Educating other people’s children on ASD

[Opal93]

I have a six year old son with ASD. I see it as my job to advocate for him and educate as much as I can. However, I have had mixed reactions to me doing this to others children. Some friends and family members have explained to their kids what autism is and that he has it and these children are good at understanding him. But others, don’t want to tell their children he has autism and get annoyed at me for telling them. For example, my cousins child kept asking “why won’t M play with me, why does M do XYZ” and I explained he has a condition called autism which sometimes means he likes time alone, but don’t worry, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you! And his mum gets annoyed and says “ I haven’t talked to him about autism yet” so am I over stepping by myself xplaining it to kids when asked? I’ve also been told by parents “X hasn’t got a clue he has autism!” Sort of pre warning me not to tell them. What is the etiquette for educating other kids on my sons condition? Is it their parents job, or am I BU to feel it’s my job to speak up for him?

The more normalised it is the better, surely? It's nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. I'd be hurt if 'friends' told me not to mention it.

The child asked you a direct question and you gave them a simple, age appropriate answer.

Anything else would’ve been wrong imho! The mum sounds a bit odd tbh.

There are two children with autism in my kids class, y6, a girl in a wheelchair in y5, and there is one boy in y1 with severe autism. They have been educated all the way through school about different children having different needs and it is so important. None of them bat an eyelid when x comes up and has to have a giant cuddle, or why x has to go off with her TA to the different bathroom. They are all so caring it's lovely. I hope they don't lose it when the go to secondary.

I don't think it should have to be your job in a school setting, but it is absolutely the other parents job not yours, assuming they know.

I would be very happy for you to educate my children about autism. I try to myself as their cousin has autism and am not sure I do it justice.

YANBU My DS has an autism awareness t-shirt that he proudly wears to school.

Our SENCo at school; with the child and parents permission, educates the kids in a class with someone with severe autism.

Well, what else could you have said to the child? You gave an age appropriate explanation.

My son has autism and once asked a lady with a cute little baby who had down syndrome, why the baby had glasses on (the kind that go around the back of the head). I died inside at him asking her but she was lovely about it. He has glasses himself! Made me think though maybe these people don't want to embarrass him or you? Or have 1 view of what an autistic person is like? Strange one OP.

Thats an odd reaction to you explaining why your son cant play.

You're answering questions in an age appropriate way when you are asked them. That's not pushy or overstepping in my book. My dd has a boy with severe autism in her class and I would be absolutely fine if his parents or a teacher explained things to her in this way. I see no issue with it at all. I think the other mum in this is being a bit strange and I'd be annoyed with her. What did she expect you to say when her child asked?

I think you're right to tell children that he has autism if it comes up, it's good for them to understand it and would save autistics a world of trouble if people actually understood us. Be careful not to just be excusing behaviour though. You don't want to teach kids that autistic people just have all these negative traits that they can't challenge. It can actually have a negative effect, because people come to expect poor behaviour from autistics which either holds autistics back because they don't learn to challenge their own behaviour, or people expect that behaviour from autistics who don't express it. Like if you arrange to meet another family, its rude not to socialise, I know that, despite being autistic, and I've had to learn to be polite and socialise with people when I'd rather not, because it's rude to ignore people. Even if I didn't choose to socialise with them in the first place.

Don't know if I explained that well, talking about autism is good, excusing autism is bad. In my opinion, as a singular autistic person, but I know some people disagree with my stance that autistics need to adapt to neurotypicals aswell as neurotypicals adapting to us.

It's not up to another child's parents as to whether you (on behalf of your child) tells them he has autism. The only person who has an opinion in this matter is your child (and you on his behalf).

They are fostering an incredibly abelist attitude. Would you not explain to a child that the reason their friend isn't answering is because he is hard of hearing? It's the same thing.

You’re doing the right thing imo. Your cousin’s child wanted an explanation understandably, which you gave in a totally appropriate way. I’m genuinely wtf at parents who shy away from this stuff.

My own son has ASD and ADHD and I will happily explain stuff when people enquire, always have. It’s not a great big dirty secret! Likewise my child attends a school where a lot of the children have visible disabilities and I explain to the best of my knowledge why one child might be in a wheelchair/use a walking frame/etc. It’s so important to have these conversations with our children about differences people have and I’m wary of parents who don’t think that tbh.

YANBU at all. I would have been very grateful for you explaining this to my dd when she was little.

My dd's first introduction to the idea of autism came from her best friend when they were both 4. Said best friend had an older sister who had ASD. There was a little boy in their class, x, who later turned out to be on the spectrum as well. Before I was even aware of this, DD's best friend confidently explained to DD that x was a bit different from the other children because he had "a syndrome" and his brain worked in a slightly different way. DD happily accepted this explanation and made allowances for x accordingly.

