Feeling Hurt

[londonscalling]

I'd just like your advice please prior to coming out of lockdown as I can see this starting again ...

There are a large group of school mums who are friendly outside of school too. I'm probably on the periphery of the group but get invited to some things, but definitely not all. (I'm actually a school grandmother so sometimes I politely decline invitations as the activities aren't really for me).

When it's a mum's birthday I always receive a message asking for between £10 to £ 20 so we can buy them something from us all. This happens frequently and has been going on for a few years.

However, I've never received anything back and have been told "we didn't get you anything as we know you don't like a fuss".

I don't like a fuss but I find this hurtful and feel some flowers or chocolates would be gratefully received.

I think I may stop contributing. Am I being unreasonable?

Yeah, just ignore the requests.

I'd stop contributing, these things work both ways.

Thats very cheeky of them.
Ignore the requests for money. If asked say 'oh, I didn't think that happened anymore as I've never received anything.'

That's awful. I'd stop and if challenged say you thought it had stopped as they never got you anything.

They are just rude to blatantly ask you for contributions and make excuses for overlooking yours. Ignore in future, tell them you won't contribute as you don't like a fuss.

£10-£20 each?! That's loads.

YABU to consider contributing to these women's birthday gifts in the first place. Unless I was very close friends with them all I wouldn't give a penny. Just ignore the messages requesting money or better still ditch them and stick to your own friends.

@Lochmorlich

Thats very cheeky of them. Ignore the requests for money. If asked say 'oh, I didn't think that happened anymore as I've never received anything.'

I've often thought that, because I wouldn't like a fuss in the playground (probably because I'm so much older than the mums), they could leave some flowers on my doorstep or have some delivered. They know where I live!!

Thanks.

Just to clarify, I am friends with a few of the older mums and I'm a young grandma.

I don't want to paint a picture of me being a very elderly woman who they are taking advantage of.

Realistically, I'm a woman in my 40s who they are taking advantage of

Between £10 -£20 for someone you vaguely know from the playground?. That's crazy I would opt out of that straight away.

You are being taken for a mug.

Can't believe you are contributing so much! Knock it on the head pronto, they are taking the pee

Do you get the message sent to yourself or is it part of a group chat? Do you see what the birthday person gets? Is it always the same person who messages you to ask?

Just hoping they aren't taking your £20 and getting something from the group but no one else contributing.

I get a group message and everyone contributes. We are then told what they are buying and the birthday girl will then thank everyone!

I'm definitely not doing it anymore!!!!

Yep. Stop now!

Those women are mean! I could understand them genuinely forgetting, maybe, but what's this "don't like a fuss" rubbish? A bunch of flowers on your birthday is not a "fuss".

That’s so so rude!! I’d have to say something-
Thanks but I won’t be contributing anymore. I can’t tell exactly how this works but it seems to be we all contribute money and some people get birthday presents. Not my idea of a friendly set up.
I mean fuck them, there’s no question this is unacceptably rude in any circle of people anywhere

There's a weird dynamic in a lot of group chats, maybe you could say you're having a digital holiday or something and get out of the group? Also I wouldn't comment on the gift arrangements but would just say 'sorry I have decided to streamline my spending' or something.

Don't make it about them,just back away with a smile.

large group? - even if that's ten women, £200 from a group in the playground??? WTF?
Do the gifts sound in line with that?

Note really relevant - if they can't be arsed to reciprocate, ignore.
TBH - even if they did reciprocate, that's a ridiculous amount. ignore.
Or report them for demanding money with menaces/fraud. Cheeky CFs

Stop contributing! They could at least get flowers... though £200!!!

This is awful behaviour on their part. How many years has this been going for?

Cheeky fuckers, I would tell them to piss off with their donations. They are taking you for a ride and you are not properly in their group.

The gym I go to used to do something similar, due to covid it hasn't been happening recently. The women who attended were mainly highly paid professionals,a few well off stay at home mum's ie: wife of a private surgeon.
There was no set level of donations but it soon became noticable that expectations were high ie: messages would go out saying we know Chloe would love a Mulberry handbag. It's madness, these people whether in a gym or playground are only acqaintances really and in our case a bizarre race to the top ensued. Chloe's a great friend to me so I'll start with £200 sort of messages.
Just don't contribute any more, there's a strong hierarchy linked to these sort of collections.