Requesting thread deletion

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

This is making me possibly unreasonably angry. A few months ago (under another username) I started an AIBU thread. I was feeling quite down around Christmas in lockdown and I may well have been unreasonable, or guilty of not explaining the situation properly, but whatever the reason there was a horrible pile-on and people kept coming back for more.

In the end I reported myself and asked MNHQ, politely, if my thread could be taken down as it was making me quite upset. I actually asked twice, as my request was ignored the first time.

No, I was told, "We don't generally delete threads unless they're libellous or racist or otherwise break the law."

Well that's fucking bollocks. Every few days I see a deleted thread - "not in the spirit", "we're looking behind the scenes", "the OP has asked us to delete as they're worried about being outed" and myriad other reasons.

So is it just me, or is what I was told patently untrue?

I think the point is that other users have invested time in responding and it’s disrespectful to them to bin it without good reason.
Are people still piling on?
If it’s inactive, just chalk it up to experience and try to forget about it. You know it does not represent the real you, so don’t let it fester.
I guarantee no-one else is thinking about it today.

YANBU at all

You should have explained your fears about being identified in real life!

Pretty much all posters who are told they are unreasonable get their threads deleted, either for "being recognised" (yes Daisy, you went to Tesco this morning, the whole world knows it's you now)
Or for the thread "not being in the spirit of the site".

It's a clear sign the OP was completely in the wrong or unreasonable, but sadly the thread disappears, or might still be found on reddit at best.

@Happytentoes

I think the point is that other users have invested time in responding and it’s disrespectful to them to bin it without good reason. Are people still piling on? If it’s inactive, just chalk it up to experience and try to forget about it. You know it does not represent the real you, so don’t let it fester. I guarantee no-one else is thinking about it today.

Thanks.

Yes, you have a point - but it seems that lots are binned at the OP's request without fitting one of the specific categories that I was told warrant deletion.

No, it was months ago and it's not active any more. I just felt it was unfair, and it put me off using MN for a while when I needed support.

That's a real shame. I do remember MN being pretty volatile around Xmas time.

I suspect some OPs know what to say to get a thread deleted. If you'd invented privacy concerns, it would probably have done the trick!

I once started a thread asking for answers to a specific question, then 3 replies in I realised the answer myself (I think it was something weird I’d written on a shopping list and couldn’t identify) so I asked MN to take down the thread. They said they would put it in inactive (and presumably did)

My advice is either say you're worried about being outed, or ask it to be moved to '30 days' then hide it.

I once had a similar response after posting in AIBU and obviously not making the issue clear (I was bloody cross at the time. Cue huge pile-on, this place can be meeeeaaaan . Transpired I was the one in the right, but the thread had long passed by that point and no one would have cared for me 'I knew I wasn't unreasonable!'.

YANBU to feel this way but at the same time you are not obligated to continue engaging or even looking at the thread. You changed your username and you can forget it ever happened. There’s no reason to take it off a public site because you were unhappy with the responses you got. I can’t comment on why MNHQ deletes some threads and not others and maybe they need to be more consistent but the fact is your thread is doing you no harm just by existing under a name that will never identify you.

Same thing happened to me about a month ago. The evilness I received! I would love for it to be taken down but its still up

You should be able to take your own thread down. If it's because other people have replied then they've only replied for your supposed benefit and if it's not benefiting you then i'm sure they'd understand it being taken down.
I saw someone today saying they'd asked for their thread to be taken down as everyone said they were in the wrong and totally piled on but MN refused. People were actually gloating that 'their shame' would stay up. It's just nasty really, I used to be on netmums and there you can have any thread you start taken down.

I had a post like that once. It was awful. I think I explained myself wrong. I ended up doing a NC because of the nasty things people said when I needed help. The "pile on" turned into "I don't believe this is real" because I hadn't been back in an hour (because of course if you start a thread you should be at the beck and call of people being nasty to you) and MN took it down to "look behind the scenes". I contacted them to explain it was in good faith but I asked them to leave it down because I hadn't had a single helpful response at a point when I was quite distressed and had nowhere else to turn. I stayed off MN for months afterwards and now I don't start threads, I don't see the point.
When things turn into a pile-on they should let the threads get taken down because of course they're not helping the OP at that point.

MN are quick enough to take down threads about certain topics for 'not being in the spirit' (Meghan Markle, Madeline McCann etc). But don't seem to care too much about regular posters suffering abuse.

I once reported an awful comment from a poster, made to me about my disabled daughter and they left up the comment, despite me contacting them saying it was offensive and upsetting. They left it up as it 'didn't break MN guidelines'.

