Problems at school

[Swimmum78]

More of a wwyd. My dd is in y1. Shes pretty quiet at school (opposite to home!) And not very confident. There is another child in the class with behaviour problems. I feel for the other child, the parents are seeking support outside school and I assume, but dont know for sure, that the school are also providing extra support for this child. But they hit out quite a lot, and because my dd is their friend quite often she bears the brunt of it. Eg in the past has been shouted at, kicked and had her food spat on. Yesterday was my dd's first day back and she was kicked again. The teacher told me and said they'd done a restorative and my dd was ok with that but it broke my heart. Later my dd asked about a girl who was in nursery with them but went to a different school (we dont still see the girl) and said she wants to go to her school. I just feel like her confidence is being completely shot. We've spoke to the school numerous times and they are aware. I dont know what else we can do. Any suggestions from anyone with similar experience. We're trying to build her confidence up with friends but difficult at the moment with no playdates/out of school activities.

Can she be moved to another class?

No unfortunately not, it's a 1 form intake so only 1 class per year.

Also obv did not mean to enable voting

It’s a really tricky one. I think if it was an ongoing thing I would want to know exactly what the school was doing to ensure that this didn’t keep happening.
I have had this with multiple different pairings over the years and you WATCH THEM LIKE A HAWK. I’m sorry but you just do. It’s not possible to be there 100% of the time but I’m talking about EYFS here so I know what it’s like trying to keep an eye on that on top of managing an early years classroom.
It’s tricky if your DD is friends with her, you/the school can’t stop them hanging out but the school CAN do things like move any seating arrangements/groups, let every adult who works with them know and give one adult in the playground the specific job of watching them.

I’m sure people will say “it’s not possible to watch them” but I’ve had to do it so many times including this year with my year 5s and it is doable, obviously not foolproof, but if I were you I would be wanting to know the school were doing that as a minimum.

So I had a similar situation when we moved house into a new year 3 and a child in my DD class didn’t like the change in dynamic.
The school was never going to tackle it due to the mild SEN of the child - which I understood. But seeing my daughter so unhappy and being targeted took it’s toll on my own mental health.
I quietly moved my daughter to a different school. Best decision I ever made. She has thrived there and is much happier. Schools have different dynamics and the new one suited my DD better.
I learnt to listen to my instincts.

Have you explained to DD that she doesn't have to be best friends with this girl? That it's fine to make other friends & play with them. 20 odd other kids in her class,she doesn't need to move schools to make a new friend. Has the teacher separated them in the classroom? If not, get that sorted.

I feel sad fir the other little girl, but your DD deserves to be happy at school too & it's important she understands that & that she learns she doesn't have to 'rescue' everyone - it's a damaging perspective to have about forming relationships.

I hope she has a better day today.

I would consider moving her. No one should go to school and feel unsafe, but for me the big thing is that you feel she isn’t herself in that environment. The other child is also entitled to an education and as they get old their is a chance the behaviour may escalate. The school is duty bound to support both children, but I just wouldn’t want to do that dance at such a young age. Obviously you run the risk of experiencing exactly the same in another school, but for me that would be a risk worth taking.

A horrible situation for you and your daughter x

I have checked with the school and it isnt only directed at my dd. Its whoever is in the vicinity of other child, but obv as they are friends is quite often is her. They have moved them so they aren't sat together at all. Yesterdays incident was in the toilet.

We have an older dd who loves it there. Schools here are also all oversubscribed so we would only be able to move dd2 to a school miles away which wouldnt be ideal. The school is great, this is just a challenging class.

@AmelieTaylor

Have you explained to DD that she doesn't have to be best friends with this girl? That it's fine to make other friends & play with them. 20 odd other kids in her class,she doesn't need to move schools to make a new friend. Has the teacher separated them in the classroom? If not, get that sorted.

I feel sad fir the other little girl, but your DD deserves to be happy at school too & it's important she understands that & that she learns she doesn't have to 'rescue' everyone - it's a damaging perspective to have about forming relationships.

I hope she has a better day today.

This. Tell you dd to play with other children. A violent child is not your child's responsibility.

I would be asking the school to ensure that they don’t sit together or work together in class and that at lunch they are closely monitored. I would also explain to DD that she doesn’t need to be friends with her and encourage friendships with others in the class. My DS has similar in reception and he went from loving school to not wanting to go. The teachers dealt with to well and there’s been no issues since

I would put her on the wait list for the next nearest school. One of my biggest regrets is not moving my child when something similar happened.

