Anyone else think this is weird behaviour?

[NFN40]

So my MIL is a bit of a control freak and over bearing and shows no boundaries or respect...and always triggers my DD

Please someone tell me I am not the only one to have outlaws??? going insane... sorry if this sounds like a rant, who knows ...but I am finding the behaviour of my MIL towards my 5y autistic DD strange, and quite frankly a bit too weird...

So my MIL is always saying to my DD I love you I do, you are Nanny’s girl etc... (learnt to ignore that one) how much does my girl love me, I love you this much blah blah blah it’s pretty much a daily occurrence... and guess it’s MIL just wanting to hear it back or being needy?...
And MIL is always the one that will trigger DD into meltdown due to her controlling ways and lack of hearing

anyway, today DD comes out with I love you as much as I love my mummy (that ain’t possible but glad she loves her Nanny - no prob with that ) MIL reaction however.. all smug and glee saying I knew this was coming... I knew she’s been wanting to say this to me, I knew wow... just wow she loves me as much as mummy she loves me as much as you... then comes out with not that I am trying to take anything away from you as her mummy... I feel like this is lack of respect and hurtful

Anyway, Cant actually believe those words left her mouth

I’m I in the wrong to think this, someone help me with this

Thanks

Vote yes for I have a MIL that could take a lead role in the hand that rocks the cradle

Vote no for take a deep breath it’s all good

She sounds like hard work. What's the reason behind you having contact with her daily? She sounds likes shes manipulating your five year old.

I'd be creating distance.

Support bubble

DD is autistic and need the help during the day

A support bubble with someone you describe as having no boundaries, being over bearing, controlling, weird, disrespectful... Manipulating your child.

Why?

You need some boundaries yourself.

Is your 5yo non-verbal/ few words?

Is MiL just excited to have got her to say something?

is suspect you have a few other reasons for not liking your mil.
because honestly this is not ott for grand parent behavior unless you're really insecure.

You're being so mean about your child's relationship with her gran.

Get over yourself

because honestly this is not ott for grand parent
It really is.

I am very close to my mum. She would never do this. She would never manipulate my children in this way. Why are people so naive? She's trying to control your vulnerable 5 year old. I would be massively limiting contact.

Really couldn't get worked up about this unless there is some massive back story.
Be glad she is helping you and supporting you and your daughter. Sounds like an excited (and bit ott) grandparent. My own dm has overstepped sometimes but it comes from a place of love, not nastiness. Context of the relationship is everything here.

You both sound like hard work tbh

Honestly she sounds annoying and rather needy.
But she doesn't sound unusual apart from the last comment.
It sounds are though you are both in competition for your dd's affection.

It might be easier to take a step back and help her feel more secure with her DGD.
"Obviously she loves you loads mil, you are a fantastic gran to her"
Etc, etc. don't give her anything to compete against.

She sounds needy, insecure, competitive, self-focused and pretty irritating. None of these things make her pleasant to be around all the time but they don’t make her some awful manipulative demon, either (and no, it doesn’t mean she’s “a narc” or whatever the armchair psychologists will be in soon to say). She wants her grandchild to tell her that she loves her. She probably envisioned a very particular grandma-granddaughter relationship and is struggling that real children don’t always work the way you want them. She’s going about trying to be the best grandma ever in entirely the wrong way.

Have you and DH properly spoken with her about DD’s autism, what it means and what triggers distress, and firmly told her that she needs to change the behaviour because it upsets DD? Tried to reinforce more positive interactions which don’t upset DD? That when you ask her not to do something it’s not because you’re trying to stop her loving DD etc.

Love isn't a contest! Your MIL loves your daughter and is verbal with it. Be thankful!

As a grandmother, I have a friend that is a bit over the top with baby talk, hugs and kisses with her toddler little ones, but that is her way of showing affection. The little ones love her, so it's all good!

Hahaha I might have a word with myself!

Thank you all for taking the time to reply
Thank you for your views and advice

It is totally OTT. My MIL and mother have both offered us a huge amount of support with our baby and they could not love or cherish him more, but they would never try to claim my place in his life like that. It’s very inappropriate.

Your MIL manipulates the statement out of her and you feel hurt and disrespected that she's smug about it.

Your poor daughter; responsible for ensuring that two adults in her life feel loved enough by her.

The only thing that matters is for your daughter to feel loved by both of you.

To be honest you both sound a bit unreasonable, she for making love into a competition ("she loves me as much as you) and you for being a bit jealous (in the old-fashioned sense, not as in envious) of DD. Why have you had to "learn to ignore" MIL calling DD Nanny's Girl? That's a very normal thing for any grandmother to say.

If you rely on MIL for support I'm not sure there's much you can do but suck it up. You'll look very precious, not to mention ungrateful, if you ask her not to say these things.

MIL sounds a little bit OTT and needy but honestly this doesn't sounds all that unusual for a grandparent. The "love you" baby talk can get a bit daft at times.

BUT stop turning it into a contest with your DD in the middle. If you need daily contact with her for support reasons then learn to roll your eyes and ignore her gushing a bit. Otherwise you and DD are going to end up massively stressed out.

Bin her off @NFN40. It is rude, over the top and plain mean to your kid. Direct her to some literature regarding the issues that impact your child (meltdown you mentioned) and tell her to come back when she's with the program.

I have autistic children and in laws like this too! At her comment I would be so tempted to tell her that you're so glad they love each other that much and in that case she can help take over all the parts of autism parenting that are not so glamorous (nappies, waking 1000 times a night, meltdowns, medical/educational appointments etc). Probably best to take the high road and just say "that's nice" though.

sounds a bit like my mum, shes just lonely and wants a hug now and again (who doesnt) shes lost a lot of her family that died so the grandkids are her main focus now..

let her enjoy them, she wont be here forever.

She sounds like she has self esteem issues. She’s being ridiculous if she thinks your dd would ever love her in the same way that she loves her mummy.

She sounds quite manipulative and controlling. I’d maybe reduce access to dd if you can...