DH and Mother’s Day

6 replies

Imaganu · 11/03/2021 22:43

Hi all, hoping for some advice.
DH (32) fell out with his mum at Christmas. It was a long time coming. She is a typical narcissist and DH has felt very upset/confused/unloved throughout his life and has always expressed that he feels like he’s treated differently to his sister who is the “princess” “talented one” etc. I didn’t really think much of it to begin with, then did notice it. He gets left out of his family events, they give one thing to his sister, telling him they’ll do the same for him then just not doing it etc.

After therapy, confronting some childhood trauma, DH became a bit more headstrong. One final terrible act from his mum meant he decided to go low contact (after reading the Stately Homes thread on here after my advice - he doesn’t have an account)

The issue is that his mum hasn’t tried talking to him either. They had a disagreement (he wasn’t invited to Christmas and then lied they had all met together - no restrictions at the time for us all) and neither have spoken since. DH had his birthday, received a card, got a Happy Birthday text. 3 months ago that was.

Now Mother’s Day. DH seems to struggle with what “low contact” is or what the best thing to do is so has asked me to ask you.

He’s sent a card. Does he say anything on the day or ignore it?

YABU - send her a text
YANBU - you’ve done enough, leave it.

Thanks x

OP posts:

Returnoftheowl · 11/03/2021 22:51

I think a card is sufficient for low contact.

WaltzesWithSnobs · 11/03/2021 22:58

If he feels card is enough then card is enough. I would think so too. If he felt like a card was too much he could have not sent one (too late now obviously) but it could be that he feels he has to send one, rather than he wanted to send one. So I would say to him before the next occasion eg her birthday, arises that it would be okay to not send a card, if that's how he feels.

Thelnebriati · 11/03/2021 23:13

Have you heard of Fear, Obligation and Guilt? Its how narcs control and abuse people, and celebrations are a perfect time to exert control. using the Obligation and Guilt stage of the cycle.

Your DH feels obliged to do something to mark the day. He'll feel guilty if he doesn't. Then he lives in fear of the consequenses of his actions.
So for a quiet life he thinks he needs to send a card and a text. and that wont be enough, on the day he'll be feeling worried and maybe he should phone her and get it over with.

His mother did a terrible thing and a normal adult would apologise. Its not your DH's responsibility to fix this and he shouldn't feel the need to run around after her.

Original poster

Imaganu · 12/03/2021 09:56

@Thelnebriati

Have you heard of Fear, Obligation and Guilt? Its how narcs control and abuse people, and celebrations are a perfect time to exert control. using the Obligation and Guilt stage of the cycle.

His mother did a terrible thing and a normal adult would apologise. Its not your DH's responsibility to fix this and he shouldn't feel the need to run around after her.

thank you for the advice. I will read

OP posts:

tentimesaday · 12/03/2021 10:05

@Thelnebriati

Have you heard of Fear, Obligation and Guilt? Its how narcs control and abuse people, and celebrations are a perfect time to exert control. using the Obligation and Guilt stage of the cycle.

His mother did a terrible thing and a normal adult would apologise. Its not your DH's responsibility to fix this and he shouldn't feel the need to run around after her.

This makes sense, but is not the case for me. I have a relative with whom I've had to go low contact. I find that doing the 'correct' thing makes me feel free, no guilt. So eg I'd send the Mother's Day card, or Xmas card or whatever, and then just forget about it, knowing I've behaved 'correctly' - by correct I mean in a civilised fashion.

Your husband's sent the card - that is the 'correct' thing to do on Mother's Day. So now just forget about it!

Bee0808 · 12/03/2021 10:10

Read toxic parents by Susan foreward

Flip