Is your partner friends with his ex?

[positivenewbeginnings]

I'm really not coping at the moment. I have a wonderful partner. We've both said it's the best relationship we've ever been in, and we're both committed to spending the rest of our lives together.

We've both got ex's and children in the mix, and he is really great friends with his most recent ex and mother of his child.

It mostly hasn't required a response from me too much as I had no doubts about us. Although I hated her guts despite never meeting her.

Now I've realised how much they're in touch and see each other I feel physically sick.

The thing is they like each other, they have a laugh together and there's not specifically anything that's the matter.

I also see my ex almost every day because of general children issues, and we tend to have a bit of a laugh too. So I'd hear alarm bells if my partner ever had any issue with any of that.

Basically due to a change in routine they're spending every day together now- totally unnecessarily in my mind. But I can't exactly wade in and say I don't like it can I?

I don't think they'll get back together as such, I just hate how much they like each other and it makes me feel physically sick.

Does anyone else have experience of this?

It's hard to be sure whether his behaviour is inappropriate from the info you've given. However, the fact that you hated her guts before you even met her makes me think that the problem is likely to lie with you. That level of jealousy is not healthy or normal. Would you consider counselling to talk about this with someone?

I mean they have children together would you rather he slagged her off and ignored her making things worse for the child?

You hated her before you met her. That’s on you.

Such a double standard as well to expect to be able to see your ex everyday due to children and and expect that he won’t see his even though they also have children together.

If you was your dp posting I’d be telling him to leave. Your far to insecure for this relationship to work.

You can very definitely tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Have a conversation and find a compromise.

Why did you hate her guts?

Yes I was thinking I should say something about it. It's a convoluted story but basically he's started working from home at her house rather than in his office. Presumably because he'll be more comfortable there, he likes her, and he might also get a chance to see his daughter.

My ex worked from my house for a few days in the summer when the internet was down (it was horrific and reminded me why we divorced) but I don't think I even mentioned it to my partner as it didn't seem a big deal.

But now it's the other way round I can't handle it. It's making me feel really bad. I don't want to tell him what to do, so I don't really know what to say except it's making me feel really uncomfortable.

no not "friends" here.. contact is minimal and via text only for drop off / collection arrangements. neither of us would be comfortable with anything else

If it's making you feel that bad it probably isn't the right relationship for you. It's better for the children if they get on well so you can't really try and stop them. So things are probably not going to change. Can you live with it ongoing?

For what it's worth although I'm friends with exes and am fairly easy going, I would find that level of contact hard to deal with as well.

@Sillysandy I don't know, it was just the hairs on the back of my neck pricked up almost at the first mention of her.

But for some reason he didn't tell me her name for ages and I felt really strange about that too.

It's a convoluted story but basically he's started working from home at her house rather than in his office

Hmm. Why doesn't he work from your house instead? It sounds like he wants to get back together with her

@SnackSizeRaisin we live really far away, so it's more convenient. There's no reason he can't work in his office though- except that he doesn't want to.

I need to pick my battles. I don't want to force him to do anything, but I think I need to set out what I'm feeling

So you can meet your ex daily, have a good relationship with them - but your OH can't......

Thank god they don't have children toget...... Oh wait.

@positivenewbeginnings

Yes I was thinking I should say something about it. It's a convoluted story but basically he's started working from home at her house rather than in his office. Presumably because he'll be more comfortable there, he likes her, and he might also get a chance to see his daughter.

My ex worked from my house for a few days in the summer when the internet was down (it was horrific and reminded me why we divorced) but I don't think I even mentioned it to my partner as it didn't seem a big deal.

But now it's the other way round I can't handle it. It's making me feel really bad. I don't want to tell him what to do, so I don't really know what to say except it's making me feel really uncomfortable.

So....he basically would prefer to live with his ex? He feels more comfortable at her house, likes having her there with him...and the child is an additional bonus not the main reason for working there?

Its hard to say as we really dont have all the information, but it does sound like she's his partner and not you (I feel horrible saying that though and to be fair I really dont know your situation...its just the way youve explained it sounds like he is her partner)

I am v confused.

So you and your ex get on well and he worked from yours for a short period?

Your new fella is the same with his ex but you don't like it.

How would you feel if your exes new partner kicked off at him and you? Because to an outsider, it all looks the same.

Tbf, I wouldn't like it, but, nor would my ex be playing besties with me either. Bit hypocritical.

You sound hugely insecure and I’m sorry, more than a little hypocritical. But you know that, already.

My DH and his old ex go for a curry every few months. She's lovely. Fine with me, I've never been fussed. She's in a writing group with MIL.

[quote positivenewbeginnings]@Sillysandy I don't know, it was just the hairs on the back of my neck pricked up almost at the first mention of her.

But for some reason he didn't tell me her name for ages and I felt really strange about that too.[/quote]
Ok so there are two obvious explanations to that reaction

1. Somethign about his body language or general demeanour set your spidey senses off when he mentioned her. These are your instincts and they are to be trusted.

2. The mere mention of an ex played on all your jealous insecurities. This is paranoia and must not be fed.

Really only you can tell which one it is. Do you usually feel jealous? Do you feel secure in the relationship and like you're his number one? Or do you feel like you are on the sideline of their arrangement?

I was set to say yanbu but they have a child. It’s nice they get on so well. You get on with your ex and have let him work from your house? I think you’re having a double standard. Has he given you reasons not to trust him?

I’d be more worried about a partner who didn’t get on work their children’s mother.

On with

i dont get the whole the in laws have to stop speaking to the EX. I was with my husband for 20 years - I made friends with his cousins , aunts uncles- we all had a great relationship external of him.

When he left for OW - they all made it absolutely clear to me, that he could be with who ever he wanted an they would be the same with her as me. However, the new couple did not get to dictate who they were friends with and who they could invite to their family shindigs etc. I was their friend and mother of the DGCs, cousins etc and our friendship was separate and different to the new relationship.

I am so grateful for them taking this view and making me still feel part of a family - as both my parents died witin 2 years of split and ife was very lonely and hard. They were my family.

I know new woman hated it but they have all stuck by this and 10 years later we are all still friends and the new DP is now the Ex DP!

I wouldn’t feel happy with the working from hers either. Your ex worked at yours for a very limited time and for a specific reason. You’ve said your partner could work from his office, yet is choosing to do this. That would ring alarm bells for me personally.

I have zero relationship with the children's father. Other than text to inform pick up and drop off times. There have been times in the past when I have been friendly and this has been taken advantage of. So the situation is as it is.

My current BF has a really good a positive relationship with his ex. It is early days for us. And I have no intentions of getting involved with the situation. I think it speaks volumes that they can communication freely and share birthdays etc with their DC.

I'm not so sure I would be comfortable if he was there everyday working from they house though.

I would not be able to be a man who didn't do everything in his power to easily co parent with an ex, it's best for the child and that's what really matters.
To hate her before you met her seems very childish and jealous.

I don't really understand why he is working out of her house though?

Look you either trust him or you don't, only you can decide that,

How long have you been together?

It sounds like it's newish and you sound a little OTT with you feelings towards her - it's double standards really - you get on with your ex - and he worked at your house - but you freak out that he's doing the same?