To not miss my friend at all

[Aussiebird99]

I have a long term friend of over 20 years. Over lockdown it’s been niggly, she said a few things that upset me & then caused me to reflect on our friendship and I feel like it’s actually been quite toxic for a long time.

She was my ‘ring in the middle of the night’ friend but I can’t bring myself to want to talk to her and feel like I could just let it go. She’s not asked at all about how I am for a long time despite knowing that I have had a rough time during lockdown.

I don’t miss her but feel weird about it because it’s been so long. It’s all so unexpected that I feel like this - anyone else experienced this? How have you dealt with it?

What needs dealt with? What’s the problem?

I guess I feel loyalty and I am struggling with that

Your feelings are your feelings. Yanbu for feeling the way you do.

Yes I’ve felt like this. I’ve got a few old friends that I speak to out of habit really, rather than because I ever really miss them, one in particular has been very annoying lately!
But, I know that if she ever really needed me, I’d be there for her in a flash. If she or a member of her family was seriously ill, I would go to the ends of the earth to help. And she would be the same for me.
I think of it as a different sort of friendship, almost more like family, as we’ve known each other since childhood. We don’t have loads in common any more, but we have been through life together and if shit got serious we could depend on each other.
Is your friendship like that?

I've experienced exactly the same thing OP so I understand your situation completely! In fact, I was just thinking about it a couple of days ago, so this is super spooky!! Me and my childhood friend moved quite far away from each other about 10 years ago and I realised I really didn't miss her and her friendship (if you can call it that) at all and exactly as you say, I felt I didn't get anything out of it and was just forcing it for the sake of the childhood ties (which I can now also see that it was forced by my parents as the two families were close). I really didn't like the person she became, she was never interested in me, never once asked me how I was and was constantly using me to compare herself against (as in needing bigger, better things...) and after one of her "how much did that cost" texts I decided to cut ties as I was sick of it!

I'm to this day a bit ashamed as to how I handled things and I'm not proud of it, so my only advice would be to at least let her know what's bothering you and why you are moving on from your friendship. Whether she agrees with it or not is her problem, not yours!

I must add I was in a fortunate situation that we didn't move in the same circles, had no mutual friends (apart from old school friends that neither of us really see anymore) etc so it was a clean cut and fairly simple to do...

My friend and I no longer move in the same circles and I have tried to keep it going out if obligation rather than enjoying her company. I just don’t feel the same way & I guess this realisation has been a bit of a shock - I don’t feel like I want her in my life anymore but it’s hard to let go

Do you contact her? Have you asked how she is? How does she know you are having a rough time? Is she finding lockdown hard?
So many questions.
The reason I ask is because I have a family member who always says no one asks her how she is, but she never asks other people how they are coping!
No it’s not Meghan