To desperately struggle to know what’s appropriate for contacting friends? (Autism)

[autismproblems]

I was told Christmas 2019 that I’m autistic . I already knew I am dyspraxic (diagnosed age 8) and my sibling, and I strongly suspect at least one of my parents, is autistic so it didn’t come as a surprise.

I’ve managed before to live fully independently, held down a job, have a degree, have had friends .

I struggle though to know what’s appropriate with friendships and what’s just irritating . It was always a problem at school - my ‘friends’ openly told me they couldn’t stand me or my company and just felt a bit sorry for me . I often come back to it in my mind as an adult when trying to do ‘friend’ things ...

For example, a friend told me on Friday night that her dad’s very unwell and she’s in pieces . We wouldn’t typically meet up, I sent her a text back saying how sorry I was and here for her etc, threw in a bit of advice from being in similar situation ... I’m sitting worried for some silly reason that she might not have actually wanted my advice, maybe just wanted platitudes ! And then I felt like texting her today to check she’s alright, then thought, nope, probably too much and should just leave her alone for a bit ...

I can think of loads of similar examples where
I worry I’m saying the wrong thing, or talk too much, or not enough .

It’s like what’s innate to most other people, I’m lacking altogether - it’s very confusing !

Is there a way of making this easier to deal with? I’ve not even tried dating, as that seems even scarier - but I’m really quite lonely and isolated and wishing I could find some sort of strategy to handle this better .

I know Covid happened just as you got diagnosed, but are there any organisations to help you? I feel your pain, its like this for me too

I don't know a lot about autism, but sounds like you supported your friend at a time of distress, and most of us sometimes worry that we said or did the wrong thing, so try not to worry too much about that

Hi. I am not autistic but I have similar problems, I saw the wrong things and can be too intense with my kindness.

My recommendation is to

1. Always assume the best, so assume that your friend is grateful for your support and isn't replying because they have a lot on

1. If in doubt state their feelings back to them " You must be feeling so devastated/sad/frustrated" It helps the person feel understood.

1. Ask them if in doubt what sort of support they want, do they want you to distract them with memes or be able to call you at 3am.

Hi, not much advice off the top of my head, but I just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean and I think many more people struggle with it than we realise. Oh and I’m sure it would be ok if you checked in with your friend; maybe just a quick ‘how are you?’ X

You sound like a lovely friend! I’m thinking about your post from the other side of this: my mum is quite unwell at the moment and I’m so so grateful to know that people are thinking of me. It makes everything a little bit less difficult. I don’t think anyone has said the ‘wrong thing’ to me - they’ve said whatever they think will help and that’s the thing that keeps me going: knowing they care. I hope your friend appreciates your care and concern.

It's often really hard to know what to say to people who are sad. It's generally better to say something than nothing! Maybe steer clear of advice unless you are in a position of knowing something specific that they don't e.g. medical or legal.
If they don't reply I think there's no harm in a further message a couple of days later saying something like " I know you have a lot on so don't worry about replying, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Let me know if you need anything".

I can't offer advice. But I can say that my fd is austistic. I'm worried for her going back. But she, like you, is caring. Compassionate. You ARE a good friend. That's clear through your op where you support, relate to and empathise with a friend. No better can be sought. Stop judging your worth by teenage school relationships. You are a good friend

Dd

OP - have a look at this

I think lots of people - even those without autism struggle with this.

I have an autistic friend (and many others who are likely to be on the spectrum but haven’t been diagnosed as they are female and high functioning). What I would suggest is don’t worry too much about not knowing what’s appropriate etc. Ask your friends to be honest with you and if they care about your friendship, they’ll be happy to do this. It’s not as if you’re asking for much!

I find my friendship with my most autistic friend a very rewarding one because I know I can be honest with him and I know that he is never anything other than 100% his own amazing self. I’ve known him since he was an awkward teenager (I’m 10 years older, we’re family friends) and was his first friend outside his immediate family. It’s been amazing seeing him grow up from the world’s most awkward kid to a confident and highly skilled adult. He regularly asks me whether he’s being irritating and most of the time the answer is no but occasionally I have to explain that we’ve been on the subject of [insert niche 1980s piece of technology] for a while and he’s lost me now, and then he’ll change the subject. It’s not a burden or a pain to be honest with somebody who genuinely wants that honesty.

If I were you I’d ask people to be honest if you’re getting on their nerves and if they agree to do this, then don’t worry about it anymore. Remember that EVERYBODY is annoying sometimes. Some of us are more aware that we’ve committed a faux pas, others need to have it spelled out a bit more clearly, but that doesn’t mean the friendship is over. Several people have said they like the fact that I will let them know in a fair and kind manner that they’re getting a bit much as it means they always know where they stand.

You might be surprised, if you open up to people about your worries, at how many of them don’t bat an eyelid and are happy to just let you know if you’re being inappropriate. You’re an adult now, it’s not like high school where standing out from the crowd is a mortal sin.

Good luck. Just be yourself and you’ll find the right people.

As for your friend I’m sure that what she wants is to know she has your support and that she hasn’t been forgotten. I would want to receive a message like the one you sent and definitely NOT platitudes. Platitudes mean you haven’t understood her situation, whereas indicating that you’re thinking of her and available if she wants you around is quite the opposite

I think what you said was perfect for the situation.

I'm autistic too. I only realised in my 30s.

It's a lot easier if you're upfront about it. I have a neurotypical friend whose family all seem to have terminal cancer (honestly, she can't catch a break), and after the first sympathy message I messaged again to say that I wasn't sure I'd hit the right tone because ASD, but what I really meant was to offer sympathy and asked what support she actually wanted, because I'm happy to provide it, along with an apology in advance if I had got it wrong.

I do similar in any situation where I'm lost. If they laugh or don't like it then we'll not get on long term anyway.

I don’t have advice but I’m exactly the same. Not diagnosed but my DD is and I started wondering while trying to find more information to support her. I’ve put my foot in it loads and genuinely don’t get what was wrong with what I said. It seems that platitudes are the right thing and it’s what most people do, they feel insincere and unnatural to me. I’d love to find someone who can coach these interpersonal skills. Weirdly I find dating easier, especially as men are more straight forward in the main, they don’t offend as easily in my experience. That’s assuming you want to date men and not women...either way physically attraction and sex can make it easier to bond, but first dates are often awkward for everyone. You do get better though so just try it (once we are free again) and accept it will be awkward.