To want my old life back (and be sad that’s not possible)

[PearorPasta]

Not sure if I’m unreasonable to feel this way as I know I’m also lucky my husband is still with me... sorry this will be long!

Me and hubby had a pretty perfect life, I was so happy to meet someone so perfect a few years after a messy divorce.

We had no real money worries, went away 4+ times a year, both had jobs we loved, had a great sex life and loved being together.

Then we had the year + from hell. I was made redundant, he then became seriously ill and needed massive surgery and was in ICU for a long period and is still on the road to a very slow long recovery (this has been over 2 years now) we had to put our plans of IVF (as i cannot conceive naturally) on hold and now we won’t qualify on the NHS and private isn’t an option.

I became his carer and can only work part time at the moment due to not being able to leave him alone for long periods of time, so had to take a job I hate as the hours fitted in with what I needed, our income is hugely reduced and our life now is simply getting through one day to the next, there’s no fun or laughter and our relationship is very much carer/patient (although hubby is now able to do a lot for himself, we seem to be stuck in that relationship rather then getting back to husband and wife.)

I am grateful everyday that he is still here, as he could’ve easily not made it through but as he’s improved it’s as if I’m realising how much has changed and how much we’ve lost.

I don’t know how to make things better again.

I'm the same or the opposite. My wife and I had a fantastic marriage and were really happy and everything was really good The sex was fantastic. We were both 55 when we met so children were not a possibility. Eight years ago she had breast cancer which meant surgery, chemotherapy and radio therapy, all this caused heart failure.
In many ways we stopped being husband and wife, and like you, I became a carer and I love her so that was OK.

She is now starting to be more like she was before cancer. She is smiling a lot, is getting her spark back. I can see there is light at the end of the tunnel and life will be really good again.

Thank you both for sharing your stories on such a personal level. I wish both your partners and yourselves the best.

No advice to give you but oh my God, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a horrible time. Of course you’re grieving your old life, I imagine that you’re stressed, exhausted and battle weary. Holding your virtual hand and I pray things get better for you soon, lots of love.

Thank you for the kind comments and sharing your story @Paul72

I’m so glad you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel Paul - I don’t think I’m there yet as every glimpse of the light makes me feel worse as my “old life” seems so far away.

I’ve not really spoken to anyone about how I’m feeling as it feels “wrong” to be moaning about what I’ve lost when it’s hubby that’s so Ill. But I feel like I’ve lost everything that makes me “me”

I failed to say why I shared @PearorPasta
I was trying to say don't give up hope, where there is love there is hope and things will improve.

I became disabled after a failed operation when I was 40, I won't go into the details of our day to day life, only to say how thankful I am that my husband is still the love of my life, and I his, even though he is my carer. However, the most important thing that has helped me through some of the darkest of times, is remembering that there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me! For example, I may be disabled, but I have odd days when I CAN get up for a little while and do things for myself, where there is bound to be someone else disabled who is stuck in a wheelchair all day everyday, and can't do ANYTHING for themself. If I feel down because I can't go out and walk miles like I used to do, I remind myself that there are people who have perhaps been in an accident and had to have their legs amputated. You get the idea? So until things start to get back to 'normal', just try focusing on the fact that things could be SO MUCH WORSE, ie, your husband could have died, but instead he's getting better, day by day. I hope that in some small way this might help, and remember his IS going to get better, and someone else out there today, isn't going to. Take care of yourself, and try and keep a sense of humour, we find that helps a lot too.