I think it should be possible to delete your own thread.

whining about privacy is the golden rule it seems...so many threads that do not go the OP's way vanish because suddenly the OP moaning about her horrid parents and lazy arsed siblings, or a husband's hobby, or a parking thread is IDENTIFYING

I've also seen threads removed due to pile ons affecting the posters mental/emotional health so not sure why they refused to remove yours?

There should be a facility to remove your own threads or at the very least delete your own posts without having to request "permission"

For a site used by thousands of visitors per day it's actually a very basic/backward platform that hasn't updated its format in what seems like a decade

I can see both sides of this but I do agree with you that it's upsetting in your case

I had a similar thread around Christmas about a situation I'd made clear was extremely distressing for all concerned, and that I was a week or so postpartum, and was simply looking for resources to discuss the situation (unrelated to the baby) with a professional because I was really struggling with an impossible dilemma and trying to be responsible. I didn't want to give details of the circumstances and was literally just looking for resources but unfortunately that was an invitation to speculate for pages and pages full of vicious comments (with a few kind posters who actually understood between the lines). I suppose I deserved it by not fully explaining the situation but the reason I didn't was that I really didn't want a mumsnet jury trial, I just wanted advice on appropriate organisations to discuss it with professionally. Ironically I think if I had given the details I'd have had much more positive feedback because we'd really been very responsible and it was just a terribly unfortunate and sad situation

Anyway mumsnet did move it to 30 days only in the end, which generated a shedload more horrible replies (I'm not being precious, they were really nasty) but I wish it had just gone because I was up for about 48 hours in the end unable to sleep in the rare moment newborn slept because I was just looking back to see whatever other horrible comments had come my way. It was over that weekend where we were told that we could no longer see family at Christmas, as well, my older DC was injured and unwell with an infection, and it was just awful

Actually the story had a happy ending (the one that mumsnet said couldn't possibly happen)

Sorry for such a long reply, but your replies on my other thread recently were interesting so I felt compelled to respond and also to say how damaging I found the thread remaining up at a time when I was really struggling. Once I got some sleep I was able to brush it off a bit more

I have however had another thread deleted because I felt I was being insensitive and didn't want to upset others, and I misjudged that thread, so there are times they will delete

I had to ask for a thread I made to be deleted after a poster made vile comments about my children and people kept coming on just to say how hilarious the comment was! I was so shocked people found it funny. Luckily MN deleted it because it really upset me but they did take a long time to delete it.

From what I have seen over the years I've been on here, Mumsnet Towers are much more likely to delete a thread because it pisses one of them (or the official company line) off ideologically than to stop a poster getting bullied and abused.

I have long held suspicions about the true identity of some of the site's nastiest bullies too but that's all I am saying.

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

MN are quick enough to take down threads about certain topics for 'not being in the spirit' (Meghan Markle, Madeline McCann etc). But don't seem to care too much about regular posters suffering abuse.

I once reported an awful comment from a poster, made to me about my disabled daughter and they left up the comment, despite me contacting them saying it was offensive and upsetting. They left it up as it 'didn't break MN guidelines'.

Quite. If they'd said they wouldn't remove it because I was being unreasonable and had to suck it up I would have been cross, but accepted it. But it was the citing of suprious conditions that really pissed me off.

Plus I've just remembered another one which was purely about how I was feeling (not quite suicidal, but pretty low) so couldn't have been offensive to anyone else, and that one was taken it down when I didn't want it to be. That was fucking brutal.

@PurplePrimula

From what I have seen over the years I've been on here, Mumsnet Towers are much more likely to delete a thread because it pisses one of them (or the official company line) off ideologically than to stop a poster getting bullied and abused.

I have long held suspicions about the true identity of some of the site's nastiest bullies too but that's all I am saying.

Agree with your first para completely.

Oh yes the bullying "straight-talking" posters. Grrr. Takes some of them mere seconds to sniff out a thread where they can lay into someone.

Sorry for such a long reply, but your replies on my other thread recently were interesting so I felt compelled to respond and also to say how damaging I found the thread remaining up at a time when I was really struggling.

@Somanythingsonmywindowsill - thank you.

I am under the impression that the actions taken do vary quite a lot depending on who is making the decision in MNHQ. Some moderators seem stricter on some issues than others.

There's a current thread of nasty gossips and absolutely disgusting comments over a current event, and still it stands. The person is known, and any friend or family member can end up reading it.

But call MNHQ after being proven you are BU and tell them that you can be identified in real life because you let slip you have a cat, and pof the thread disappears. It's interesting...