Oh dear, I’m a bit like your MIL. Apart from not turning up to your wedding, which would be weird, even for me. Although I do HATE crowds, and get crippling anxiety in airports, theatres, anywhere with a lot of people bunched together. If you had a big wedding, maybe the thought of all the people triggered her anxiety?
I have never in my life “dropped in” to see any of my children (all adults with their own homes). I only go when I’m invited. They always check in advance if it’s ok for them to visit here (which it always is). My mother only ever came to my house when invited. I don’t remember my grandparents dropping by when I was young either. Maybe this is more a question of family style, rather than anything more worrying?
I’m certainly aware of a need to avoid getting on the nerves of my SILs and DIL. I’m careful to be respectful of their space and their opinions. I couldn’t say I’m close to any of them, even the one who’s been married to my child for 20 years (I went to their wedding, bought a hat and everything! Had a great day). We get on fine, and he’s a good husband and father, but close? No.
Another aspect of my anxiety is that I HATE talking on the phone. Just can’t do it. People who know me are aware of this and only phone to convey essential information. I don’t think a lack of phone contact is necessarily an indicator of dislike or lack of caring. It might be, but it might be symptom of anxiety.
I have to say that one situation where I would pick up a phone would be if I thought one of my grandchildren was in difficulty. I never have had that fear, but when I read about your daughter’s scratches, I kind of knew where your MIL was coming from. And highly anxious people don’t always use the right words when they’re in a panic.
I know you have anxiety problems too, but could you consider the possibility that your MIL’s anxiety is more crippling than your own? Also, being older, her habits have had longer to become fixed.
To be honest, I’m a pain in the arse when I get into a very anxious state. I get obsessive about things, I often say exactly the wrong thing ... don’t know how I do it, but I do.
I’m not suggesting your MIL is a great person, or that you shouldn’t be annoyed by her prying about your kid. She may have bad motives. But, on the other hand, she may not.