Please help me - pregnant and unsure

[namechangemarch]

I've recently found out that I am pregnant.

I'm 34, been with DP for 2 years.

I wasn't planning on having children just yet but I got diagnosed with PCOS and told that along with my age it would make it very hard to conceive naturally.

We started to try and I feel pregnant after a month. And I feel very overwhelmed.

I wanted kids eventually but I feel pushed into this by a medical warning. I felt very conscious of my age as well as PCOS. It was a huge shock that it happened at all, let alone so fast.

I am terrified of my life and body changing. I miss my old pre covid life and feel it's gone forever now and I was so excited to get it back.

DP is over the moon and our families are thrilled and I am feeling so trapped and scared. Its disgusting to say but I felt a miscarriage would have been a relief. I couldn't get an abortion due to the guilt and also this might be my only chance.

Did anyone else feel like this?

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like this. It can be so overwhelming to get your head around at the beginning when your hormones are also all over the place. I know the feelings you are describing, terrified of the change and how permanent it is and a feeling of leaving my old life behind as I felt exactly the same and really struggled in the first trimester. I think it's more common than you realise to feel this panic as people often don't speak about it openly. However I've since heard many people say similar things. Take your time to process what is happening day by day. Is there anyone you can talk to openly without fear of judgement? It may help mull things over out loud.
If it is any reassurance to you, I eventually got my head around it, my hormones settled and I embraced the change and I'm so so glad I did as I love my new life as a mum.

Just want to echo what another poster said. Take your time to get your head around it and talk it over with people you trust.

I'm the same age as you, due to give birth to mine and DP's first baby in 6 weeks time. Like you we conceived very quickly - I came off the pill one month thinking it will take ages at my age, and I was pregnant the month after first time trying. It took me aback a little as I was expecting it to take longer so I remember being a mixture of happy but also a bit overwhelmed with it all.

The first trimester for me was hideous - I was all over the place mentally, I was also physically very unwell and mostly bedridden (it's not like this for all women!! I had a particularly rough ride I think). But once I emerged from that, I started to feel a lot better and more positive about things. And it honestly really did start to make more sense in my mind.

Only you know what's best for you. But honestly, take some time to think / talk it over, it really does help.

This is a very natural reaction.

Thank you for the replies.

I did try and talk to my mum about it but she was very against me bringing it up with my partner and told me I should be grateful and stop looking only at the negatives.

I felt this way when I got pregnant with our first child. I cried. It was overwhelming and I suddenly didn't feel ready even though we'd talked about having a baby a lot and in theory were "prepared". It is a huge life change and especially because your body is changing and yet your baby doesn't really exist yet, and you can't envisage how things are going to be.

I had a really happy pregnancy though - the feelings didn't go away completely but it started to become manageable and as the baby grew I could visualise how things were going to be, and get excited. Honestly I think it's the hugeness of the end result that is daunting; when you can start going step by step along your journey it becomes way less alien. I did have a minor freakout the day before my scheduled C section wondering if we could just not show up.

But, my baby was amazing from the moment she was born. And who I was as a person didn't change, and our life was still recognisable although very busy with very different activities. You'll always be a parent and maybe always have the odd "ohhh fuck" moment, but the intensity of the new baby days is shorter than you think, and you start getting back to yourself. All this is to say, it is OK to feel ambivalent and scared. I think a lot of people always do. But having a kid isn't a death sentence, and you will find more ways to be yourself. You will be OK. Don't force unbridled joy upon yourself, just treat yourself with kindness and patience and let everything unfold.

Hi OP

I fell pregnant straight away when I tried when I was a bit older than you, was just not expecting it at all. I called my husband to tell him and couldn't get the words out as I was crying so much. I didnt tell anyone else til 16 weeks as I just couldnt cope and even then I cried. It was just such a quick change from a theory to something life changing. I also considered abortion but I felt like I couldnt since it was deliberate. I liked my life and resented it changing, even things like not eating or drinking the food I wanted, but more serious things like impact on my career etc

The good news is I was fine when the baby came, I think I'd got my head around all the changes and kind of mourned the (temporary) loss of my old life when I was pregnant so when the baby came I was almost kind of over it and ready for the next step. Whereas my husband, who thought he would have time to do a bit of DIY on paternity leave, had a bit of a shock! I think I was a bit more realistic about what it would be like so it wasnt as much of a mental change.

One thing I would say is that things that might worry you, the impact of how much your partner will do his share, will be huge. While you still have time, sit down and work out things like how finances will be shared when you are not earning on maternity leave, who will be paying for things for the baby, how you will split things like shared parental leave if you're thinking of this (I'd recommend it for an involved dad), expectations on who will be responsible for housework when you are on maternity leave, how night wakings will be shared, how nursery pick up and drop offs and days off for children being sick will be shared. My youngest is 3 now and for the last year I've felt my life has got back to normal. But that's primarily because my husband does his fair share and always has. If this isnt the case, your experience of having a baby will be much more shit

I felt similar, I got pregnant the second month of trying, miscarried, got pregnant again that month, it was a difficult time. But I just kept reminding myself how much I wanted this baby, everytime I feel a kick I just feel such love for this little person. I think most women feel this way to some extent, its a massive commitment. Its like starting uni or a new job, I always have that moment of panic wanting to quit. Speak to your midwife about it, or join a group on Facebook for your due date. Its really helpful to hear that its normal.

It comes down to whether or not you actually want kids. If you do want kids at any point, then at 34 and with a long-term, supportive partner and a supportive family, there is no reason to have an abortion (or want a miscarriage) now, because there isn't going to be a better time than this.

