Trigger warning - violence and abuse - No contact parents moving abroad, aibu to feel so hurt?

[Buggeredpelvicfloor2013]

I dont even know how to explain this because I'm trying to make sense of it in my head. Really dysfunctional family, DM absolutely toxic and abusive to me but not my DB. Regularly violent from the age of 9, always careful never to mark my face though so bruises couldn't be seen. Culminated in breaking my nose and blacking my eye when I was 15 and I ended up living with my Nan till I moved out at 23. At 15 when I moved in with Nan, my DM told me she would come back for me in a month but needed space. Never came back to get me. I grew up thinking verbal and physical abuse was normal, a part of life. If you don't clean up quickly enough, you get a smack. Asked for food, you'd be told you were a fat ugly little troll. When i moved in with Nan everything was different and I realised it wasn't normal to be hurt, scared to make noise, scared to put lights on. Life was happy with Nan, she gave me all the love I'd missed but she never quite got over the fact she hadn't spotted what was happening to me as a child and never forgave herself no matter how many times I told her it wasn't her fault. She was my support network, my role model, everything. She died 7 years ago whilst I was pregnant with my DD and the funeral was the last time I saw DM (although she didn't speak a word to me or even look at me). I've tried a few times since then to get in contact. Sent her a message on fbook saying that time has passed and maybe we could get help together to move forward and give it one last try. She said no. Made out I deserved the abuse because she had never wanted me anyway. Anyway, to the AIBU. Was looking on Rightmove at houses and up pops their house. Their house came up as SSTC. It made me feel sick and I cant even explain why?! Its so stupid. Why do I care? This woman broke me inside and out, damaged me beyond repair it feels but I am struggling so much with this. Looked on Facebook (obviously not 'friends' on there, she blocked me years ago but her DH hasn't) and they've moved countries. Why is this hurting me so much? Whats wrong with me? Aibu to actually care? Sorry because this is so long and might not make much sense but I feel knocked for 6. It's like I've been abandoned all over again and I feel so bloody weak, unwanted and utterly stupid.

I'm so sorry for your hurt, I have no advice to give you as I have no experience of this kind of situation but I would say that this woman does not deserve the title of mother. I'm so sorry that your dear Nan died.
Do remember that she found you worthy of love.
Try and let this woman go and enjoy your own family and get the love and support you need from them. I hope someone else will come along and give you some better advice. 💐

Of course you’re hurt!! This woman was meant to love you and care for you. You waited for that to happen all through your childhood, of course you’ll subconsciously still be hoping it could happen, even just a little bit, even though logically you know you’re better off without her.

Thank you both. I think that's it, I was always waiting for what could have been and now the door feels locked if that makes sense.

I’m so very sorry OP. You never deserved to be treated that way, and it’s not because of any shortcoming on your part that you were.

She is never going to miraculously change into a loving mother OP but hopefully you will have a brilliant relationship with your daughter as you know how not to do it.
Do you have anything to do with your brother?

It’s hurting because you are still an abused child, hurt by the person pretty much the most expected person to love and cherish you.

It’s a tired old trope on here but this is a situation crying out for therapy. You may have had some already but now you need more. (I have a friend in her sixties with an abusive mother and she is still trapped in her web, don’t be her.)

Wishing you all the best with a future in which you are free from thoughts of this awful individual.

I think the fact that the door is well and truly closed is bound to hurt. There is now no real chance of her suddenly turning over a new leaf and becoming the loving mother you need and although you already knew ( with your logical mind)that this was never going to happen a small part of you ( that little girl inside) still clung to a small vestige of hope and that has now been snuffed out.
It is so unfair that she treated you so badly but it is now time to let it go once and for all and concentrate on your own family. They sound awful frankly and you deserved so much more. I agree that building that relationship with your own child us the best way to start to heal. Look forward and try to let it go. X

I fully sympathise with you - my mother did this, we are NC and have been for a few years, she was very abusive, an addict and an alcoholic. She sold the house and moved without a word when my sister suddenly died and no one bothered to tell me. I drove past one day (it's quite close) and found a skip outside full of their furniture. So I text my cousin who said yes she has moved a while ago and wouldn't say where, as wasn't allowed . It's very hard to comprehend especially when you have children how a parent can do this. I honestly think though you are better of without her (as am I without mine) i would also suggest getting some counselling and treating yourself kindly and please remember this isn't on you. It's not your fault and you cannot change what others think of you but you can choose how you react x

Bless your heart. Do not beat yourself up or question why you feel like this. You were the child here and children should always feel that the one or two people that always there for them, no matter what, are their parents. Your parents let you down in the cruelest possible way. They didn't deserve the gift that was you and your brother. They took something away from you and have shown no remorse. You are suffering from abandonment over and over again. This doesn't just go away as soon as you turn 18.

