To feel slighted at not being legal guardian?

[Midlifemusings]

My brother and his wife both have significant mental illnesses that at times impair their ability to parent. It was very bad for a few years but as the kids have gotten older, everything has settled a lot over the past couple years and they are all far more stable. The boys are now 8 and 10. Due to their situation, my parents and I have done a great deal of childcare (taking the kids for weeks at a time) as well as ensuring the have food etc. The kids for years had bedrooms with their stuff at both my house and my parents house. I have been part of their life on a weekly basis since birth.

They recently told me that they had done their wills and chosen by other brother as the children's guardian. my other brother lives a 5 hour flight away and has for almost 2 decades. He typically visits once a year but goes occasionally send them cards and will face time them now and then - he isn't a stranger but he isn't close to them.

I didn't let on it bothered me in the least. It is their decision to make and the chance of them both dying is much lower now than it was in years past but after all the time and money and resources and effort....I was hurt. On the plus side, I get a close relationship with them that my other brother doesn't have but still!

They are someone resentful of having needed so much help. So I don't know if that is part of it - or if it is due to the slightly different political / faith based beliefs I have vs them (nothing extreme) or if they just really think there is something about him that would make him great. I'll get over it, but I am definitely stewing a bit at the moment.

Em, have they actually discussed this with your other brother and obtained his consent to be named as guardian?

Maybe they think you have already done enough to help ?

In the event of their deaths, their expressed wishes do not necessarily get put into action. If they died, you would all have to sort out residence etc legally.

So I would just mark it up to their illnesses and their resentment, as you said, and let it whistle past my head.

You sound like a wonderful aunt. Your nephews have been lucky to have you in their lives.

A little known fact @Midlifemusings is that many people listed as guardians decided when those situations arise not to go through with it. I've seen this a handful of times. Considering the distance and less of a connection, I do hope they have a back up plan too.

I agree it sounds like resentment, shame, embarrassment may play a role. Focus on your connection with your nephews.

Could it be about finances? Do they think your brother has more disposable income than you?
Either way, you and your parents have been helping all along. That means more.

In most countries if they had such significant LD their last wishes could be easily overturned. All that matters is what is in the child’s best interest and it sounds like if something happpened to them, that would be to stay with you.

Don't you feel obliged for the children's sake to point out to them their wishes are inconsistent with the actual situation regarding the brother and how unlikely it is their wishes would be followed? Also tell them you feel unappreciated.

Please don't take it personally, you say they have mental health issues but not specifically which type. I assume that those issues are not of the most extreme kind if the children are still in their care. However, if their issues alter their ability to reason as you and others might, then this decision might just be a case of that. They could also take for granted that you will be there anyway and perhaps your brother lives in a nice sunny country and they they think - oh wouldn't it be lovely to live there.

Ultimately, if it came to a situation where the children needed to be placed, social services would be very unlikely to send them overseas and they would be looking for stability and continuity for the children and so I would assume that they would come to you and your mother in the first instance.

That sounds ridiculous, you absolutely should address it with them it’s not in the best interests of the children.

My DC have many fabulous aunts and uncles but I chose those who live closest to us and to our parents to be their guardians, a as I felt that that way the upheaval would be minimum.

They recently told me that they had done their wills and chosen by other brother as the children's guardian. my other brother lives a 5 hour flight away and has for almost 2 decades.

I never understood why people think they can just bequeath children in their will. Even to people who don't want them! Their 'wishes' mean almost nothing - the council will make sure that the children are placed to whoever is best suited to it.

Ignore it and don't rise.

If it comes to it where the children need to live with a family member, the children want to live with you or your parents - as they will be old enough to have a say - and your brother is also suitable but won't agree then it goes to Court.

However most families sort it out amongst themselves without legal involvement who children in the family live with if both their parents die or are incapable.

The will is just a wish but doesn't have to be followed at all. The children need a stable home preferably with people they know and trust plus adults who want to take care of them. When people make wishes like that in wills they forget that people have spouses/partners they live with who may not want the children around as they don't want to care for them.

Sometimes like in my family's case it isn't a blood relation of the children, but a parent of other children in the family who ends up being their legal guardian.

How wonderful for you to have been there for these children.I was brought up in fairly similar circumstances and an aunt and uncle, both of whom married late in life and had no children, were such important figures in our lives. My uncle brought us sweets and magazines every weekend, turning us all into voracious readers.My aunt looked after us during holidays. Behind the scenes they assisted financially and emotionally in every way they could. My elderly widowed uncle moved in with my sister and lived with her up until his death at 95, on his death bed he was sat with by 2 nieces and 2 great nieces. The stability which the both of them brought to our family was incredible.
Your relatives are being very ungrateful but it's all about the children and the you will reap rewards by seeing happy and stable children in years to come.

I wonder if they took advice.

My sister wanted to put me down as guardian in the event of something happen to her.
I live 2 hours away and was considered a career girl at the time.
She was advised not to put me down as I wouldn't be viewed on favourably.

I’d be hurt, but if it came to it a s you wanted to have the children then it’s likely that you would given your experience and history with them. No court is going to say some one who lives out of their network, away from their home and schools and sees them once a year would be a better guardian.

They resent that they have needed your help. As many have pointed out, it is v inliklely that children would be sent overseas to a virtual stranger. Ignore it. Telling you this feels like an opportunity to be a bit unkind to you.

‘ I never understood why people think they can just bequeath children in their will.’

It’s a really sensible thing to do, and when you make a will as a parent something you are advised to do by the solicitor.
HOWEVER as a parent you need to think carefully about who the guardian would be so that the state or your family doesn’t step in to oppose your wishes. It needs to be someone who has agreed to be a guardian, can be a guardian and someone who you trust with your children, and their inheritance.

You aren't being unreasonable, but their choices may be clouded by their MH and their emotions due to the support you've given. Maybe to them, having you as the guardian somehow acknowledges a failure in their parenting.
It's all pointless anyhoo as if it came to it the council, SS and courts get to agree the best home. With the support and strong bonds you have, you'd be the first port of call.
I see it as another example of their inability to make good parenting choices.
Your nephews are so lucky to have you

Yanbu. My sister and BIL nearly caused a family fall out when they announced that instead of picking either of their sets of parents or siblings as guardians for their little girls, they had chosen friends of theirs who live 300 miles away and see the girls once a year at most. Their reasoning was they didn’t want to upset anyone by picking one family member over another.

My mum was devastated until I reminded her that 1) the chances of both of them dying young were vanishingly small and 2) no court in the land would send the girls to live with virtual strangers in a city hundreds of miles from anyone they knew when there were at least 5 family members willing and able to care for them in the immediate area who already have close and loving relationships with the kids.

Could it be that they don't want to burden you any further? You've helped out so much up to now, they feel it fairer that the other sibling take their turn?

The guardian makes the decisions, manages any money left to the D.C. they don't necessarily take possession of the D.C. they make arrangements.

We nominated my brother as guardian but my kids would reside with my parents. The guardian simply manages their money and it was to ensure my parents did take money. My kids are adults so no longer an issue