Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask for some advice as I have a bit of a pre-30 'what am I doing' wobble?

9 replies

Maria53 · 12/03/2021 22:25

I turn 30 this autumn. To be honest, I can't really believe my 20s are almost over, it went so fast. I lived in 2 foreign countries but spent most of that time working in Italy & was very happy with the culture (& climate!) there.

After 1 year in Italy, I came back to the UK. I tried to settle back in for 2 years but found I couldn't - and I went back to Italy again for another 2 years. My financial situation became dire when the company I'd worked for for years got into difficulty & stopped paying me. I was miserable and barely living above the breadline. My then partner of 2 years also cheated on me.

The experience broke me down & I came back to the UK. I got a decently paying job after 2 months. The economic situation in the UK is undoubtedly much better & offers a much better living. I also got some paid acting gigs for the first time just before lockdown, although the rest of the shows were cancelled. I had a date planned with someone I liked - not seen him since. Things were going quite well.

But now, here I am. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone or have children - it would be nice to share my life with someone someday, but I need to accept it is not at all a given. And I still don't feel totally comfortable back in the UK after 2 years. Almost like I don't completely 'fit'.

When I came back I bought a flat with my savings to put down roots & try to settle. But I seem unable to get rid of the 'itchy feet'. And after 2 years at the current job which overworks all of us & has a culture of fear, I want to move on. I find myself dreaming of going self employed, so I can split my time between the UK and longer trips to Italy where half of my friends are now. I just think - is this my life now? Just to work 40 hours a week, always tired and unhappy?

At the same time, that might defeat the purpose of trying to 'settle' somewhere or meet someone more permanent - and would I even make enough from it? I'm just not sure staying in one place all year round is going to suit me & I don't feel I can tell anyone how I really feel. My parents & friends here in the UK are so happy to think I've finally settled after my 'wild' 20s travelling. But on the inside, I keep thinking, this IS who I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/03/2021 22:28

I should also say I have made a few great friends since coming back, so it isn't all doom and gloom.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 12/03/2021 22:33

You sound totally normal to me.

In the UK as of 2018, the average age of a first-time mother was nearly 29. The average age to buy a home is 34. The average age for marriage is 35.

Maybe tell your parents to relax a lot bit.

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/03/2021 22:41

Do people think I should change my job, so I have more flexibility to work remotely sometimes? Even if it is just for a year or 2.

At the moment I'm working overtime almost every night & I no longer enjoy the work most of the time. But feel grateful to even have a job. I keep thinking, this is my life now, just working for someone else and taking respite holidays to Italy when I can - but it honestly feels like a miserable existence. I'm finding extremely sad about it.

OP posts:

Ohnomoreno · 12/03/2021 22:54

Aaah to be young! I know you think you're getting on at 30, but you're not. You should absolutely find a more flexible and ideally remote job. Just take care with tax situation as you can end up with problems if you split your time , and could therefore be taxed by both the UK and Italy. I'm no expert but my old employer told us we weren't allowed to be working outside the UK. You could just go and do random odd jobs though like translation, waitressing, acting, maybe some admin jobs that are short term. It won't pay well but that's always the downside of not being fixed. All I know is I really miss all the many countries I used to live in, and I came from a very very itchy footed set of parents. It was in the end bad for me, because I can't accept that my perfectly nice life in a nice house is all there is, and with three small children it would be insanely selfish of me to follow my dreams now. I think your heart is still set on Italy, but your head is not. I would simply start with a better job , as it might give you time to sort out your real feelings. You have plenty of time. I met my husband at 35, within a year we were married, bought a house and had a baby.

SarahAndQuack · 12/03/2021 23:01

Do you have the opportunity to change your job? If so, why not? There's nothing holding you down. If not, don't, but work to get into a position where you can - again, there's nothing holding you down.

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/03/2021 23:28

@Ohnomoreno

Thanks! You are absolutely right when you say my heart is in Italy but my head is not so sure. I met a woman with a well paying job, similar to me, shortly before I left Italy. She had no prospect of a pension at all but said she 'didn't care about that'. It was very common & I just thought....really?

I actually looked to see if there were any previous threads to mine on mumsnet. I found one where a woman was turning 30...and a poster replied saying she should remember she will never be as attractive to men again as her 20s! I don't look much different to how I did 5 years ago, but even if I did, I think it's comments like that that make people fear the big birthday.

The job I have now is good & the sort of job you could 'climb the ladder' in. Except I find myself not bothered about that, at least not at this moment. In some way, I worry that if I step off the ladder I might not back on again. But I find the work fairly soulless.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/03/2021 23:32

@SarahAndQuack

Changing the job right now, I'm cautious about because:

we are in a pandemic, a few of my friends have lost their jobs & I'm cautious we aren't out of the woods yet. I'd rather wait until I get the vaccine until things improve around summer/autumn time. I've seen a few jobs wanting people partially in the office & we're all still working remotely, which I prefer for now.

I think I'd feel sad if I left now without saying goodbye to any of my colleagues. When I first moved back here we did lots of social things together and I'm afraid to be even lonelier than I am now if I don't get the chance to reconnect with them before I go.

Even if I change jobs, it needs to be a certain kind of job doesn't it? Because that doesn't solve my problem of feeling unhappy stuck in one place.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 13/03/2021 00:53

Yanbu. Listen to your gut feeling. Life is short. Don't think about what you should do, just what you want so long as you're not hurting anyone.
I know you don't feel it but you're still very young.
Go for it OP!

Original poster

Maria53 · 13/03/2021 01:55

Well I own a property here now so my options aren't straight forward. Plus if we look at this honestly, I lived in Italy twice based on 'gut instinct' but it didn't truly work out. I should mention - I got so exhausted of moving around all the time.

In the UK, I have a much better standard of living which has brought its own happiness. But it is also true that I am no longer in my favourite city and miss the culture/feeling of home.

I suppose I am looking for advice/help exploring what my options might be in the short term. How can I choose something that allows me to stay in the UK as my base for now, while earning & enjoying some flexibility...while allowing me to spend more time abroad?

Or is that like asking for a unicorn

OP posts:

Flip