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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Instagram

29 replies

RJP1989 · 10/03/2021 11:04

Hi all,

I do not have instagram, or facebook; mainly because I do not agree with the over arching ethos of sharing your private life or pictures with 'friends' or the slippery slope into seeking public approval (likes etc) or presenting yourself as always happy and perfect on Instgram (for example). I know this view is not shared by all.

For myself I just prefer to not have accounts. My partner, however, is quite active on instagram and uses it alot. Quite a number of her pictures are of both of us - and for the most part I accept that and do not really have a great issue with it. However sometimes I think the pictures she posts of both of us are straying too far into being an 'open book' of our private life. Yesterday we were at home and she took a selfie of us just sat at home on the sofa. This then ended up on instagram today - it was a caption saying she loved me (which I fully appreciate and am thankful for!) and with us both kissing. Now I really am not one for public displays of affection and I also don't like this being broadcast to instagram - it was a private moment for us. If I saw other people post such pictures I would wonder why they feel the need to put them online, as I certainly would not be interested.

I tried to raise it with my fiance - but it didn't go down too well! I just wanted to say that for some pictures I would prefer they are not posted and they are kept private. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BlackBucketOfCheese · 10/03/2021 11:39

YANBU.
I like Instagram (if you don’t get into the influencer area of it all) but I never publish a photo of someone else without showing it to them and asking their permission.
In fact I would say only about 2% of my photos feature people - including myself.

Hotcuppatea · 10/03/2021 11:49

She's in the wrong here. A group photo at an event in which you feature seems less of a big deal, but one featuring just the two of you in your private space is different.

There's also the vom-inducing aspect of this photo being staged just for Insta likes.

Social media can be a really fantastic way of staying connected with friends, family and community. It can also become addictive and start taking over your life. Posts like the one you've described are on a bit of a slippery slope IMO.

Twizbe · 10/03/2021 11:58

You are not being unreasonable. You have the right to ask her not to post pictures of you.

I don't post pictures of my children because they cannot consent to me doing it. You absolutely can not consent to her posting your pictures.

RoseLimeade · 10/03/2021 12:04

Of course YANBU. She’s posting pictures of you publicly you don’t want her to. Why do your feelings on your pictures being shared come below her urge to post them in her mind?

Can you share what you mean by ‘it didn’t go down well’?

kunterbunting · 10/03/2021 12:08

Oh God, YANBU a thousand times over. I don't use social media, and would be very, very put out if I found that someone else - and especially my partner - had been putting photos of us on the internet.

A friend once put a photo of me on Facebook. Someone else told me, and I asked her to delete it (which she did).

You have an absolute right not to find yourself on Instagram, and your fiancee shouldn't be trampling on your feelings about this.

Why does she feel the need to tell the world how much you love one another, anyway?

thesunday · 10/03/2021 12:26

Is she an influencer, a coach or run a business?

In that case, yes, it makes sense to post your life on Instagram, even better the behind the scenes stuff. I totally understand.

But obviously she needs to check in whether it's ok with you.

Kathy2020 · 10/03/2021 12:35

YANBU- I’m no longer active on Instagram but when I was if I was sharing a photo of anyone on my account I always asked their permission first.

You have a right to your privacy

Kathy2020 · 10/03/2021 12:39

@thesunday

Is she an influencer, a coach or run a business?

In that case, yes, it makes sense to post your life on Instagram, even better the behind the scenes stuff. I totally understand.

But obviously she needs to check in whether it's ok with you.

