I think I am BU about my MIL comparing DD to her DD (TW: SIDS)

[NameChange0472]

Been on here a while but name changed in case this is outing.

So I genuinely like my MIL who is a lovely person. Tragically, she lost a DD as a baby to SIDS. Now DH and I have just had our first baby, a DD, who's about 4 months old. MIL often compares her to her own baby DD - things like "Oh, Sarah (not actual name) was just like that." The problem is it terrifies me, particularly if it's to do with sleeping (as the baby died in her sleep). I don't want to ask MIL to stop doing it - I get it, she's seeing things in our baby that remind her of her baby, and that's fine. But I find it really difficult to cope with.

Any advice, oh wise people of Mumsnet?

Gosh, you are overthinking this. She is fondly remembering her daughter she never got to see grow up, it must be very bittersweet for her.
Not sure how you think some there is some negative energy connection to your daughter.
Can you not just say "aww that's nice Sandra. Aren't we lucky to have ...DD... Fancy a cup of tea?"
Put her emotions as a mother who lost a child first, even if it you find it a bit odd. Sounds normal to me though.

I’m a bit confused as to what the issue is. As long as you are following the safer sleeping advice which I’m sure you are and that her daughter died of SIDS and nothing that could potentially be genetic then I have to say I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. Your new baby is probably helping her deal with the grief of her own baby passing, if her daughter was alive then her making comparisons wouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. She’s probably never been able to compare her daughter to another baby so I’d just nod and smile and let her remember her daughter.

Yeah you’re being a big mean I think. It must have been tragic for her. Let her remember her DD. SIDS was a lot more common in I assume the 80s/90s as safe sleeping wasn't as practiced. SIDS is very very rare now so try to panic. Just make sure you’re very diligent with safe sleep practice and I’m sure everything will be fine.

Try not to panic*

Just to be clear, I have not been trying to stop MIL doing this, and have been saying things like, "That's lovely," (though not the cup of tea as sadly we can't see them in person at the moment because of lockdown!)

I know that what I need to change is my own irrational fear around this, not MIL! It's just I'm finding that hard to do.

I can understand why this would freak you out. It’s almost like it plants SIDS in your mind and it’s then hard to shake. I think I would try every time to lean in a bit to how uncomfortable that is In order to move past it and say a little phrase or prayer for your MIL and your baby silently. Like “God/universe help Betty with her memories of Sandra and protect Sarah from all harm“. Then release the feeling and let it go.

It sounds like you’re being kind not mean and expressing your disconcertion here is fine. Of course it must be a bit unsettling. How lovely though that she is able to talk about her little girl - my mother in her 90s with dementia has only just started talking about the baby she lost. It was discouraged then (1950s)

By the 80s we were beginning to learn about not sleeping our babies on their tummies following a campaign by Anne Diamond after she lost her son tragically. We were told to put them on their sides with a rolled up cloth nappy/ small blanket against their backs as they still believed back sleeping was dangerous.

I’m sure your baby will bring huge joy to your mother in law as well as of course, you and your dp. Try not to let her memories affect you but think of your baby as being a very special little enabler of her granny’s buried feelings - she can at last celebrate her daughter’s life through the happiness of having a granddaughter.

Your poor poor MIL, the death of a child is such an awful thing to live with. I think it’s giving her an opportunity to talk about something that most people don’t want her to talk about / find uncomfortable. No one wants her to recollect her dead baby as it makes them feel uncomfortable, but for her there is not in remembering, just like when you remember anyone that has passed.
Could you have a coffee with her and say ‘ I’ve noticed you mentioning ‘Sarah’ quite a few times. I can’t ever understand the grief you must have been through. But I’d love to know more about her. What kind of baby was she? What are you favourite memories of her?’ Invite you MIL into a safe space where she can share her memories. If she knows she can do this and not be judged (as sadly you are at the moment by making it about you) then She’s probably less likely to twin it to conversations about your child as she has space to speak about her own baby.

Put her emotions as a mother who lost a child first, even if it you find it a bit odd.

This. Every time this starts to upset you, please think of it in this way.

OP, you sound like a lovely kind person. Can you try to change your reactions to this kind of comment? It genuinely is possible to re-train our own thoughts and responses using CBT and mindfulness techniques. Every time MIL makes this sort of comment, focus on calming yourself and thinking a nice thought like "It's so lovely how much MIL loved her daughter and adores her granddaughter."

I feel for you both. It was an awful thing to happen to your MIL that she will never get over.
I think I understand why this is frightening you. It's as though MIL is seeing signs in your own baby that caused SIDS in her own.

