AIBU to get fed up with DP

[cuppaandabiscuit]

And his inability to listen to anything? Or retain information? Or think about things for himself?
Sometimes it's little things that whilst annoying aren't major issues eg when he puts shopping away he shoves stuff anywhere - as the main cook I would happily put all the shopping away myself so I know where everything is, I've said this to him yet whenever shopping gets delivered tries to help, despite me saying I'm fine, and then gets annoyed when I snap to just leave me to it. (I know IABU to snap btw)
There are also bigger things like forgetting to book annual leave on days he needs to be off work (I need to ring him in his lunchbreak and remind him in order for it to get booked) or him asking me to remind him to do things like book his MOT or pay a bill which he still forgets anyway. Surely he's an adult and should be able to find a way to remember stuff like using a calendar or to do list app on his phone? I have asked him before to try and deal with stuff himself but then it's doesn't get done.

He is generally a good man - kind, tries to be helpful, would give me the world if he could - he's just so mentally lazy! I know it might seem minor things but I'm working, been homeschooling 2 teens and generally overseeing most of the day to day household stuff - I just don't have the space in my brain to take on his stuff as well. Also, like with the shopping thing, if someone expresses a preference for something that doesn't negatively impact on someone else surely repeatedly ignoring that preference is bloody rude?

I'm finding myself snapping at him over every tiny little thing now because I just feel like he's either not listening to me or listens but ignores - I'm not sure what's worse?

Get off the hamster wheel and stop being his mum. Let him fend for himself, and if he fucks up he can deal with the consequences.

Does he have ADHD? I ask because my DP has it and they sound a lot alike when he's not taking his medication.

Left my own, supremely passively aggressive dickhead at the end of last year. It's like shedding a spoiled cuckoo - a child you never planned to bring up. Let me guess, is he huffy?

Well either he is happy offloading the emotional labour onto you, or he has poor executive functioning skills, which could be part of some neurodivergent condition (or stand alone).

Which it is presumably will affect how you feel about it and deal with it, so isn't it worth finding out?

Does he hold down a job?

I suspect it's laziness and you do the wife work so why should he try?

Stop enabling him. You have my sympathy though as it's very draining.

I could have written this OP and just this evening snapped at mine ‘can you just be fucking independent for once?!’ Because I was completely at the end of my tether.

I have no idea what the answer is, it’s all well and good to say ‘stop enabling and let him deal with the consequences’ but that often effects the family negatives too (booking annual leave for example). If you find the solution please do let me know!!

Everyone will tell you to stop doing stuff for him. The problem is that I imagine a lot of the stuff you're chasing him on is stuff that will negatively impact you and the kids if it's forgotten/not done properly.

I would seriously have a think about whether or not he can or will change. Have you told him that you're losing respect for him because of it?

I'd say stop taking on that load. He forgets to book a holiday ? Then I guess he's not going (you should definitely go without him). Or sort it out with his job. And if he dares to whine "why didn't you remind me" I'd have a field day.

He has really poor planning skills, probably because his mum used to do everything for him. He is also extremely laid back and is very 'oh well never mind' about stuff (like missing an appointment or forgetting something). He doesn't get huffy if I 'forget to remind him', just shrugs it off and in some cases will do what's needed to rectify - like last week I had a click and collect shopping order, asked him to pick it up on way home, he forgot so went back and got it without fuss. It's just so bloody frustrating. He's not stupid - he holds down a very technically focused job so must have some intelligence. He just can't think more than 1 step ahead or has a very single track focused mind.

My DH is the same...
I also snap sometimes because it's exhausting. Tbh i am getting used to it and try to let it go or at least not show how exasperated i feel inside.
I believe it is like a mental laziness.
He is just completely unfocused unless it's for work.
I think that we have two different ways of dealing with life. I am a planner, i like to be in control, have everything organized to limit the anxiety of anything unexpected coming up.
He is more laid back like yours. So if he fucks up well he deals with it (if he remembers) and if it costs him money or time or whatever, he just accepts it and moves on.

