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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jekyll & Hyde DP

9 replies

MrsWhatAmIDoing · 10/03/2021 09:09

What can you do about a Jekyll and Hyde partner? Can be absolutely brilliant, fun and loving, but when they lose their sh*t they are awful. Definitely not depressed, adamant that they’re not deeply troubled; to my mind just shows total lack of control when triggered. Is desperately sorry after any outburst (verbal – dramatic, cruel, exaggerates situations) but it doesn’t stop them happening (at a guess, once a month/every other month). I don’t feel I’ve made it better over the years, DP is a mood projector and I’ve kind of tolerated it/walked on egg shells/enabled it.
AIBU – get them counselling, concentrate on their good side and support them to sort the bad side out
YANBU – move on, these people never change

OP posts:
sagaLoren · 10/03/2021 09:13

I've been in one of these relationships before and I eventually realised that the "good guy" version of his personality was essentially just a way to keep me there. If he'd been the bad guy all the time I would have had no reason to stay with him. I can't speak for your relationship but in mine the constant switching between love bombing and nastiness was a way to control and gaslight me. He convinced me that I was the reason for making him behave badly because of what I'd said or done.

I voted YANBU because I don't think these people change.

FlibbertyGiblets · 10/03/2021 09:33

Put him in the bin.

Shoxfordian · 10/03/2021 09:57

It’s abusive behaviour and you should leave him

NotAgainNoMore · 10/03/2021 09:57

Just once instance of that behaviour would wipe out all the good for me, let alone every month or so.
Move on, the time for therapy has long gone.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2021 09:59

adamant that they’re not deeply troubled; to my mind just shows total lack of control when triggered

Sorry but this man is abusive and you need to leave the relationship as soon as possible. And don't let him know your plans until you are out and safe.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but been there, done that. Reaching out is the first step and you've done that. Please talk to family and friends in real life next.

partyatthepalace · 10/03/2021 10:00

@sagaLoren

I've been in one of these relationships before and I eventually realised that the "good guy" version of his personality was essentially just a way to keep me there. If he'd been the bad guy all the time I would have had no reason to stay with him. I can't speak for your relationship but in mine the constant switching between love bombing and nastiness was a way to control and gaslight me. He convinced me that I was the reason for making him behave badly because of what I'd said or done.

I voted YANBU because I don't think these people change.

Yep - it’s a classic method of control. It will get worse. Move on quick.

People often recommend the Freedom Programme OP

Original poster
MrsWhatAmIDoing · 10/03/2021 10:28

I very much appreciate you responding.
I don't think I feel abused and I don't feel unsafe. It's boring and upsetting and right now I see no end to it. (He kicked off last night, prompting this.)
I think if I needed help, in any way, I'd expect him to be there for me and I'm pretty sure he would be. For better for worse and all that. Isn't it the right thing to help facilitate change? We've been together since we were 16 (30 years!)

OP posts:
sagaLoren · 10/03/2021 11:02

I think what probably set off alarm bells for commenters on this thread are "total lack of control" and "walking on egg shells". These are both absolutely classic things you hear from women who are in abusive relationships (and sometimes very dangerous ones). It's also the case that a lot of women who are in abusive relationships don't realise they are in abusive relationships (I was one of them). Of course that doesn't mean that you are, we can only go by what you've said.

To give another perspective - my dad would lose his temper at a moment's notice and get very shouty, slamming doors etc. I don't think it was abusive as he's not like that anymore. I think he was under a huge amount of stress and didn't really have any coping mechanisms other than to lose his rag. With hindsight I don't think it helped anyone (including him) that he was allowed to get away with that behaviour for so long. If you're not of the LTB mindset then I would say that you can't continue to tolerate this and should give him an ultimatum that he needs to deal with it or you'll be out the door.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 10/03/2021 11:13

Run don't walk.
It won't change, he knows what he's doing.

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