It doesn't work like that. We know more about it now - enough to take some prevention measures - but it really is quite random and impossible to see any signs of it. That's what made it so terrifying.

When you've had a baby, you can be very sensitive to any perceived threat and sometimes it can get out of hand. I remember hiding from the postman in case he brought germs in that would be passed to DS

It might help to look up SIDS and reassure yourself of how rare it is. It is very hard for you both, though. Maybe encourage MIL to talk about her own baby when she says this, so the focus is not on yours.

My MIL has a baby daughter who died in the sixties, and it was handled as those things often were at the time which sounds barbaric to us now - she was taken away just after birth and sent to a specialist hospital miles away where her parents could not easily visit - they were certainly not expected to stay with her. And then she died a few weeks later and MIL had another baby 9 months later. She didn't mention it much at all to me until one of my DC was born with the same hair colour. She just wanted to talk about her baby, and we had some nice chats then.

I completely understand how you feel. No one wants to think about the risks of their baby dying, and that's what she's doing, is reminding you "my baby was just the same, then she died." It must be hard.
But everytime she looks at your baby she'll be reminded of her baby who died and that must be so hard for her. It's nice she feels able to share those thoughts. Try to see it as a nice thing that your daughter is bringing back happy memories of her daughter.

@NameChange0472 I am sorry that you are in this situation and I hear what you are saying. I can see that what your MIL is saying is terrifying for you. Even though we know SIDS is rare and we follow safe sleeping guidelines, we can still find our minds rushing to the worst case scenario and this is exhausting and stressful.

At 4 months post partum we are still vulnerable emotionally and our precious tiny ones can trigger all sorts of fears and anxieties. These are normal. Many of us find it very difficult to watch things on TV, read and stories and hear about other people's losses.

Your post already shows sympathy for your MIL and her feelings and you are looking for supoort for your own feelings.

Take care, know that your baby is her own person and that she is safe. Maybe some positive affirmations might help the cycle of negative thoughts.

When you know someone who has experienced SIDs and your own baby gets to the same age it can be terrifying. (My sister unfortunately passed away at 4 months). That age for both my boys was hard.

The Lullaby Trust are brilliant. If you flow their safe sleep advice you are doing everything you can.

My mum would often talk about my sister, but there are still things I've learned in recent years. I think as my eldest was the first grandchild it definitely caused more conversations about it. As a previous poster has said things have changed so much now. There is so much more awareness and information out there.

Try to be kind. X

Thinking about this rationally. the fact that your MIL reminisces about her baby who died so many years ago does not increase the risk of it happening to your daughter. You know this really, don't you?

My HV gave me a phrase to repeat to myself in my head in such circumstances - thoughts are not facts. Just keep reminding yourself of that - just because you have thought of the connection between your children in no way means that it is there.
It has helped me with many a rabbit hole actually

I totally understand and would feel the same.
But it’s not forever - your baby will get past the age that MIL lost her dear child and you will feel less anxious, I think. And you will have given MIL the incredible gift of being able to talk and remember her child.

That’s hard OP, I would find it difficult too. Obviously your MIL is just reminiscing but as a new mother myself who is anxious about SIDS I would also find that upsetting. It’s not rational, but most mothers aren’t wholly rational about child death and risk at 4 months PP.

Could your husband have a word? Suggest that she should reminisce freely about the baby but avoid all mentions of sleeping / SIDS? Hopefully if she’s nice she will understand.

YANBU, don’t say anything, but just change the subject or let DH respond.

I just wanted to add that I think you must have a wonderful relationship with your MIL that she feels able to share these memories with you and that's so lovely to read on MN. I hope you're finding some of the advice on here helpful & enjoy your precious DD

I don’t think you/your DH should say anything to your MIL. She’s probably really struggling as your baby gets towards the same age - fear of it happening again, memories triggered, maybe nightmares. I can’t think of much worse than finding your baby dead, and then discovering in later years that it was probably entirely avoidable if you’d only known not to put her down on her front. I think you should carry on with showing your MIL empathy and love, and I think as your baby gets older (past the dangerous age) it will pass. But please don’t tell a bereaved and traumatised woman not to talk about it because it upsets you.

@mainsfed

YANBU, don’t say anything, but just change the subject or let DH respond.

This is so wrong. Imagine talking about your dead child to your close family member and them changing the subject, how sad and dismissive.

Like previous posters have said OP, follow all the safe sleep advice and have a look on the lullaby trust website.