to drop friend or distance?

[zebraprint1]

My friend of over 10 years and I have always mostly been really close. We have been there for each other through break-ups, had day trips out, shes invited me to events. Can tell each other anything.

I have a few problems recently with this friend.
1.) She is completely different to me socially. She is into partying, I am not. I prefer to go for a nice meal for a few hours to catch up than sit at home getting drunk.

Even though we are in our 30s. She is very extroverted where-as i'm more in between the two but probably more introverted. This would not be a problem usually, but i'm noticing she is becoming close to a friendship group including my ex and the girl he left me for. This makes me uncomfortable. I know I have no say in this, but I feel like I should distance through potential hurt. Me and my ex are not on good terms, and she knows how badly I was hurt.

2.) I feel a bit like a childs play toy. By that I mean, we will go through periods of being really close and seeing a lot of each other, and then I will not hear from her for weeks. If I attempt to make contact, this usually goes unanswered or I can tell shes not interested in speaking to me. Yet I know she is ALWAYS chatting to others over messenger. Its like, its on her terms. She rotates her favourite friends.

I really enjoy her company when things are good and we have had some great memories, but I am sick of the times I am made to feel unimportant. I am lonely and have very few friends compared with her, so I understand she can't give all her time to me. But it feels like the friendship is way more important to me than her and is unbalanced mostly which also makes me feel down and sad.

I keep going round in circles, I tell myself, she isn't interested in a close friendship with me, I don't like her friendship circle, I am going to slowly distance and let the friendship drift....

Then she'll suddenly be in touch after weeks of silence and i'll feel bad for how I felt and happy my thoughts were wrong. Rinse and repeat...

I honestly feel like a teenager writing this, but i'm honestly sick of the hot/cold nature of the friendship. It makes me feel unimportant and down. But on the other hand, the reason it upsets me so much is because I love spending time with her and (normally) would consider a dear friend to me. Its confusing.

Nobody should make you feel like that, no matter how good it is when it’s good.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, I know it’s really tough emotionally at the moment...... do you think there’s a chance you’re projecting your own negative feelings onto your friend and the situation?

It really doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong tbh.

I’m someone who likes to have a good catch up with friends, but can go months without speaking or seeing them. I don’t need to be inconstant contact. People too think I’m an extrovert.... but actually it’s just that I have a large social circle and people drain me! So I make an effort to see people, give them loads of love, energy, attention when I’m with them, but I can’t be in regular contact otherwise I feel suffocated.

I’m sharing this, as it might not be so rosy for your friend, maybe she’s struggling too and her way of dealing with it is to withdrawal.

hi OP what I would do is remove this person in your mind as someone you can rely on and will be in your life forever. See this friend as a fun friend and focus your energies else where. Treat her in the same way she treats you but probably stop with any emotive language that makes her feel as if you are her best friend for life unconditionally, keep conversations lighter and don't give as much of your heart. Then if she disappears forever you reduce the disappointment ut also you allow yourself a way back in if the situation changes.

It sounds like you may be over thinking and it may just be that she's busy when she doesn't reply but I would still act as above. I have many many friends and probably many who think they are much closer to me than they really are. I do find it awkward when some say that they can see I am replying to others becuase its the case, I am replying to others becuase we may be on the same energy level or planning a trip etc. Some friends I feel exhausted after speaking to for an hour and some I feel light and fuzzy. I love them all but would rather speak to some over others.

As this friend seems to be getting closer to the group your EX is in, I’d be careful what you talk to her about as she may well repeat your confidences to them. I’d wait for her to contact you and not be too intense. It is possible that as you both get older you change and her social lifestyle isn’t as compatible with yours, so find some friends more on your wavelength.

I wouldn't be thrilled that she was socialising with a new group of friends that included someone who'd hurt me. How much it would bother me would depend on a few things: The size of the group, whether or not she has control over your ex being involved in the group, whether or not she mentions the ex to you or is constantly sharing photos of him.

Some of those problems could be addressed by you telling her that you understand she's socialising with this group, but it's painful to see him/hear him mentioned. She should understand and do her best to shield you from him. If, on the other hand, it's a small group and she's actively inviting him, that might be a deal-breaker for your friendship.

As for the hot and cold thing, it's fairly typical for friendships to go through warm and cool periods, but if it's always on her terms and she seems bored or uninterested in you during the "cool" times, it's no wonder you're feeling hurt.

I'd probably distance myself slightly, then see how it goes from there.

I often go a few weeks and or more between seeing some friends due to our jobs, busy lives etc

I think that’s normal adult friendships - they are not all as close as when say as students or teens? She sounds like a nice friend good fun so just treat her like that - see her maybe monthly or so and don’t worry in between?

Thanks for the replies. I'm still gutted tbh. I miss her if I we're not in touch but trying not to reach out as last time I did, she clearly wasn't bothered. I wish I had more friends but find it hard to make them for some reason.

It sounds like you want really close friends. She sounds like a nice fun friend you get on with but has a busy life. So still worth having just not what you hoped for

@Newgirls Yeah I do, I think friends are important as I'm single. Just gutting she doesn't consider me a best friend like I do (did) her.

It’s ok not to have a best friend - I think having a more varied circle is ideal really as they all bring things to your life. And you to them. Allows for more change in life too so if you don’t overlap ie babies, location or whatever you still get on and leave space for new people too

I guess i'm feeling this friendship isn't meeting my expectations or needs.