To stay after a betrayal

SingSweetNightingale · 2021-03-11T10:18:16+00:00

Just that really. 2 children are involved - one DC and one DSC. I’m interested to know how many of you have experienced this situation and did you stay? Did the children make a difference in your decision? And the big one really - did your OH ever change? There’s no OW in my situation but the betrayal relating to lifestyle choices and family finances doesn’t hurt any less. My questions aren’t really about the type of betrayal you experienced just whether you chose to stay and if your OH changed after the trust was shattered. Thank you x

TheQueef · 11/03/2021 10:19

Buying sex was it?

Original poster

SingSweetNightingale · 11/03/2021 10:31

@TheQueef - no but thank you.

OP posts:

GRMA · 11/03/2021 10:35

Without giving too much detail, I gave my first husband a second chance as we had 2 very little ones to consider and low and behold 6 months later he did the same betrayal, he didn't get another chance, after that.

Wendyhause · 11/03/2021 10:36

Unless you tell us we can only guess. Gambling?

NerrSnerr · 11/03/2021 10:38

It really depends what it is. If he's spending money on World of Warcraft figures and you don't like him doing that then you're over reacting. If he has got into massive debts gambling then I'd leave.

As a child whose parents stayed together 'for the children' it was shit. They thought they hid their unhappiness but kids aren't stupid and they'll know.

Easterbunnygettingready · 11/03/2021 10:40

My dh betrayed me financially.. Found out on a Sunday. Told him to be gone before I got home on the Monday..
Filed for divorce that week.

Hoppinggreen · 11/03/2021 10:41

It’s fair enough if you dint want to give details but without knowing the scale of betrayal it’s hard to answer.
Years ago I ran up debts my DH didn’t know about. When I had to confess it was awful but we worked through it. I think what made the difference was that I took ownership of the problem and worked very hard to fix it and out things in place to make sure it didn’t happen again

Slidepastthevoid · 11/03/2021 10:46

It's the lying though isn't it - whatever it might be about, women, drugs, alcohol, spending, gambling - the trust is broken.

I suppose you have to decide if you think trust is a choice rather than something that needs evidentiary backup, and then decide whether you want to trust him, whether you can really.

For me, when I was betrayed - I tried to trust him, for about a year. Wish I hadn't in the end, waste of time. We're split up now. Sorry if that's not helpful but that's how it was for me

FireflyRainbow · 11/03/2021 11:34

They never change. Well, mine didn't. His lies just got better.

mum2bin2021 · 11/03/2021 11:42

Context is everything here... did he spend £500 on a new tv without prior family discussion or did he blow £50k on crypto currency and now you're broke? Without context, it's very difficult to answer.

scaredsadandstuck · 11/03/2021 11:45

From my personal experience, the betrayal eats away at you and has left me, at least, permanently slightly suspicious and waiting for the next time. I blame myself a lot because I chose not to properly address it at the time of the betrayal. So my advice would be to properly get to the crux of the problem, thrash it out and then make your decision about whether you can carry on. Don't brush it under the carpet.

HotSteppa · 11/03/2021 17:45

I stayed after a pretty major betrayal, drug related, happened just the once since the kids came along but he knew how I felt about it and it escalated to have near devastating consequences. When it came out my first instinct was that I would have to leave him as I had said that's what would happen if he betrayed me in this way. Actually I didn't though it was close and had huge consequences for my self esteem and our relationship. Took about 2 years to get "back on track" a further 18m or so until I could honestly say I have forgiven him. It was hard but I'm glad we stuck it out, we are a different couple now and very happy. Couldn't go through it again though

JayniSummers · 11/03/2021 18:50

My child was 18months . We split at the time , although it took a while , I got on with it . He was still in my life as he wanted to still co parent . I think he saw how I got on with it , even started dating and he dropped her like a oily rag . After about 12 months , we tried again . He was sorry , he wouldn't do it again. 20 years on and he never cheated again . However it was HARD at first , hard to trust him , hard to feel close to him , hard to forgive. But I'm glad I did . I don't believe " once a cheat always a cheat " and I don't believe you can forgive and forget. I'm glad we tried again but he was sorry , remorseful and totally understood why I was very insecure when we tried again. This is my lived experience. I've lots of friends who wouldn't and couldn't forgive and that decision was right for them . I've friends who have forgiven multiple cheaters multiple times and had their heart broken each time . You can do it , you have to want to , and he has to understand how much he has hurt you and how he needs to work on making it better

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 11/03/2021 19:04

It actually doesn't depend in the OP's context- she's asking for others' experience, not advice on her situation.

