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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to blame my DM for eating disorder?

14 replies

Opal93 · 10/03/2021 11:37

I am 28 years old and I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I am currently attending CBT. I have been trying to get some insight into how it all started. The full blown bulimia/anorexia began at age 12 but I do remember a few isolated incidents in primary school where my mother either called me fat or alluded to it. Examples, at age 9 I wanted to join a gymnastics club because I had some friends who went and my mum sneered at me and said. “Your far too fat for gymnastic you would look ridiculous.” Also calling me “podge” every time she saw me eat. She later has tried to say I have misconstrued what she said but she literally said those exact words so I don’t know how I could have gotten it wrong. I remember this caused me to feel I wished I looked different and to feel guilty about eating. I felt really overweight and horrible but yet when I look at old photos I actually wasn’t fat at all, in fact I was just normal looking! When I started making myself sick and starving myself a worried friend told her mum who contacted my mum, concerned. My mum just said I have enough to deal with without her starting this attention seeking nonsense! School ended up getting involved and urged her to take me to the GP which she did reluctantly and they referred me to an eating disorder therapy and my mum relentlessly made fun of me for going to a “shrink,” all the while still calling me “fat arse” and then denying it. I am now NC with her, haven’t seen her since before Christmas, and I know logically that it is all on me to get better and to get help and I am responsible for how I eat now, but I really can’t help but blame her for causing this eating disorder which has been ongoing for well over a decade. AIBU to feel my mother is , at least, in part responsible?

OP posts:
thesunday · 10/03/2021 11:45

Sorry this happened to you, it's very tough.

Yes, blame your mother all the way. She definitely had a big part in your condition. And you've taken the steps by distancing yourself from her.

Now you need to stop the blaming. Because it's on you alone to heal yourself completely.

For that it can be useful to forgive her (even if it's only in your own head and heart).

You are strong. You can do this.

Seafog · 10/03/2021 11:48

You could bake her for triggering it, but it is you that makes the choices, and you that decides how you treat your body as an adult.
It is great you are getting help, and hopefully you reach a point where you feel in control of your life, your choices and your health.

Seafog · 10/03/2021 11:49

Blame her, not bake her....that would be a whole other aibu

FastFood · 10/03/2021 11:51

She most likely is, but moving forward, would it really make you feel better to blame her?

You're working towards getting better, which is amazing, but it also means that you need to take responsibility, otherwise you would give away your free will.

You're in charge now, best of luck, you can do it!

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2021 11:53

She is one of the triggers. Many awful parents make comment but kids dont develop an eating disorder. You cant blame everything on your mum, she is one of the triggers but you do have a mental illness. Not sure how healthy aportioning blame is. You need to work on your own health.

Thelnebriati · 10/03/2021 11:54

Some children are given 7 league boots by their parents and others a rucksack full of bricks.
Its perfectly natural to feel anger at a parent who didn't even do a basic job. This anger is not permanent. Its a stage you have to deal with on your road to recovery, and it will pass. Stages in recovery aren't something you need to 'just get over', they are something you have to work through and there are no short cuts.
You will probably revisit your anger in the future, so don't be surprised when that happens.

If you look for the current 'Stately Homes' thread over on the Relationships board, you'll find a support group full of other 'netters who have gone NC with a parent.

AnotherEmma · 10/03/2021 11:58

I'm sorry your mother was so horribly abusive Flowers
You might find it helpful to read the book "toxic parents" by Susan forward.
I hope CBT is helpful but I wonder if you might need more in depth therapy.

Enb76 · 10/03/2021 11:58

I don't think you can blame your parents once you are past childhood and have some insight as to how stuff has happened. Even if they were the trigger, you make the choices and you are the only one who has the agency to make things better. Even if your mother was truly sorry and admitted that she was shit - that wouldn't actually help you.

By putting blame on an outside agency you cannot move forward because you can't fix something you have no control over. The responsibility has to lie with you in order to effect change.

JimmyJabs · 10/03/2021 12:01

Of course you'd be reasonable to attribute the start of your difficulties to her and her attitudes. And of course it's useful to your recovery to be able to have that clarity about where it all comes from. Just telling you to get over it and make different choices is not helpful at this stage in your recovery - I think you need to be able to get angry about what your mother did to you and vent about it somewhere (if not necessarily to her). Once you've sorted through the attitudes and beliefs that you hold and separated the things you inherited from her from the things you actually believe for yourself, you'll be in a better position to take back control for yourself. It's a long process and can be painful to think about, and you shouldn't feel like you have to be on top of it straight away vor that you have to forgive your mother just yet.

AnotherEmma · 10/03/2021 12:02

@JimmyJabs

Of course you'd be reasonable to attribute the start of your difficulties to her and her attitudes. And of course it's useful to your recovery to be able to have that clarity about where it all comes from. Just telling you to get over it and make different choices is not helpful at this stage in your recovery - I think you need to be able to get angry about what your mother did to you and vent about it somewhere (if not necessarily to her). Once you've sorted through the attitudes and beliefs that you hold and separated the things you inherited from her from the things you actually believe for yourself, you'll be in a better position to take back control for yourself. It's a long process and can be painful to think about, and you shouldn't feel like you have to be on top of it straight away vor that you have to forgive your mother just yet.
Great post
oil0W0lio · 10/03/2021 12:03

Your mother was definitely abusive and it's helpful to know and understand the factors that have contributed to your problems.
if your mother was truly sorry and admitted that she was shit it WOULD be helpful, it would help you to feel validated for one thing
however from what you say about her pigs will fly before she does that!

Sarahlou63 · 10/03/2021 12:08

Yes, she is but will knowing that help you recover? It's useful to look back as an adult to understand the when/why/how your ED started but assigning blame to your mother will achieve nothing. Concentrate on going forward with your recovery.

oil0W0lio · 10/03/2021 12:10

in order to recover from a problem it's obviously very helpful to understand what triggered the problem initially

JimmyJabs · 10/03/2021 12:43

I also think you might want to ask the mods to move this thread to the Mental Health board. Mental illness is quite poorly understood by the general population, and eating disorders especially so, and AIBU very much reflects that. No therapist would tell you that childhood trauma should be forgotten about as soon as you reach adulthood, and that failing to get over it is a way of dodging personal responsibility, as some pp have suggested

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