To get pissed off at the use of "we" when they mean "you"

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

"Could we order 30 towels for the new rooms?"

"Did we manage to get the list of suppliers up to date?"

I am doing both of those tasks. So why not "did you...."?

Enrages me! And now I know certain people do it, I hear it in my head when an email pops in from them

Can we
Did we
Should we

You mean you

My boss is the worst for this and I don’t work in a corporate environment, I’m a nanny. She says ‘we’ when she should mean ‘her’.

Like ‘did ‘we’ decide if Sebastian should do karate on Saturday?’ Did we decide if we need to get new school shoes?’

Most recently

‘Did we decide whether I can let you have the 21st as holiday?’

She means I. But it’s just a way to deflect to the fact that she mostly wafts about not doing much

Oh my DH used to be the worst for this! Example: "Did we add orange juice to the shopping this week?" I ask him if he has done it, he hasn't, so what he was actually asking is if I had added it to the shopping list. He got it after a couple of times but bloody hell...

Cowardly not to be able to ask or call out someone direct.

One is not amused!

I am the only person in the small organisation who does X Y Z tasks. So when someone asks me to do one of these which I am employed and paid to do, why cant they just ask me to do it?!

Frustrating.

My boss does this too and it drives me potty...

It feels like a passive aggressive way of getting me to so things 🤬🤬

Haha, I quite frequently say to my students, "After this we're going to write an answer to the question. And by 'we' I mean 'you'." They don't think it's funny, but I do

Not sure you can do it at work 😁 but when my husband says that we stuff, I ask "which one of us is we?"

In a similar vein, 'could you help me with' when what you actually mean is 'will do you this for me'. My old boss did this all the time...

The worst is 'we' are pregnant. When said by a heterosexual couples or gay men referring to a surrogate.
The only case where this can be legitimately said is by a lesbian couple who are both pregnant!

Oops I think I do this at work. Will watch out for it and see if is something I do regularly. I have a feeling I might. But I do lead a number of teams so I think I do it in that context, but yes I normally mean someone else has to do it not me.

@Dahlietta

Haha, I quite frequently say to my students, "After this we're going to write an answer to the question. And by 'we' I mean 'you'." They don't think it's funny, but I do

they dont appreciate your humour, i think its funny!

If it is at work perhaps the phrasing is being used to sound a bit less micromanging/gentler than "have you got that list of suppliers up to date yet".

I do this and I hate myself for it every time I hear myself do it.
Must try harder.

@MysweetAudrina

Oops I think I do this at work. Will watch out for it and see if is something I do regularly. I have a feeling I might. But I do lead a number of teams so I think I do it in that context, but yes I normally mean someone else has to do it not me.

When it's something the team must work towards together, fine. Eg

"We really need to get a handle on these outstanding accounts. Jane can you chase companies A-M, John, you chase everything N onwards. We can look in a weeks time and see how it stands"

My piano teacher says this as in, ‘we played a C rather than an E’. She mostly teaches children so I guess it’s a gentle approach but it does make my teeth itch a bit. I’m quite willing to own my shit playing.

Yeah my boss does this followed by a tinkly laugh. Beyond.

DP does this and it drives me NUTS.

most recently 'we should get a big chopping board to protect the work surface' ....well get one then! what he really means is he wants me to think about it and get one. Its always silly minor things he could do himself

In certain contexts I think it can reflect some kind of desire by the speaker or dynamic to totally deflect personal responsibility where on a reasonable interpretation of the situation they SHOULD be bearing some of the responsibility.

To an employee subordinate it kind of re inforces a level of responsibility on that employee which at the very least you would (hope / expect) want the remuneration to reflect that responsibility.
In other words a sentence like "Did we decide whether Freddie goes to XYZ on Saturday" is the kind of thing one spouse might say to the other (i.e. a discussion of equals where both are emotionally invested in the decision).

In very unusual situations (for example where the pay is exceptional and it is a trusted and not resented dynamic) it could be flattering.
But from what you say it sounds like the speaker is using a technic to abdicate responsibility possibly to the detriment of the person to whom it is said.

Massive pet peeve of mine. I can't stand people saying, "we should do x", when they have no intention of doing it and are just waiting for you to do it. If they want to delegate the task then they should own it and actually say what they mean. Except they won't because then they'd have to admit how little they actually do themselves, easier to say "we" then sit back and congratulate themselves on a job well done.

Had one recently, "hi Bernie, can we order 1000 branded pens?"

So tempted to say "it's really a You or Me situation. If we do it, we will end up with 2000 pens"

I think it's probably in some wankspeak management thing to make you feel part of a team.

No i in team
No f in way

I use 'we' when I'm talking to my five year old because it tricks her into thinking I mean 'us' as in a joint effort when I actually mean her.

"Have we picked up our toys yet?"

"No Mummy, I'll do it now"

But she has PDA and phrasing is everything with her.

To say it to someone who is not a small child is downright patronising and if someone said it to me they'd get short shrift!

My ex husband used to do this all the time, drove me nuts and he hated being called out on it.
I don't think he wanted a wife, he just wanted to be the one giving orders/making demands like he did at work without actually having to do any of it. Note he's EX.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

The worst is 'we' are pregnant. When said by a heterosexual couples or gay men referring to a surrogate. The only case where this can be legitimately said is by a lesbian couple who are both pregnant!

I don't mind the other examples too much but this one really pisses me off. When you are actually going through the physical and hormonal changes and difficulties of growing a small human for 9 months, along with taking the risks of permanent often distressing changes to the way your body looks and functions , you can start saying you are pregnant. If not, you can fuck off quite frankly.

I see the "can we order x" request a bit differently.

It's the company ordering and paying hence the we, you are just being asked to order on the company's behalf. Do we in that context makes sense to me. "You" also works of course.