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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think "not ready for a relationship" is a line?

21 replies

Meggie2008 · 09/03/2021 18:19

Been seeing a bloke since the end of the year, just casually to see how things progress.
Both of us got out of long term relationships in August last year so neither of us really up for jumping into something super serious right off the bat.
We do act very coupley together, I've met a couple of his friends and both sets of parents know about our existence, but we keep firing out this "not ready for a relationship" line whenever anyone asks us about it. We're both guilty of it, not just him.
I'm now starting to wonder if that's genuinely the case, and we'll just be "not ready for a relationship" until one of us finds someone we like better, or whether we will eventually just decide we're together.

Have any of you ever been with anyone where the "not ready" has actually turned in to something? Or are we both just stuck in a lockdown fling? 😂🙈

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 09/03/2021 18:23

I think if you act coupley together, meet parents and don't see anyone else...

You're in a relationship.

You just need to talk to one another about how you would like the relationship to go.

Original poster

Meggie2008 · 09/03/2021 18:25

@WhoWants2Know Honestly you wouldn't think that both of us are almost 30 😂 I was with my ex for 9 years and him 6, this back and forth nonsense is bizarre to me.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2021 18:26

Do you actually want a relationship? Seems like you need an honest chat with him

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 18:26

If you're both on the same page, it doesn't matter does it?

Is this more a communication thing, where you feel you don't want to say you're in a relationship because he doesn't want to say it, when you sort of do..?

Viviennemary · 09/03/2021 18:28

If you are both in agreement it doesnt really matter.

user1493413286 · 09/03/2021 18:31

Me and DH were in that situation; we’d both not long got out of toxic long term relationships with messy endings and I think we both knew that once we were properly together things would move fairly quickly. But in all honesty it wasn’t great; neither of us really knew if we were coming or going and would break up every few weeks. It reached the point where I said either we do this properly or we cut contact; we went for it and moved in within 6 months.
However prior to this I’ve also known guys who have said this and what they’ve really meant is they want to sleep together, do couple things but with none of the commitment and if they’re called out on any shabby behaviour then the excuse is that it isn’t a proper relationship.
The big difference between those two experiences was that with DH we were in the same place whereas the second one I had wanted a relationship from the beginning.
Just to add more complexity I think we’ve all heard of the guy who means not ready for a relationship with you but is with someone else however they don’t normally act quite as couply as you’re describing.

MrsTophamHat · 09/03/2021 18:32

I think it means you're not that serious about eachother, which is fine so long as the relationship isn't stopping you from meeting someone who could be a really good match for you.

IM0GEN · 09/03/2021 18:33

I’m confused - what are you in if it’s not a relationship ? Do you mean you are not exclusive ?

user1493413286 · 09/03/2021 18:33

Reading that back through I’m not sure how helpful my post was; I guess you need to work out where you are with things and talk to him if you want to call it a relationship

PawPawNoodle · 09/03/2021 18:34

Mr Noodle was variations of 'not ready for a relationship' and 'not sure I should be in a relationship' when we started out so I invited him to break up with me if that's how he felt.

He obviously didn't feel that strongly about it as we've been together 6 years. I don't think it was a line, more his insecurity and self-esteem issues which he then worked on.

Midlifephoenix · 09/03/2021 18:38

Generally 'not ready for a relationship' means 'not ready for a relationship WITH YOU'. You can drift on for years being 'not ready' until you meet the right person.

Original poster

Meggie2008 · 09/03/2021 18:38

@user1493413286 Yeah it's a bit like that. I'm trying to decide if it's a sort of protective measure seen as both of our last relationships ended messily, sort of if we're not together then neither of us can get hurt?

@IM0GEN We joke and say that we're "exclusively not together" 😂 Neither of us are talking to or seeing anyone else, but whenever asked, we both insist that we're not together . Weird.

OP posts:

JackieTheFart · 09/03/2021 18:38

Well, it sounds like you’re in a relationship . If you’re not actively searching out other people to date, aren’t flirting with others, and have met each other’s families - what exactly about that is ‘not a relationship’?

squaresonapage · 09/03/2021 18:42

Hmmm I know you 'both' say not ready for a relationship, but is it him really leading that and you're kind of feeling the same, but also would be quite happy to title the relationship?

Have a chat with him. My best friend was in a relationship in all but name with a guy for a year and half. Acted as bf gf, he wanted to go on holiday, tell his mom about her - but when pushed, he "was not ready for a relationship". She thought he would eventually commit. It became evident after many emotional chats about it that he wanted things exactly as they were, and that really "they were not really together" according to him - funny that, seeing as they weren't seeing other people and acting like a couple!

Have a chat with him. If you really want a relationship don't be in denial about it. If not, all good, but do be honest with yourself

squaresonapage · 09/03/2021 18:45

Oh and also to say - my friend and her non-bf were like you, both recently out of long term relationships

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 18:47

If you're thinking it's weird, you need to talk to him really. There's no right or wrong, but if you want to be in a relationship, your first port of call should be communicating with him rather than asking the internet, really. What's stopping you from saying 'I'm starting to feel that this not-relationship terminology is a bit weird, what do you think?' to him?

therocinante · 09/03/2021 18:54

My friends did this for 5 years... they've got a mortgage and 2 kids now hahahah!

notanothertakeaway · 09/03/2021 19:36

In the scenario you describe, I think that often one person wants a proper relationship, the other wants FWB, and it doesn't always have a happy ending

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 09/03/2021 19:44

@Midlifephoenix

Generally 'not ready for a relationship' means 'not ready for a relationship WITH YOU'. You can drift on for years being 'not ready' until you meet the right person.

That’s my experience. Same for “I don’t really see myself ever getting married/having kids”...then they marry the next person they meet after you.

A question...if you aren’t in a relationship how will both of you feel when the other one meets the person they’d rather be with? Just a “oh well it wasn’t ACTUALLY a relationship”.

So imagine in say, three months time, he says to you “I’ve met someone and I’ve decided I’m ready for a relationship with them. Obviously we weren’t really in a relationship, so you’ll understand, out of respect for her I can’t see you anymore.”

What’s the real emotional response for you to that?

And what do you reckon his would be if it was vice versa?

2Rebecca · 09/03/2021 19:56

Not sure what the point of the vote is. It's not a yes or no thing. If someone I have been seeing says "I'm not ready for a relationship" it means he doesn't want a relationship WITH ME.
Not sure why you don't just tell nosy people to mind their own business. What exactly are they asking that you're having to be evasive about? You've only been together for 2-3 months. I don't understand why you are being evasive but I'm also not understanding why you're feeling the need to give people updates on how serious your relationship is after a 2-3 month relationship in lockdown. Everyone needs to chill.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2021 11:37

Means don't want to bother with dating you but I'll take sex if it's on offer. Years old Creeps line.

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