I would see that as even more reason to protect her partners privacy as if she is an ‘influencer’ etc then her account would more than likely be public and can be viewed by anyone
someonelockthefridgealready · 10/03/2021 12:44

You have a boundary on this, and it is not unreasonable at all. You explain clearly and she needs to respect that boundary. It is not OK for her to ignore it or get peed off with you about it.

micc · 10/03/2021 12:47

You are not being unreasonable! I am active on both, If i post a picture of anyone (including my partner) I ask first. Its just polite. He likes to see it first to make sure he likes it too!!
With my kids I post happy nice pictures of us together and of them and their milestones for the family who live abroad on there. I do find it really odd when parents post about their private moments, like toilet related accidents, when they are in hospital or just bad pictures of them. A funny face is one thing but these pictures are for other people to see and they might not like that in the future.
A private moment like kissing for me I find odd. I myself too dont like PDA and would be really confused why my partner would do that.
Thinking about it, the one time I did do something was I posted a picture of him we all said looked great! He looked like a model! And I put the caption as something like look how gorgeous he is! He got a bit embarrassed by that ! Haha I changed it!!
I dont know what to say moving forward for you though. I feel it needs a really good heart to heart. Shes obviously just taken the defensive, maybe she feels a bit bad and embarrassed. If its important to you it should be important to her too.

JellyBabiesFan · 10/03/2021 12:51

Tell him you do not want to have your photo posted on the internet for the world to see. If he does not understand this then that would be a big problem for me.

I do not like nor use instagram because it is just a medium for people to make money whilst showing off. My partner does not like it either.

Lampan · 10/03/2021 12:54

I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell her that you would like to see any posts involving you before she posts them, and that you don’t consent to her posting stuff that features you without your knowledge. Especially things that will open you to ridicule (let’s face it, a lot people seeing an insta post of a kiss would find it unnecessary/oversharing/smug etc). I wouldn’t want to be with someone who did this as I would wonder how much of them being in the relationship was to do with being concerned with other people’s perceptions of her life. Hopefully you can have a sensible conversation with her about it, if you can’t then that’s maybe an indication of other problems between you.

Wanderlust20 · 10/03/2021 12:56

Agree with you, people share too much. I do have Instagram but keep it pretty light heartened, don't often show my face actually! Just nice scenary from walks or little things that have made me smile etc. But each to their own.

Pukkatea · 10/03/2021 12:57

Yes, I love instagram but PDA selfies are ridiculous. Keep some things to yourself. I bet all of her followers thought it was embarrassing.

tentimesaday · 10/03/2021 13:13

Wtf? Of course yanbu. Just tell her not to post any photos of you online. End of. Why are you being such a passive aggressive nonce?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 10/03/2021 13:15

Yanbu. If you don't want your face on insta, your partner shouldn't put it there. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.
And I say that as someone who likes insta )for the ducks😂)

Sunhoop · 10/03/2021 14:01

I am on Instagram and I would hate that too! YANBU. Just tell her and be firm that you don't want photos of you on there. If she gets arsey that's her problem - she should respect your boundaries and I'd be pretty pissed off if she didn't.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 10/03/2021 16:02

I use social media - but not for over sharing!

Anyway, I have a friend similar to you. She just doesn't like having a digital footprint and doesn't want photos of herself on the internet.

I am careful that I never post photos with her in them or ever mention her anywhere in my online activities. She is my friend and I respect her.

You're not being unreasonable at all!

AnnaBerry1992 · 08/04/2021 18:07

I'm not using these social media for the same reasons.

MelaniePayne · 13/04/2021 12:58

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emilyfrost · 13/04/2021 13:04

I think YABU and silly; it’s just a photo.

But then I have no time or patience for all those who “don’t want their photo taken” or refuse for anyone to see a photo of them Hmm Surely they know people can see them in real life 😂

CroutonsAvatar · 13/04/2021 13:24

YANBU. That would make me cringe. It’s definitely for everyone else’s benefit rather than yours.

I don’t mind Instagram, but find the oversharing smug posts a bit Hmm. I think to a lot of people it’s just become the norm. If they don’t document and share it then there’s no point sort of attitude. But each to their own. I think it’s a hard mentality to snap out of.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 13/04/2021 13:28

I like Instagram, but I use it for my craft / hobby, not personal stuff. I think you have every right to ask your partner not to share personal photos on a public forum.

BlacksAbs · 05/05/2021 12:09

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chloeb8 · 05/05/2021 12:10

YANBU at all - she should be respecting your wishes.

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