AIBU? I can't trust him.

[PullTha]

I can't trust DH with our baby (1 month).

I don't try to control the time he spends with him at all but one thing I have said is please please don't fall asleep with him on you on the bed/sofa. If you feel yourself falling asleep, just put him in his basket (we have one right next to the bed and the sofa so he wouldn't even need to get up!).

Yet every time I go off to have a shower or just do something in the house I come back and he's asleep with the baby in his arms lay on the sofa.

He doesn't do a single night time because I can't trust him as he's openly admitted that if DC wouldn't sleep in their basket he'd just sleep with them on him and I'm being paranoid thinking anything might happen. How am I meant to just go to sleep and let him take over at night when he's saying that? Therefore I can't and I do every night.

Am I being unreasonable or is this a pretty normal thing to not do with a tiny baby and to expect your partner to not do either? He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm being paranoid but he does it all the time and I feel like I can't ever leave them alone without worrying.

OP I find myself in almost a similar situation
My LO is 3 weeks old & has just begun to settle in the Moses basket this week
But last week I came from having a shower & my DP has my son asleep on his chest on the sofa , & he was asleep also
I took the baby off him , put in basket , woke DP up & had a go at him
I admit I'm paranoid about SIDS - who wouldn't be , it would be truly awful thing for a parent to go through

You're not been OTT , you're been safe
Does you partner understand SIDS ? Maybe you could get him to read up on it & see the stuff they advise you not to do

This kind of cosleeping is dangerous. He needs to realise that pretty damn quickly.

Thank you. It's really fucking me off. I can't trust him to help me by like taking him whilst I have a nap or anything.

He's not even doing night times at all so not sure why he can't just stay awake for a few hours.

I sleep downstairs with the baby too so he's literally getting undisturbed sleep every night and he can't just stay awake for an hour on a Saturday whilst I wash and lie down without falling asleep when he knows how much it concerns me.

My husband never did any of the nights it was always me but I was ok with that but I got a lay in every day.

@PullTha

I sleep downstairs with the baby too so he's literally getting undisturbed sleep every night and he can't just stay awake for an hour on a Saturday whilst I wash and lie down without falling asleep when he knows how much it concerns me.

Get him out the damn bed. He can get up for the day when you get up.

www.bounty.com/baby-0-to-12-months/health-and-care/sleep-and-crying/why-sleeping-on-the-sofa-can-be-deadly-for-babies

Ask him how he'll feel if his baby dies in his arms while he's asleep

Yanbu. I would be furious at his blatant don't care attitude. Does he know how dangerous his laziness is? I wouldn't trust him and would be very, very angry with him.

Christ what a moron.

I couldn't be with someon so selfish as to put a newborn at risk.

Get HIM out of the bed.

Reach out for support or go and stay with family.

OP, you have married a Class A waster.

You deserve better.

To be fair re the bed, its me who wants to sleep downstairs as I have the TV and bottles close by.

But yeah it would be nice to be able to go for a nap in the day without worrying what's going on downstairs.

My brother works with a woman who suffocated her 2 month old on a sofa whilst asleep. He simply can't be doing it.

Yanbu...what a useless twat!

He is being so stupid and dangerous. The reason there has been such a decrease in SIDS and babies dying of suffocation is because of campaigns illustrating how dangerous this kind of thing is. Does he not understand, or not care? He could kill your baby.

Then set up a safe way of bedsharing so he doesn't resort to unsafe ways. Most parents do it at some point, and it is biologically and historically normal.

My partner used to do this and I hated it but it meant I couldn't relax snd had to keep checking he was awake so I wasn't getting a break. Tbh I know it sounds bad but I just had a huge go at him and he doesn't do it anymore. We very rarely have words like that but sometimes it's needed!

He has to stop. If he can’t stay awake then he can take the baby out for a walk while you have a break. Hopefully he could be trusted to do that.

Could this be his way of avoiding parenting?

For you to feel fearful of leaving your baby with it's father because he may kill the baby with deliberate lack of care is so shocking.

I believe this to be very unhealthy for you and that your relationship is a bad one.

I would tell him very FIRMLY that you will be moving out or if it suits you better tell him to leave.
If he is a danger to that baby through deliberately being careless, he shouldn't be in the house.

You need to stop being so passive.

Get on to your GP/health visitor/family etc.

Stop accepting this.

This is a big deal.
You need to treat it as such.

Sometimes a new father might do something unintentionally dangerous through not knowing.

But to continue doing something that could threaten the safety and life of a newborn is extraordinary.

Do not play down the seriousness of this.