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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I send Mother's Day card?

29 replies

mumof5cn · 12/03/2021 22:20

So long story short, my mother in her words 'wiped her hands' of me mid January - this was in a Facebook message to my good friend who my mother asked her to pass the message on to me. I don't really want to go into the details of the ins and outs but it is extreme but I've took it.

It was her birthday end of January, so I posted her a Nan birthday card from my children - I didn't know if what she had said included my children, so I thought I'd send it. Anyway, I'm assuming she didn't include the kids in what she said, as 2 of my children's birthdays were beginning of February and she left a card, present and homemade birthday cake for them both on my doorstep.

I have had no contact with her since she sent the message to my friend and I sent a civil text that same evening responding civilly to her.

I'm battling now with Mother's Day fast approaching - do I send a card or not? If I do send one, it's not with any agenda or expectations (the damage is done as far as I'm concerned, I can never get over this) - it's just to acknowledge the day, she's still my mother at the end of the day.

Please share your thoughts but please be kind x

OP posts:

Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 22:24

Erm no why would you

Notaroadrunner · 12/03/2021 22:24

I wouldn't send one. She's washed her hands of you. I wouldn't even be encouraging a relationship with my kids by sending cards from them for any occasion either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2021 22:25

Don’t acknowledge it.

ShoppingBasket · 12/03/2021 22:25

Put simply, nope.

Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 22:27

To add me and my sister are NC and she sends my children Christmas and birthday stuff they all go in the bin, I really wish she wouldn’t, if you are NC With someone then don’t send them things.

Iloveacurry · 12/03/2021 22:28

No.

NovemberR · 12/03/2021 22:29

No. I wouldn't. I'm NC with my sister and she sent a present I didn't want for my birthday. Why would I when we don't speak?

Returnoftheowl · 12/03/2021 22:30

I wouldn't... I'm sure she won't be expecting one in the circumstances either.

Original poster

mumof5cn · 12/03/2021 22:32

You all are telling me what I thought but I didn't know if I was being unreasonable, thank you for your replies.

She bothered with my children, so I think it maybe the right thing sending her a birthday/xmas card - at least until my kids can make up their own minds?

OP posts:

Kico99 · 12/03/2021 22:33

What does your instincts tell you? If you are questioning it so much it may indicate an unnatural feeling and feels forced. Plus it's a commercial holiday so it would be different if it was her birthday and you were questioning it, that is understandable as it's a difficult position you are in, sorry to hear this. Hope you are ok

Usagi12 · 12/03/2021 22:33

I wouldn't if I were you, whatever the reason she's made her feelings clear. I'm sorry x

Original poster

mumof5cn · 12/03/2021 22:35

@Givemeabreak88

Erm no why would you

I don't know, maybe out of respect?

OP posts:

bananaboats · 12/03/2021 22:51

No I wouldn't be sending her anything or accepting anything in the future.

littlepattilou · 12/03/2021 22:53

Definitely do NOT send a card.

Sorry for how you have been treated.

OppsUpsSide · 12/03/2021 22:55

I don't know, maybe out of respect?

The respectful thing to do if someone requests no contact, is not to contact them. Equally if they are a bit of a manipulative emotion leech and are just saying it to hurt, the best thing is not to contact them.

Original poster

mumof5cn · 12/03/2021 23:02

@OppsUpsSide

I don't know, maybe out of respect?

Sorry, I hope what I said wasn't read out of context, I wasn't being funny, I genuinely mean - isn't that a respectful thing to do? The way I see it is, she's created the damage and I will never be able to forgive or forget what she's said, but, she is still the woman that bought me up and raised me - to me I kind of think it is respectful to at least acknowledge that - even if I can't see a way forward? I don't know, I have confused emotions.

OP posts:

justforthis7 · 13/03/2021 00:14

I don’t think there’s a right answer here OP. If you want to send a card, then do. There’s nothing wrong with doing so. There are levels of contact ranging from full to NC. If you choose to send cards, that puts you in some kind of LC. But do what you WANT to do not what you think you SHOULD do or what your mum might want you to do.

Lesssaideasymended · 13/03/2021 01:19

Personally I would but only you know OP

Tinkerbell456 · 13/03/2021 02:45

I definitely wouldn’t. She ain’t mother of the year. I think it’s good of you to accept the kids’ birthday bits and maybe send a thank you from them, but as for you, nope.

StressedTired · 13/03/2021 03:05

It's impossible to advise or judge with no back story or context. So my only advice is make the decision based on what you want to do and not what you think is right or respectful. If you want to send a card to acknowledge her existence as your mother then send it and perhaps write something in the card to reflect your reasons for sending. If you don't want to but feel an obligation or duty, let it go.

Vallmo47 · 13/03/2021 03:16

I’m sorry for this sad situation.

If you’d LIKE to send a card, maybe send one saying “Thank you for my childhood memories”.

It’s really, really up to you and I can understand whichever option you choose.

Mally2020 · 13/03/2021 03:34

question is why has she washed her hands of you what did you apparently do

partyatthepalace · 13/03/2021 04:12

You are entitled to do what you want, but generally speaking if someone has asked for no contact it is right to respect that. I imagine this is a very hard and hurtful situation for you, but I suspect may be easier to manage if you accept her wishes and get on with building your life elsewhere.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2021 05:05

Mothering Sunday is traditionally a day to celebrate and recognise all your mother did and does for you. As it’s annual, it sort of stands to reason (to me) that it reflects your appreciation in the last year as much as being about ‘raising you’. It’s an ongoing relationship thing, not a historical fact thing, IYSWIM?

Personally I think I probably wouldn’t send anything. I can’t imagine being cut off by my mum but if I had been I can’t imagine I’d want to send effectively a ‘thank you’ card to her - it’s such a hurtful prospect and I’m sorry this has happened to you. But if you are thinking of it as an olive branch situation and you still would like to repair the relationship in the future, I can see why, on this first Mother’s Day, it would be appropriate to do so. But only if you want to resume a relationship in future.

en0la · 13/03/2021 05:16

@Givemeabreak88

To add me and my sister are NC and she sends my children Christmas and birthday stuff they all go in the bin, I really wish she wouldn’t, if you are NC With someone then don’t send them things.

That's horrible, you'd deprive your children of stuff just to prove a point ? That's really petty. If you absolutely won't let your children have them then at least donate them to charity rather than adding yet more stuff to landfill.

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