My father left when I was a small child after a volatile relationship with my mum (him violent towards her). I'll never forgive what he put her and us through yet there are still feelings there of knowing my dad didn't really want me. Being treasured is what every child needs to become a secure adult. You didn't have that. Despite how wonderful your nan was and thank the Lord for her love, it still doesn't take away from the fact your parents massively let you down.

What you're feeling is completely understandable. You probably feel quite lost as they are a part of your identity that you cannot shake off just because they wish to have nothing to do with you. Rejecting you over and over again is never going to help you move forward into a content life that you deserve.

Please, please, please seek some therapy for this. You deserve to be happy and you can be. Don't let them ruin the rest of your life. Have you got anyone IRL you can talk to? Please always feel you can talk to us here

I want to give you a big hug. This is your mother’s fault and her loss. I suggest you try to see this as the closure you need and think about getting some counselling to move on and be happy. Your daughter is your family, and you and she have a right to be happy. Best of luck with everything.

It's hurts because it's hurtful - I'm so sorry you had that life and that abusive relationship - she's still being abusive - rejecting your contact, ignoring you, not talking to you and yes of course it all feels like abandonment again and again.

I'm glad you at least had that period of calm with you nan - she sounds lovely - I'm sorry she's no longer here.

Your mum does not deserve your forgiveness or your kindness - you deserve better than her abuse.

I also want to give you a huge hug - be kind to yourself .

Thank you so, so much for all of your kind responses. I feel slightly more normal about it after reading them. It's so difficult that decisions others make towards children affect them for their whole life. I've had so much therapy, am part way through yet another cycle and on paper I should be so happy. I'm blessed with my beautiful DD and wonderful DS, and I think somehow that makes it harder because I can't imagine not giving them all my love and showing them how precious they are every day. My DB, I havent seen him for 20 years. He was only 5 when I was kicked out and from what I've heard was basically warned about his devilspawn sister. That hurts because I idolised him from his birth. I'd never blame him for that though, it isn't his fault. As for my DF, he died 2 years ago and I never met him. My DM and stepdad had my DB and as soon as they had their family, I was surplus to requirements. I've got amazing kids, a lovely husband (although we've had our ups and downs) and great friends but irs so hard not knowing where I came from. I sometimes feel surrounded by so many people but the loneliest person in the world. I need to give my head a shake I think, I'm not normally so negative, I swear.

Do you think Mother's Day triggers you? I know it does me. I like you have been in therapy years and feel like must have done something wrong or that I caused it somehow. I am the black sheep of the family because of the lies she spread about me. It hurts. I too feel lonely and I totally get your comment about people all around you and yet you are on your own. One day at a time is how I take things. I honestly think op that you are better off without her but I also get how you feel xxx

Yes, I find that Mothers Day, birthdays, even Christmas are all triggers actually. I'm so sorry you've experienced this too xx

So sorry to hear about your upbringing. Mine sounds very similar, and my nan was more of a mother to me. She gave me nurturing that my own never did and her house was my “safe house” as a child and the only place that ever felt like home to me until I moved out into my own house at 18. When I am sad and grieving for the mother I never had it does bring me comfort to think of my nan, I did get some of the things I needed and deserved from her(like being treated like an actual human being!) she died almost 4 years ago. I am feeling little pangs about Mother’s Day but thankfully my sons birthday has fallen on it this year so that has taken over it and kept me busy. Totally get what you feel like and you can PM me anytime x

Hey Op, I can relate to how you are feeling.
I was adopted by people that had so many issues, still do. I long to be told thy are proud of me. I’m 47 and in my final stages of becoming a qualified counsellor. I may understand why I feel the way I do but it still hurts.
The abuse I have had since I became a teenager is just awful.
A book that has helped me so much is called
Adult children of emotionally immature parents. It made so much sense.

I will never be good enough in their eyes. I am blamed still and punished if I do anything that asserts my boundaries.
Since I started training I’ve learnt so much and I’m a different person.

You know what, Happy Surviving Abusive Mothers Day to us ladies 💌

Right back at you

You have every right to feel the way you do. Apart from anything else, you are probably mourning the childhood you should have had - the mother you should have had - and that is a really painful thing to have to do.

Sending you a big, properly motherly hug.

I'm so sorry for your experiences as a child, OP, and also for the additional hurt that you are experiencing as an adult

We never stop wanting our parents to approve of us, do we? Even when we can objectively see that they are too dysfunctional to ever be good parents, a part of us is always that small child longing for them to love us.

You might find it helpful to post a more general thread in the Relationships page - perhaps something along the lines of "Does anyone else have parents like this?" as you seem to have found it beneficial to hear that you are not the only one who has grown up in this sort of family. Perhaps it would help you to feel less alone and to recognise that your response to it is very normal and quite understandable