CheesyMother · 11/03/2021 20:17

I think, for me, whether or not the betrayal involved lying to me would be the main factor.

Unilaterally deciding to do something major financially relatively spur of the moment is one thing but hiding that decision and lying about it for months is quite another.

ChewedClickyPen · 11/03/2021 20:27

Yes. It took a lot of time and energy. It took backwards steps before forwards steps. It took pain, and it felt like my dignity was the price for a while, but I see it differently now.

I don't believe the weak stay. I think to stay after a betrayal, and survive it with your self belief and relationship in tact takes an enormous amount of strength and resilience that you couldn't predict you had.

I think a lot of it comes down to the betrayal. I put myself in my DHs shoes and would I have done the same, in his situation, in the environment at the time? Honestly, I can see how it could have happened. Humans are complex creatures and nothing is black and white, despite what you read on here.

Would I stay should it happed again? No. It's not about not being able to give another chance, or forgive again. It is knowing my cup is empty. I can't go through that again. I just can't. But he knows that too. Knows and believes it.

JaceLancs · 11/03/2021 20:32

I gave exDH another chance - wish I hadn’t - his subsequent betrayal hurt just as much if not more
I should have followed my gut instinct - left him where he was (we were on holiday) driven home with DC and changed the locks

JayniSummers · 11/03/2021 21:36

@ChewedClickyPen

Yes. It took a lot of time and energy. It took backwards steps before forwards steps. It took pain, and it felt like my dignity was the price for a while, but I see it differently now.

I don't believe the weak stay. I think to stay after a betrayal, and survive it with your self belief and relationship in tact takes an enormous amount of strength and resilience that you couldn't predict you had.

I think a lot of it comes down to the betrayal. I put myself in my DHs shoes and would I have done the same, in his situation, in the environment at the time? Honestly, I can see how it could have happened. Humans are complex creatures and nothing is black and white, despite what you read on here.

Would I stay should it happed again? No. It's not about not being able to give another chance, or forgive again. It is knowing my cup is empty. I can't go through that again. I just can't. But he knows that too. Knows and believes it.

This 100% this .

katakata · 11/03/2021 21:39

I think his behaviour relating to the betrayal matters almost as much as the betrayal itself.

I know this list of questions belongs in some kind of flowchart or magazine quiz with points at the end, but it might be useful (and it's not at all intended as stuff to be answered here; that would be an interrogation).

Did he tell you, or did you find out for yourself (or hear from someone else)?

If you did find out by yourself, how did he react when you confronted him? Did he come clean right away, or did he gaslight you, drag you through exhausting discussions and only admit everything when you produced absolute proof?

Did he try to blame anything that had happened on you, either directly or indirectly? Did he insinuate that perhaps it was your lack of trust/affection/some other bullshit that drove him to this?

Did he say that you were GLAD he'd fucked up, because after all that's what you EXPECT so CONGRATULATIONS, you've WON? I bet you're loving this.

Did he immediately counter with a list of all your mistakes and crap behaviour; stuff which apparently didn't bear mentioning until this exact moment when he's been caught out?

Was he spiteful? Verbally abusive? Were you worried about your safety?

Did he have ideas how to resolve the situation, or did he ask 'well what do you want me to say/do?', over and over in a sullen, resigned tone.

How many times did he lie to your face about this issue? Not offer partial information, not vaguely mislead: times you've asked about X and received a deliberate lie?

If you were ever concerned about X before, and said so, did he laugh at your concerns or get nastily defensive?

After telling you (or realising you'd found out), did he quickly shift the focus onto his own emotional and mental health? Are you supposed to be worried about him right now?

Have his actions put you or the DC at possible risk? What tangible negative consequences have his actions had on you, and does he fully recognise this?

How much conscious thought, effort and calculation was involved in this betrayal? Was it one really stupid decision, then a messy aftermath of trying to hide and fix things but only making them worse? Or was it something sustained and systemic?

So many questions... but, IMO, bad decisions are one thing and bad character is another. Bad character shows itself in more than just the betrayal.

My friend's partner cheated for a long, long time, got caught out, made it all about his emotions (hinting at suicide), blamed her (made him feel inadequate), launched a massive campaign to romance her back. Then did the exact same thing a decade later. That is some crappy character.