On the other hand, it is possible that you actually have realised that you don't EVER want children. Which is fair enough, but in that case you need to be honest with your partner, and you need to act sooner rather than later.

There isn't going to be a 'perfect' time to have children, and your situation sounds far better than many (including mine when I had my first child).

Your mum is right that there isn't anything to be gained by talking to your partner unless you are clear about what you actually want. If you genuinely don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (which is absolutely your prerogative) then you need to be clear about that.

Perfectly natural feelings. I felt overwhelmed the first time I fell pregnant. I was only 23 and was terrified. I miscarried that time and fell pregnant again at 27. I still felt unprepared and too young although at the time (over 20 years ago) all my friends already had babies. It’s been a tough ride for sure, my son is severely disabled and it’s been hard. I was much better prepared for my next two children.

I had an abortion in my forties. I really felt with a disabled child and two under two that I wouldn’t and didn’t want to cope with another child. I do feel guilty about that but I don’t dwell in it. My family was finished and I didn’t want anymore. The guilt is there though. It’s a decision only you can make. It is quite usual in my experience to feel overwhelmed though.

I felt like this with my current pregnancy, and I already have a 4 year old, we've been trying since he was 1 and suffered a few miscarriages along the way. I have no idea why this time around I've been so apprehensive, maybe because life was getting back to normal and now I'm about to throw a grenade into it with a new baby.

But now I'm 5 months and getting my head round the idea and I'm actually starting to get quite excited. You do have quite a long time to prepare and of course once they're out, you love them endlessly and you'll wonder what all the worrying was about. Although you do still get 'holy shit what have I done' moments even then

Really it will be ok. You wouldn't have wanted to leave it much later anyway (once you're 35 they start ticking boxes on all the forms in your green notes that mean you're at higher risk )

Oh my god, exact same! No PCOS but I just thought it would take a while (it didn’t.) Took me a while to get my head around it. I felt exactly like you that I’d lost (forever) the opportunity to get my pre covid life back. I’m now 2nd trimester and I feel more positive, but I can’t say I feel totally amazing about it. I’ve tried to look on the bright side- pregnancy while wfh is MUCH easier than doing it in the office, and, there’s nothing to do so I’m not missing out on anything fun... good luck OP! Feel free to PM me

Thank you to everyone for replying. It's really been helpful.

Fingers crossed I feel differently once it's all sunk in.

@Orangebitters wishing you the best too.

I've been in a fairly similar position to you. I got pregnant unexpectedly, knew that it was unlikely Li would ever gey pregnant again and didn't know what to do. In the end I realised I didn't really want to be pregnant lat that time, I got rid and never looked back.

Sorry for the typos, but you get my gist.

Hi @Orangebitters are you feeling better / more excited?

I'm nearly at 12 weeks and still feel total dread. Really hoping it changes!

With my first child it took me years to get pregnant and I was thrilled, but I had awful PND after so was worried about trying for a second. I thought it would take ages again so I started trying before I was really ready tbh, and I got pregnant first try! I was really worried and not excited at all, but remember that you have 9 months of pregnancy to get used to the idea, and by the time she appeared (two weeks overdue 😫) I was thrilled to meet her and in fact I didn’t have any issues with my mental health the second time. You could investigate getting some counselling if you feel that the way you are feeling is impacting on your day to day life, good luck and I really think this feeling will pass.

I was trying for a year and was devastated when it happened. I think it was just such a huge loss of all I was used to and an acceptance that things would never be the same. My son is now almost ten and my second pregnancy was fine. I hope all these responses are reassuring, sounds like you don’t want to terminate your pregnancy, but feeling very worried.

Thank you

@notturningintopowerranger I have been seriously considering if as my body changes I just feel so trapped and uncomfortable in it. Have contacted my GP for help

Hi OP, I’m really sorry you feel this way. I don’t know if anything a stranger on the internet says can help, but I do want to say that tv/media is always so negative about having children, and they never tell you any of the good bits. (The stuff about birth in particular is total nonsense.) Having a child is literally the most fun thing I’ve ever done. Yes there was some lost sleep, and early pregnancy queasy tum, but...

• You’re going to meet someone who will adore you more than you can imagine right now. This child will believe that you are a goddess and the world revolves around you. For the first few years, everywhere you go, you have a little buddy who admires you and values your opinions. If this isn’t your thing, there’s always childcare, but it wasn’t til I had a baby that I realised how lonely I’d been for how long (even with lovely dh and nice family etc). Instead of me vs world it was somehow me and my buddy vs world.

• You’ve just got an invite to a whole world of women-centric activities, from playgroups where you can walk into a room full of strangers who will make you tea and biscuits and give you phone numbers for half a dozen new friends, to family farms / theme parks / trampoline centres / family canoeing etc etc and a billion other things adults don’t normally go to unless they’re parents, but which are actually way more fun than most ‘adult’ stuff.

Your ‘old life’ doesn’t have to disappear, you can return to it if and when you choose to. Personally I prefer water parks, museums and train sets to pub crawls and clubbing, but if you feel differently, you can do what you like.

Breastfeeding is different for everyone and many people are very vocal about how they don’t like it. For me, breastfeeding was even more physically pleasurable than sex and made my head/muscles feel like they do after orgasm, except my baby could make that sensation last for several hours. I still miss that 😭

I had no boobs to speak of, now I’m two sizes bigger :)

I suggest that you find a female counsellor who has had children and ask where what it’s like and talk about how you’re feeling. It may be because you’ve been exposed to very male anti-pregnancy stuff in the media/job etc.

Hi @namechangemarch,
How are you feeling now?x