I’ve been with my bf for 2 months as an “official” couple but we’ve been friends for around four years and have been dating/seeing each other for four months before making it official. We Both got out of long term relationship last year and decided to give it a go.
What I’m starting to notice is his selfishness and cheapskate tendencies. I feel used on so many levels: for my money (even though he earns three times as much as me), my time and even sex. taken for granted big time.
In my previous relationship my ex gaslighted me so now I don’t trust my feelings/what I see so I wanted some opinions.
Now we are an official couple he makes very little effort with me. He only makes plans to suit him and often leaves me waiting around for him. Like I had to wait for him to finish some diy job around the house that he set for himself last weekend so we could go on a trip together last Sunday. He didn’t get it done on time so we didn’t go anywhere. Yet he invited me for coffee squeezed in between his diy work which turned out to be just a booty call. Every time we meet up he jokingly brings up sex even if I tell him I’m tired (we still have sex minimum four times a week! If I have to be so petty and count, sometimes a few times in a day when we spend whole weekends together). But recently he is making like no effort to actually be with me without sex. I feel there’s this expectation that I should put out every time we meet up even if it’s a quick coffee break (we’re neighbours).
He recently bought a new house next door. I let him stayed with me when he was in between houses. It supposed to be one week but he stayed for two rent free. He made a one week food shop and cooked only three times over this period relaying on me to cook which I stupidly did. Even with a food shop I had to buy milk myself cause he is not using it along with a food for my dog (which I understand) but seriously to not to even buy milk for your host? It’s such a small amount!
Even last week I made a dinner for us and asked him to bring a bottle of wine and some dessert. I paid for and cooked the rest of the food. He literally bought the cheapest wine and small mousse type of deserts that come in plastic tubs in pack of four four under £2...and even told me that he went for the cheapest wine! We always bought elaborate desserts on the weekends to indulge so it was like wtf? Same night he said sth about being happy that he’s no longer with his ex cause he used to spend so much money on her. He noticed how this sounded to me and changed the topic swiftly.
We used to go on the trips pre lockdown. We went on a 200 miles drive and he told me that this will cost over £50 in petrol so I wanted to chip in but he told me it’s fine, it’s on him. So I made a picnic for us and bought him coffees on the way. I kept buying him food/takeout/coffees on all our trips cause I was under impression that the petrol is expensive. One of my friends drove to visit me and it was a massive journey and she mentioned how much she paid for petrol (she drives the exact same car model as he) and I was like wait a second?!!! She told me that the 200miles trip would be maximum £30 so he literally kept fleecing me and using my generous nature when Im living off a part time job and benefits ffs!
In the mean time he keeps furnishing his new abode with the best furniture out there cause he has to have the best. But it seems when it comes to me it’s the cheapest. He keeps mentioning it all the time: i.e. he bought a takeout for both of us but mentioned that we’ll got some cheap Chinese. What made it worse is the fact that I was at his old place at the time helping deep clean it cause he was moving out. I pretty much did all the work. I thought he didn’t have any annual leave left cause he was working during the day and cleaning/packing in the evenings/weekends. I neglected my uni for this cause I thought he needed help and it turned out he just didn’t want to take any annual leave for this! He barely showed any gratitude for this nor the fact he stayed with me for two weeks without paying for anything! Also, when he stayed with me he didn’t even clean. He only loaded and unloaded dishwasher a few times.
Plus he constantly tells me, jokingly, that in this relationship he will change me. I feel constantly judged and like I’m coming up short. He has issues with me going to bed at 4am and getting up at 11. But I don’t have a work that needs me to be up in the morning so I don’t see how is this his problem (I’m working from home during lockdown preparing online content working to deadlines with occasional zoom calls)? He is obsessed with working out to keep himself fit. He puts on weight incredibly fast so I get it but I don’t. I’m tall and slim and wear size 10 (UK) but I don’t have much upper body strength and can’t do push-ups or pull ups. It never bothered me. I don’t even want to be able to do those things. I’m happy the way I am. I’m very flexible and can walk for miles cause I’ve got a dog to walk daily for 1.5h and that keeps me fit. But he seems to want me to start exercising/running cause he’s ex was obsessed with that kind of thing. She also has a well paid job and it seems that’s what matters to my bf the most. He even called my job ‘shitty’ and I would never call it that myself. I’m an academic librarian ffs!!! I’m earning more than minimum wage but got stuck working part time cause of lockdown (im also still finishing uni that I deferred last year).
Not to mentioned he once gain jokingly told me he will dump me if I get fat/ if my boobs will get saggy with age etc.
I also have mental health issues and I often have a low energy days when I can’t do much. I can see how he’s judging me just like my ex did, asking me questions about how I’m feeling with a patronising smirk on his face. Like he thinks I’m just too soft on myself and should try harder. I’m fucking trying all the time and I already feel guilty for not being able to do more with my days, feeling like a failure, I don’t need him to make me feel even more guilty and more like a massive fuck up!
He would make flippant comments like : therapy doesn’t seem to ever help you. I’m in therapy atm and it’s just a beginning and I don’t think my therapist is a good match for me. I told him this and he said the above. I was surprised so asked him what are you saying? He said that I told him that my previous therapy a few years back was unsuccessful. I’ve never said anything like it cause it was super helpful. I wasn’t happy with that therapist for the first two sessions but then she changed her approach when I told her so and it was very helpful. He was trying to tell me I said sth when I didn’t. I went to meet a friend and he asked me whether I told her I’m in therapy. I said that why would I tell her that? We’re not that close. And he said that isnt the telling everyone about your mental health problems and my childhood sexual trauma the whole idea of the therapy? I don’t even know where does he got it from. Like wtf mate? Why would I tell the whole world about sth like that? So I would forever be seen as the crazy girl that needs to be pitied for what happened to her. I don’t want to be defined by my mental health issues or sth traumatic that happened in my past. 🤷♀️ he said that he thinks I should tell my friends but shut the fuck up after I said the above.
He would also make plans involving me without asking me if I’m cool with it. I told him that he needs to first ask me cause it’s disrespectful and rude and he said that he won’t do it again but keeps doing it.
Also, when he moved out of my place he didn’t even thank me. He thanked me for letting him stay when he moved in but never when he moved out. He just took all his shit out when I was sleeping (that was the agreement) and that was it.
I’m ready to break it off. He’s a great friend but a lousy bf. What would you do if you were me? Our mutual friend tells me I should tell him about this and give him a chance to rectify his behaviour but I’m seeing so many red flags here that I’m not sure I want to give him this chance.