To pull away from nasty friend?

[ohmeohmy9]

I only have one close friend near my age, and every time I see her lately she comes out with something quite personal and upsetting.

I don't think she's meaning to upset me per say, but I do sense that she feels a bit better about herself through putting other people down.

She's made hurtful comments (in a very matter of fact way) about:

My fertility ('Oh well, you seem like you'd be happy to adopt anyway.' - as she took me home from hospital)

My work experiences, and prospective business

My general health/fitness

Suggesting my closest family member will be dead in a few years.

I haven't invited any of these comments. Whenever I explain how I'm trying to improve my prospects she puts it down. I'm going through a rough time at the moment and don't need someone else bashing me on the head.

I do generally enjoy her company, and I'm very wary about pulling away from my only close friend my age, but it's really bothering me!

Am I being unreasonable to pull away? Do I call her out on it (nicely) and try and move forward (not sure how she'll take this)? Or does anyone have any tips for brushing it off and not taking it to heart? I think it overall says more about her than me.

Thanks in advance

I should probably add, we've been friends for nearly two decades, so not a short term friendship. I've already backed away somewhat and she makes an effort to keep in contact, even when I'm not.

What good does she bring to your life? I'm guessing not much!

It sounds like you are still friends because it has been a long time, it's the sunk costs fallacy.

If she brings anything positive to your life and you would like to continue with the friendship you could gently ask her why she said the next horrible thing she comes out with. Do you know how she is with other people? She might just say these things to you because she thinks you won't challenge her.

You're right, it does say more about her than you and it's that you have to think about when not taking it to heart.

If, OTOH, she brings nothing but negativity to your life you might be better calling it a day.

I had a "friend" like this. I'd known her from school. I had to cut her out when we were early 30s as she was just awful to me.

Examples:

When my Ds was a toddler, she came round one evening, we had wine when Ds was in bed. She likened it to taking class A drugs with a child in the house and asked if I was worried I'd get reported to SS.

I pretended I'd had a Breast reduction. I was very fat and carry all my weight on my boobs. I lost tens stone abs obviously my boobs were smaller. For about two years she went on and on about how it wouldn't just be weight loss why why boobs were so much smaller and that I must be lying about surgery. In the end it was easier to just agree.

When I was fat she would make constant jibes. She one told me about someone we had been to school with who was getting married and joked about how I should be bridesmaid as I'd make her look awesome, and how other people were all laughing about it.

She was just fucking horrible. No redeeming features. My life is better without her in it.

Ditch the so called friend. Life is too short.

I have been in similar circumstances and pulled away slowly from friendship... She is definitely making herself feel better at your expense.. When someone makes us feel uncomfortable, it's a signal that boundaries have been crossed and need to be adjusted back..

Ooh, the sunk costs fallacy is interesting (just generally)! I'll be reading up on that.

Our friendship also brings me joy, but this is tainting it to the extent that I don't want to see her. I'm letting her make all the effort. We'll be having a nice time, and then all of a sudden she just drops something nasty into the conversation, in a very matter of fact way, no spin.

One of her other friends has stopped speaking to her in the last few months. She says she doesn't know why, she's just been blanked.

I've had a friend like this OP and she destroyed my self esteem. I'm still recovering a few years later. She does mean to be hurtful and she knows exactly what she's doing. It's all about her own insecurities. She wants you to stay put in your current situation and not get above yourself. (as she sees it). I would distance yourself. That comment about your fertility is unforgiveable and I wouldn't be able to move past that. Find friends that lift you up rather than tear you down.
In my case with my ex friend, I kept doing the things she said I would fail at. She didn't like it when I had success and she stropped off!

Gosh @Fuckadoodledoooo - she sounds absolutely vile! You are definitely better off without her. I wonder what makes people turn like this. It's such a shame when you've previously had a good relationship. I can't help but mourn what it was like when it was good.

I had a friend who would blind side me with random, hurtful, or personal comments.

I put up with it as it wasn't all the time and I did like her otherwise.

I was also rather short on friends at the time so I felt like I had no choice in a way. This was I think a mistake. I would only stand up for myself some times if I was quick enough in my thinking.

It did build up though. It built up too much.

One day I was just too tired of it and I told her she was rude and I walked off never to see her again. In that moment it was over a minor and quite silly thing so I probably looked ridiculous and unreasonable.
In fact I was just reacting to everything she had said and done over a long period of time.

I wish I had stepped back much earlier.

I wouldn't have looked like a villain. There wouldn't have been any drama.
More importantly I wouldn't have had all that negative self esteem damaging and draining nonsense dripping into my ear for so long.

I can't advise on talking to her about it as I don't have any experience of successfully calling a friend out on their attitude.

You could try simply saying "that's hurtful" or "say that again?" or "that's mean"

YANBU to not want to be friends with someone who doesn't make you feel good.

If you would like to try to salvage the friendship my view is it's better to be upfront and honest. Tell her what you think rather than disappearing. If she takes it on board then your friendship is likely to be stronger. If you end up falling out, well it sounds like it's going that way anyway.

Alternatively you could be a bit more direct at the time she makes these comments. The fertility one, she might not have known what to say and maybe she was trying to be positive.

I have a friend who does this.

However I am 100% certain it isn’t deliberate and that she doesn’t have any understanding of the impact of what she’s saying. She is also lovely and caring and totally a good friend who is loyal and values me. So I overlook it. Only you know whether you want to overlook or address or just part company.

@EscapeTheCastle - that's exactly the boat I'm in. I think I'm hanging onto her out of fear of not having friends, and the notion that we're a similar age. We're in very different places in life though.

@ElderMillennial - most of the time I do call her out on it. I'm recovering from Covid at the moment and she suggested that my symptoms are because I'm overweight and unfit. I reminded her immediately that I'd had covid and that I didn't think my weight was the issue (I'm a tall size 14). When she made the fertility comment, I said, 'Well, yes, but that doesn't take away the pain over potentially not being able to have biological children.'

I address her comments most of the time at the time, but when I get home it just hurts! I've spent so much time scrutinising my appearance since she suggested that I'm so overweight that my breathlessness is not a covid recovery issue! I had no issue with this pre-covid. Even if I was grossly overweight, there's a way of phrasing things that is kind.

Oi bitch face.Fuck off. Done

Ditch the bitch. Why would you spend time with someone who leaves you feeling like shit?

It sounds like she isn't a good friend to you OP. I would only bother calling her out on it if you think it will help you or if you think it's worth it. Is there any good in the friendship?

Otherwise I'd just stop seeing her. You don't have to completely ghost her but cut down on how much you message her and tell her.