As they went through primary school, the school did various things to educate the other children about x's autism, including simulations of what it might feel like to learn in a really overstimulating environment, talks about autism from a specialist charity and indeed, opportunities for x himself to explain how he experienced school and some of the challenges that he faced. The other children were incredibly accepting and supportive of x, and eager to make adjustments that would help him. What really bowled me over, though, was when they had their induction talks at secondary school, and x raised his hand so confidently to ask what support would be in place for him as a student with autism. He was comfortable with his differences and confident about asking for support. When a couple of kids from other primary schools began to make fun of him in year 7, even the "cool" kids from dd's primary school quickly told them in no uncertain terms that it wasn't on. And dd and some of her friends eagerly volunteered to help x when he wanted to fundraise in school for an autism charity.

I look back at kids from my own school days who were almost certainly on the spectrum, and think about how incredibly difficult their experiences must have been in comparison, because nobody helped us to understand why they were different or what might be going on for them. Seeing how comfortable and confident x is in his own skin really highlighted for me the importance of educating the other children so that they can begin to understand and respect the differences between people. DD's primary school had a very active and capable "autism champion", which no doubt helped immeasurably. I only wish that all schools could provide the same level of input and teaching in order to develop empathy and understanding amongst other kids while also nurturing the confidence in autistic children to speak up for their own needs.

Bit of a tangent, I know, OP, but I just wanted to say that education and understanding are so important. Of course you should continue to educate other children about autism, and if possible, please encourage the school to do the same. Most children are actually very kind and empathetic if they are given the chance to be, and sometimes, a little understanding of people's differences can go a very long way.

DS2's class gained a child with autism in y1. He needs 1:1 support and his interractions are clearly not neurotypical. 18m DS1 gained a diagnosis. He's accomplished at masking and generally presents quite "normally"
Having been open about autism and various other conditions/ disabilities made it far easier to adjust when DS1 got a diagnosis.
Young children are very accepting of other people and it's a great time to learn anout the diversity of other people.

I would be perfectly happy for you to explain to my child. The reaction you got from your cousin is quite odd. She can't control every bit of information her child receives. You explained appropriately and she can continue the conversation if the child asks about it again.

The more I think about this, the angrier I'm becoming. They are treating your child's condition like its a dirty little secret.

I think most parents would prefer you to talk to their kids so they don't have to try to explain themselves! x

@Comefromaway

It's not up to another child's parents as to whether you (on behalf of your child) tells them he has autism. The only person who has an opinion in this matter is your child (and you on his behalf).

They are fostering an incredibly abelist attitude. Would you not explain to a child that the reason their friend isn't answering is because he is hard of hearing? It's the same thing.

Exactly

@AlexaShutUp

YANBU at all. I would have been very grateful for you explaining this to my dd when she was little.

My dd's first introduction to the idea of autism came from her best friend when they were both 4. Said best friend had an older sister who had ASD. There was a little boy in their class, x, who later turned out to be on the spectrum as well. Before I was even aware of this, DD's best friend confidently explained to DD that x was a bit different from the other children because he had "a syndrome" and his brain worked in a slightly different way. DD happily accepted this explanation and made allowances for x accordingly.

As they went through primary school, the school did various things to educate the other children about x's autism, including simulations of what it might feel like to learn in a really overstimulating environment, talks about autism from a specialist charity and indeed, opportunities for x himself to explain how he experienced school and some of the challenges that he faced. The other children were incredibly accepting and supportive of x, and eager to make adjustments that would help him. What really bowled me over, though, was when they had their induction talks at secondary school, and x raised his hand so confidently to ask what support would be in place for him as a student with autism. He was comfortable with his differences and confident about asking for support. When a couple of kids from other primary schools began to make fun of him in year 7, even the "cool" kids from dd's primary school quickly told them in no uncertain terms that it wasn't on. And dd and some of her friends eagerly volunteered to help x when he wanted to fundraise in school for an autism charity.

I look back at kids from my own school days who were almost certainly on the spectrum, and think about how incredibly difficult their experiences must have been in comparison, because nobody helped us to understand why they were different or what might be going on for them. Seeing how comfortable and confident x is in his own skin really highlighted for me the importance of educating the other children so that they can begin to understand and respect the differences between people. DD's primary school had a very active and capable "autism champion", which no doubt helped immeasurably. I only wish that all schools could provide the same level of input and teaching in order to develop empathy and understanding amongst other kids while also nurturing the confidence in autistic children to speak up for their own needs.

Bit of a tangent, I know, OP, but I just wanted to say that education and understanding are so important. Of course you should continue to educate other children about autism, and if possible, please encourage the school to do the same. Most children are actually very kind and empathetic if they are given the chance to be, and sometimes, a little understanding of people's differences can go a very long way.

That sounds amazing. My dc had a pretty late diagnosis of ASD (13) and has never talked about it out loud in school, just gradually became more isolated from their peers and has no friends now. I wish they'd had a similar experience to the x you describe in your post.