He just can't think more than 1 step ahead or has a very single track focused mind

Of course he can, or else he wouldn't be able to hold down a 'very technically focussed job'. Do you think he needs constant reminders to undertake basic tasks at work?

Even if this is something he struggles with then he'll have systems in place to make sure he doesn't forget the bits and pieces that come with any job that either he or his employer considers important - meetings, training days, form filling, whatever. He just needs to apply the same effort at home - lists, phone reminders, etc. I certainly wouldn't be doing his thinking and reminding for him.

Aren't we all annoying in our own ways? I annoy myself sometimes let alone annoying my DP. He is very organised and always planning. I find that annoying. He has told me not to put shopping away (I expect he says i throw it in) . He tidies things away to the point i can't get at things without pulling all this other stuff out/can't see things. He wants to plan the following weekend on the Monday of the week we are in. I like to think we compliment each other , I think it is just sharing a space is hard.

My husband is very similar and after it pushed us almost to breaking point, finally agreed to see someone about it. Turns out that dyspraxia, which he was diagnosed with in childhood, affects his executive function and makes it very difficult for him to retain information or deviate from a planned schedule. It's still completely frustrating, but knowing the cause has made it a lot easier to handle- and his willingness to work on it helps a lot too. Does your husband see that there's an issue and is he prepared to do something about it?

I don’t know what the answer is but I can completely sympathise as that’s DP all over. A complete inability to use his brain at all when it comes to every day life. He got a £360 fine a few months ago for forgetting to pay the London congestion charges despite me repeatedly telling him to. He can go to the shop 5 minutes away and forget what he went for. Funnily enough he doesn’t forget anything to do with his car or hobbies though 🙄🙄

@BarbaraofSeville

He just can't think more than 1 step ahead or has a very single track focused mind

Of course he can, or else he wouldn't be able to hold down a 'very technically focussed job'. Do you think he needs constant reminders to undertake basic tasks at work?

Even if this is something he struggles with then he'll have systems in place to make sure he doesn't forget the bits and pieces that come with any job that either he or his employer considers important - meetings, training days, form filling, whatever. He just needs to apply the same effort at home - lists, phone reminders, etc. I certainly wouldn't be doing his thinking and reminding for him.

The single focus is needed for the intricate parts of his job so in that sense it doesn't affect work in fact it benefits it. However when he forgot to take his ID in to renew his security clearance it was a big issue to the point his boss texted him one evening to remind him. So it's not just at home. The way I see it is if its not the immediate task he just doesn't think about it. Like ask him to make the bed in the morning- he only remembers at 10pm in the eve when we go up or its his turn to cook dinner he won't even think about it til 5pm then realise he didn't take anything (eg chicken, beef etc) out if the freezer so has to go to the shops to get something.

I don't remind him anymore when it's stuff that doesn't affect me or kids or if it's something that can be easily rectified when he inevitably forgets to do it. It's just when it's important- like booking leave for the day I had to have a surgical procedure done - that I do. Doesn't stop it annoying the hell out of me though and getting very snappy with him about it!

Two options. Let him get on with stuff which doesn't actually affect YOUR finances and let him deal woth fall out.

Accept it and assign him more physical jobs to balance it a bit.

He is more laid back like yours. So if he fucks up well he deals with it (if he remembers) and if it costs him money or time or whatever, he just accepts it and moves on.

I think there is a kind of person who realised young its usually not that bad to fix small things like forgetting the shopping, so just doesn't consciously worry.

Which leads to it happening more getting fixed more and becoming more normal over decades

Hmmm, are you sure it's not ADHD? My DP is basically inattentive, he can remember to do the thing in front of him, but will easily forget anything else. Yesterday I send him to the hardware store to buy paint and a plant pot, he came back with the wrong kind of paint and had forgotten the other item.

I'm like your DP except I don't expect my partner to organise things for me. If i forget to do some i face the consequences and try to put things in place to stop it happening again. When you say his mum did everything, has he ever lived independently?