TW: I know IABU but does anyone else feel like me?

[Zebrasandfairytales]

10 years ago I was raped in a foreign country, it was traumatic and I fled. It has been a huge secret in my life end only a few close friends and my husband know.

I have rebuilt. I am “successful”, happily married, living a “normal” life. I had counselling and talked through my immediate trauma, although I don’t believe it ever leaves.

Events in the media really trigger me sometimes. I have found this week so very tough. My thoughts are with Sarah and her family so acutely. I feel overwhelmingly sad for her and for them.

I know I am very likely being unreasonable, because everyone is in the thick of it at the moment really. But sometimes when I recall things I get a bit stuck in those memories and this mindset; I find it hard to see out again. I remember everything and it’s very painful.

Am I being unreasonable to think that one of my best friends or husband might have thought to ask if I’m OK this week? They are the only ones that know the extent of my previous trauma. No one asked. I’ve been in crisis under the surface for a few days and I’m feeling a bit better now. I know it’s too much to assume others could guess that really....

I just wondered if there were others like me.

Just wanted to say that if you’ve felt it I send a hand hold if you want one.

It’s been a hard week for lots of people.

Similar when all the stuff about DV came up this year. ( Though less traumatic for me, I think) Ya definitely nbu to feel that way. It stirs it up, opens up the wound etc.

Thank you @BlackeyedSusan

Yanbu op and I'm sorry you are having a tough time. My advice is to tell your husband and friends the effect this tragedy is having on you. I'm sure they will offer support and sometimes you just have to ask

Oh darling, yes I am you. I broke down earlier remembering the trauma. Reading so many comments on social media, saying women need to responsible for their own safety. I've spent all day blaming myself again for being so stupid. Absolutely devastated for Sarah, her family, and furious at the negativity they must inevitably read. Sad for me, sad for all women who have been through assault. I completely understand, it's a real trigger, and you are more than entitled to feel it full force. Barely anyone knows of my assault either. Have a handhold from me op. Sending love ❤️

People who have not undergone significant trauma will not understand as well as those who have experienced various traumatic events. Even after counseling, there will be a scar...

I hope you can manage to recover again.

You are really not alone. As above, people that have not experienced something similar to you will not understand how triggering it can all be. Massive virtual hug .

@Iamalmostthere so sorry you are feeling that way, especially that you feel at fault. You are not responsible for someone else's actions.

[quote BlackeyedSusan]@Iamalmostthere so sorry you are feeling that way, especially that you feel at fault. You are not responsible for someone else's actions.[/quote]
I really needed to hear this, thank you for your kindness

You’re not alone OP. Tell those closest to you how you’re feeling instead of trying to hold it altogether. Hugs

Thank you all of you for your comforting words. It helps to know there are others

Yanbu at all but do try to speak about it if you can. Sometimes people close to us worry that if they’re the ones to bring up something difficult they will upset you. Like many people are scared to mention a child who has died- as if the mother doesn’t think of them every day.
It may be coming from a place of fear and concern for you and not disregard.

I voted YABU (although I have been through similar) because I agree with a PP who said that people will take a lead from you and if you outwardly seem fine then they would not want to upset you by mentioning it. I assume you aren't seeing friends in person because of the lockdown so they can't pick up cues from you.

Maybe tell your DH how you are feeling and then he will be able to give you the support you need.

Please speak to your husband and friends. I'm sure they are more than happy to support you. I would. They don't see your trauma when they look at you, they see you, if that makes sense ! You are not being unreasonable feeling they way you feel

Hi OP, are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help you?

I’m proud of you for surviving this.

There is no shame in telling your husband how you’re feeling.

How awful for you OP . I haven't experienced that kind of trauma and I still sobbed when they found Sarah and have found it all so distressing. She disappeared not far from me and people in my local Facebook groups knew her and were posting increasingly more worried posts in the effort to find her. It is very distressing. I would like to think I'd have checked up on you. X

You need to open up to your friends and your husband. If they see you coping, they will probably not want to bring up something traumatic. This doesn’t mean that they don’t care or aren’t thinking of you, sometimes it’s just hard to know how best to support a person unless they tell you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If this is any consolation, my DP is the kindest, most supportive man and the best listener in the world. If a trigger for an issue from my past was to arise, he would be wary of upsetting me by bringing things up so whilst he probably wouldn’t proactively say anything, he would be ready to listen and comfort me. Maybe your DH is the same ?

Thanks all. Even just the act of writing this down last night was very cathartic. I agree with those of you who have suggested that others may be trying to protect me or may not want to bring something up unnecessarily. It helps to have that outside perspective as sometimes when you’re “in it” it’s hard to see a helicopter view.

I will talk to my husband and I feel reassured that I am not alone in having a strong reaction to this. It has just felt very heavy this week. Took me by surprise really and wondering whether it will ever feel “resolved”... I don’t suppose it will but it helps to talk. Write it down. Thank you for letting me have this hand hold everyone.

YANBU for how you feel - I'm with you on that and understand. YABU for expecting others to ask if you're ok. Tell them you need a hug/ support and they can respond. If you don't tell them don't resent them because they didn't put two and two together and realise you must be feeling bad. Everyone has things in their lives and the older you get, the more you experience. None of us can remember to ask our various friends, even if they're fairly close to us, every time an event comes up that might be triggering. OP - not easy for you.

Thanks @blobblob - I know that deep down. I guess I’ve just been in a bit of a weird place where I can only see my own perspective. I see it needs to be my responsibility to be clearer with people I love re how I am feeling. And of course will be easier once restrictions ease and I can see people face to face.