I would:

• Formally complain in writing to the head that your child is being hurt in school
• Ask school to prevent it happening and keep them apart
• Tell your dd she shouldn't play with the girl as the girl isn't making the right choices and your dd should not be hurt
• Speak to local authority about other options and view them, with a view to moving. You can hold off submitting an application for a few weeks while school address it but you should get the info early.

Poor DD . I make no ill judgement of the other child, they are very young. But your dd is very unlucky to cop it - and the adults need to change that.

She does have other friends and the school had already moved them apart last year. She wasnt playing with her at all yesterday, the incident happened in the toilets at the end of the day.

Do you know if the other child has an EHC Plan? If they could get funding for 1:1 supervision, particularly in the playground, I assume that would help a lot.

Speak to the other schools in the area, people do move so it is possible a space could become available mid year even in oversubscribed schools

Due to your last update, I would request in writing and verbally that the school do not send your daughter to the toilets in the same group as this child

My other school was oversubscribed as well. I wrote an application from the heart and only hoped to be on the waiting list. I got a phone call within a week offering me a place.
Worth a try - even just to have an exit plan.

I’ve just seen your update about having another child in the school and other local schools being over subscribed- this is such a tricky situation.

I have experienced similar in my own child’s class. It started in reception and it’s a carbon copy of what you are experiencing. A child kicked my daughter in the back whilst she was chatting with some other friends and she fell and hit her head quite badly. This was one of many incidents that happened to her and other children in the class. At first (before the kick and being very hurt) I actually thought it was really important lesson for her to learn that not all people can control their emotions and it was great that she was able to understand this and show empathy. The parents of this child were also completely committed to supporting them and paid themselves for 1-2-1 support until they could get the funding. As they got older thought the incidents became more serious and the child couldn’t be supported by the school anymore. The school were completely on it so it wasn’t something I had to push for, but as an idea these are some of the things they put in place.

The child would come in during assembly and be settled by a parent, therefore minimising the amount of time in the playground for incidents to happen. Equally they were collected early by a parent just before school ended.

As it escalated the child had a 1-2-1, but the child was excluded from lunch so had to be collected and taken home as the behaviour couldn’t be managed.

The child was encouraged to make friendships with their peers, so they would chose someone to play with during lessons outside the class. This was often my daughter and they would play card etc for 15 mins to establish bonds.

It was a real shame it didn’t work out, but after many interventions it was decided that the school didn’t support the needs of the child and they are now homeschooled.

It had no real adverse impact on my daughter, but if I did think it was altering her personality I would have moved her I think. This was 4 years of intervention before the decision was made for exclusion. That’s a long time to feel scared when you are so little.

I don’t envy you this position at all. I would def speak to the school and ensure there is a plan in place and go from there.

Best of luck x

I would put in writing a request for a meeting to discuss your daughter, and in the request (email best) explain while you appreciate school can't comment on the other pupil they must provide a care plan to protect other pupils.

The examples of spitting on food, physical attacks etc. You need to see a plan of action Re groups, moving round areas, eg break times, going to toilet, etc

I’m really sorry this has happened to your daughter. My DS is in the same position with another child. He was in a key worker bubble with him but now thankfully the school has gone back and he isn’t in the same class. The last incident happened last week whereby this child hit my DS with a hockey stick (goodness only knows why they gave this child a stick when I had raised 3 previous incidents with them that have happened in the last month!)

My DS has SEN but he is a quiet soul who has a little friendship group he plays with. He finds it very difficult to understand why someone would be mean to him on purpose. I understand this other child has some difficulties (but the SEN coordinator told me at the school no SEND so I assume must have problems at home) but it’s not my sons fault or responsibility to take the brunt of his anger.

Not so much of a problem now as the bubbles don’t mix but I told my DS to stay away from this child. The school has put a 1-2-1 to watch him in the playground. I document everything to the SEN coordinator in an email every time there is an incident. At pick ups this child will try to engage with my DS but we just leave as quickly as we can.

The school are failing your DD here.

Whether she is a friend or not, they cannot let another child repeatedly hurt yours/spit on food etc.

If it's that bad, someone needs to watching the child with behaviour issues to be heading off things before someone gets hurt. It sounds like this isnt a one off but a regular occurrence, the school need to bear responsibility.

Time to make an appointment for a chat with the teacher.

Tell them you are concerned that your daughter doesnt want to be in school anymore. That her friend keeps hitting her. Could the school come up with a plan to boost DC confidence and prevent these attacks.

You dont have to be mean. I have 3 sen kids. 2 who have been violent but now have assistants in school. I wouldnt want any child to suffer because of mine. Child x needs more support.

Also do some work with dd on what makes a good friend. Being valued. Having confidence to say no.