think my boyfriend is suggesting we meet up as a 4 with her and her boyfriend.

I feel embarrassed and awkward about seeing her again, even though I shouldn't, and don't want to look like I'm desperate. If it were a bigger group it would be different but 4 is quite intimate. Should I go?

I just don't want all the niceties and false pretences again, but don't want to seem petty either.

OP posts:
Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:07

I think it came at a point in my life where I was struggling to make new friendships and so this was something I took personally even though I really shouldn't.
It's true that nobody owes anybody friendship. It just seemed that she was really going out of her way to suggest activities etc for us to do.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 14/03/2021 08:08

Don't overthink it. Go along with a meet up as 4 and be friendly but don't expect anything else. I would be friendly with her for the sale of your bf but not think about anything more.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:09

Yeah, I should do that. I'm just kinda nervous about it, I really don't want her to be overly friendly again and know deep down that she isn't keen on me.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 14/03/2021 08:09

"I just don't want all the niceties and false pretences"

Which it sounds like this is. It's a forced relationship that didn't quite hit it off. Tell your boyfriend that and to stop touting for friends on your behalf. That's just odd.

ReverendRicketyCricket · 14/03/2021 08:10

She sounds like a complete flake and not someone I'd be wasting my time on. Bin her off both on a one to one basis and as part of a group. You don't need it.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:10

He understands now, he didn't try to force anything, he just thought in the beginning we would get on really well and so did it, bit it's really not the end of the world if we don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:11

I do find her flaky, as she was over an hour late to meet us on 2 occasions and cancelled on my boyfriend twice in a row as she didn't have time or something.
Maybe it's mental health related though, who am I to judge.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 08:11

Don’t force it. If you don’t click just stop seeing her for yourself.
By not replying to you I think it’s showing that she wants to end it.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:13

Yeah, if it were a large group I would really have no issue as there are others to talk to, but just 4 of us is different. For the sake of my boyfriend though I'll go and be polite.

OP posts:
LongTimeMammaBear · 14/03/2021 08:13

View her as his friend. Go along but don’t expect anything more.

Sally872 · 14/03/2021 08:14

If she is important to boyfriend I would go and be polite but not look for anything more.

Maybe she does have all the nice intentions but then life gets in the way or she is one of those people who are useless at being organised. Try not to take it personally.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:14

This kinda situation tends to make me very shy and awkward which I know sounds pathetic, as I end up second guessing the person, but certainly I haven't messaged her since and I have no intention to.
She sometimes "likes" my social media content though that probably doesn't count for anything.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 14/03/2021 08:17

I would go along and view it as a casual gathering, I wouldn’t be looking to make any one to one arrangements with her again.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 08:19

Yeah, I'll go with that, I'm sure it won't be as awkward as I'm thinking it will !

OP posts:
dudsville · 14/03/2021 08:44

Honestly I wouldn't bother. The one to one idea didn't work. Let your bff and her meet up without you. Life is short, we need to do as much as in our power to do to spend that time well and dull social meet ups are not worth energy. I get that you have some hard feelings and i wondered if there might be a need to save face, but why force a situation just to show you're ok.

maddening · 14/03/2021 08:50

Tbh you have the upper hand, you have behaved fine, you and your bf know she has been lacking in manners, the one that should feel daft is her, she sounds like she lacks self awareness so she may not realise it.

crystalcherry87 · 14/03/2021 09:00

Weird. Sounds like there's 3 of you in the relationship.

ElderMillennial · 14/03/2021 09:17

I don't think you should spend any more time on her. It's not about being owed friendship but she couldn't even be bothered to reply to your messages. More importantly you feel awkward so why do it? She had her chance.

Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 09:30

I probably looked a bit silly moaning about it to my bf but haven't mentioned it since.

I posted months ago about it when she hadn't replied to the messages and was screamed at saying that it's odd to entertain a friendship with my boyfriend's friend, why would she, she owed me nothing etc.

I think another thing was that she was happy for me to buy her expensive drinks at this bar we went to, but then she was all eww why would I go for a coffee with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LawrenceChaney · 14/03/2021 09:31

I shouldn't have bought anything, I think I felt I had to as she had bought me some even though it was only 2 lime and sodas as I don't drink.

However it taught me a lesson to not do rounds from now on.

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 14/03/2021 09:34

I think you are giving her too much power here, you feel like you will feel awkward as essentially maybe she isn’t that interested in you. Well that’s fine, you have now decided that she’s kind of a flake and are only interested in her as your boyfriend’s friend so you are on an equal playing field. If she keeps suggesting things this time just give her vague non-committal answers back and leave it there.

DavidsSchitt · 14/03/2021 10:22

"but then she was all eww why would I go for a coffee with her."

Hold on, you didn't say that she'd said this specifically about you. Now it seems she did, and your boyfriend relayed this to you, yet now he wants you to go for a meal.

No. Why did he think it was ok to tell you this and expect you to entertain her afterwards? That's not ok.

As for her, she's made it clear how she feels so no, I wouldn't bother with her again.

Dragisnotacontactsport · 14/03/2021 12:54

I don't think this comment was made specifically about the OP, just that this person seems to have this general attitude towards people who try to initiate friendship.

Mylovelyhorsee · 14/03/2021 13:16

@LawrenceChaney
Wait what? She screamed at you!? Wtf?

Mylovelyhorsee · 14/03/2021 13:19

@LawrenceChaney oh sorry your BF said that? Sounds like your BF is the problem.

  1. Pushes you to be friends
  2. Reveals she bitches behind people’s backs
3.screams at you and says this friend owes you nothing.

He doesn’t sound great.

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